Evil monster Dick Cheney has obtained "a new heart device," for his real heart is dead.

Betty White will appear in Community's premiere, Mario Lopez gets a Vh1 reality show, Jon Benjamin gets his own Comedy Central show, Justin Bieber versus Shaq, and Beavis and Butthead will return to MTV with new episodes!

Sentencing time for the villainous Times Square Bike-Shove Cop! "The former officer, Patrick Pogan, had faced up to four years in prison, but will avoid any time behind bars. He also will not be placed on probation." Sheeeit. [NYT]

All those recent murmurs coming from whiny executives about Obama hating American business have culminated today in a vicious, three-pronged assault from the nation's largest business lobbies. They don't understand: why isn't Obama cutting all taxes and privatizing everything?

Last night's episode brought the photo duo to London for a shoot with Naomi Campbell, and another with Lady Gaga for a Hello Kitty campaign. Naomi was in full bitch-mode, while Lady Gaga gave us a heavy dose of wacky.

Dutch brain scientists have discovered that when a woman sees cute shoes affixed to Sarah Jessica Parker's feet, her medial orbitofrontal cortex goes bonkers. Why anyone would study the effect of celebrity shoes on female brains?

TONIGHT: For the sports fanatics, there's the ESPY Awards. Yay? We've also got new episodes of Big Brother 12, So You Think You Can Dance, Top Chef, America's Got Talent, The Real World, Work of Art and much, much more.

A mystery hunk is gay. And he's going to announce it to the world on 90210. Also today: David O. Russell storms off another set, Sela Ward is given a gun and a badge, and Dustin Hoffman's new TV career.

Kathy Griffin does Washington DC! To prepare for a rally to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Kathy gets a serious crash course in how the capital operates. Of course, less-than-flattering things were said about Sarah Palin and Scott Brown...

Running Twitter Inc. sounds like any entrepreneur's dream: Cash flows freely. The press is smitten. Celebrity users abound. But CEO and co-founder Evan Williams is said to be on the verge of being ousted from his microblogging paradise.

Here is a news broadcast from the future about "i-dosing," a thing the kids are doing with their computers. They are downloading "digital drugs" which are basically noises that get them high. Kids are feeling strange sensations! Somebody stop them!!

Mel Gibson keeps a handgun in his bedroom. Good thing he's so calm.

Congratulations to MicMutt for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.

Today at Gawker.TV, Kristin Chenowith can'ts top talking about her vagina on the The Late Show, game show contestants fly off of buildings, stormtroopers invade the 6 train, and Al Roker takes a longing glance at Meredith Vieira's breasts.

Video has emerged now of Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad threatening to attack the U.S.

The Way We Live Now: day to day. Week to week. Paycheck to paycheck. Hand to hand. From sea to shining sea, let us all say a prayer for our unemployed, suffering fellow Americans. The CEOs among them, at least.

In this awful movie clip, an Alabama high-school football team must win the state championship in order to save their school from closing. Their only hope? Enlist the help of Coach Schuler and his football commandments.

NBC and CBS are refusing to air this anti-Ground Zero mosque ad from the National Republican Trust PAC. Good call, since the ad is vulgar, racist, fearmongering garbage; a nauseating embarrassment that should be burned 50 times over. Enjoy!

Around the time he proposed to Bristol, Levi Johnston threatened to ostracize sister Mercede if she didn't take down her blog. Turns out Mercede's blog is controlled by a pair of liberal bloggers Sarah Palin considers her worst enemies.

After the Catch gathered close friends of Captain Phil together in New Orleans to discuss the life of their fallen friend. The city of Seattle hosted a large, public memorial service so people could pay their respects.