The corner bodega is the latest victim to Manhattan’s ever-ascending cost of living and operating an independent business, having been supplanted in some cases by chain supermarkets and pharmacies. That means even more premade Duane Reade bacon egg and cheese sandwiches for you, you filthy animal.

In the coming year, a number of both experienced legislators and relative neophytes will ask for your support as they seek election as President of United States. There is, however, only one candidate who truly deserves your vote: Cop and baby skunk with yogurt cup on head.

The online ecophages known as Minions have already conquered the internet, much of Iraq and death itself. Now, it seems, they are finally coming for the rest of the world, starting with Ireland.

The AP reports that two people died and 15 were injured on Monday after severe weather caused a circus tent to collapse in Lancaster, New Hampshire. Yesterday, storm winds caused a tent to collapse at a festival in suburban Chicago, killing one and injuring more than a dozen others.

Tremaine Wilbourn, the man accused of killing a Memphis police officer on Saturday, has surrendered to authorities, the AP reports. “I think he felt the walls closing in and thought it would be in his best interest to turn himself in,” said Memphis Police Director Toney Armstrong.

In the wake of widespread outrage over the killing of Cecil the lion, Delta Air Lines announced today it would no longer ship lion, leopard, elephant, rhinoceros or buffalo trophies as freight.

Amateur photographer Linda Pelletier of Suffern, NY has sent us the following image of a cloud formation that bears an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.

Hotels: they’re full now. More full than ever. What is it about hotels that is making them so full now?

A quick announcement: Gawker Media’s anonymous SecureDrop portal, which went down for a few days as we moved the server into our new office, is up and running again. If you have information or stories to share with any of Gawker Media’s sites—and want to remain as anonymous as possible—SecureDrop is for you. Detailed instructions for using the portal, which relies on the anonymous Tor network, can be found here.

New York Attorney Gen. Eric Schneiderman will investigate the death of Raynette Turner, who was found dead in a Mount Vernon jail cell on August 27. This will be Schneiderman’s first case since being named special prosecutor for police-related civilian deaths. Turner was the fifth black woman to die in police custody in July.

Jurors have voted to keep the death penalty open for James Holmes, who was convicted last month of murdering 12 people during a 2012 screening of The Dark Knight Rises in Aurora, Co. The trial will now move to the third phase of the sentencing phase, during which jurors will decide if Holmes receives the death penalty or is sentenced to life in prison.

New Jersey governor and snack gourmand Chris Christie hates unions. And he really hates teachers unions. So much so, in fact, that when the bridge bandit himself was asked who he thought deserved a punch in the face, he didn’t even have to blink before confidently announcing: “Oh, the national teachers union.”

Last month, American reality show entertainer turned American political system entertainer Donald Trump publicized presidential rival Sen. Lindsey Graham’s cell number, urging his supporters to “try it.” In the spirit of open and fair political debate, we now bring you Trump’s number.

FUBU, the clothing brand founded by Shark Tank’s fourth most vicious shark, Daymond John, famously stands for, “For us, by us.” The “us” who FUBU was created by and intended for is not, as it turns out, white KKK members from backwater Georgia.

In Connecticut, the rents are unaffordable, the DMV is malfunctioning, and everyone is overdosing on heroin. Nothing new to report, in other words.

Have you heard of “The League”? It’s like Tinder, but for white people people who fancy themselves “elite” and aspire to white collar crime. Business Insider, a website run by an actual disgraced banker, recently attended a party thrown by The League.

HitchBot, a friendly Canadian robot sent on a mission to autonomously hitchhike across America, had a pleasant, successful journey across our fair nation, meeting friendly locals who were happy to help the little bot get where it was going. Until it got to Philadelphia.

Writing for the New Yorker, Jake Halpern has turned in the first extensive interview with Darren Wilson, the former Ferguson, Mo., cop who shot and killed black teenager Michael Brown. In conversations at his home, hidden somewhere “on the outskirts of St. Louis,” Wilson reveals he’s not exactly haunted by second thoughts about what happened: He “did his job” that day, and just wants to move on with his life.

Six days after a Chinese woman was swallowed alive by an escalator, a man in Shanghai lost his leg after falling through the top of an escalator at a mall.

STOP. You there, with the American cheese—yes, you, the American. Hold it right there.