What do the nation’s premiere teen mom sex tape purveyor and the nation’s House minority leader have in common? The answer, surprisingly, is lack of access.

Chelsea Manning, who is currently serving a 35-year prison sentence for leaking government documents to WikiLeaks, has been threatened with possible “indefinite solitary confinement” for a series of seemingly trivial infractions, including owning expired toothpaste and “sweeping food onto the floor,” her lawyer said on Wednesday.

Bumble Bee Foods has agreed to pay $6 million to settle criminal charges over the death of worker burned alive in an industrial pressure cooker, the AP reports. “This is the worst circumstances of death I have ever, ever witnessed,” said Deputy District Attorney Hoon Chun.

Today, three more women came forward to share sickening accounts of sexual assault and harassment allegedly perpetrated by comedian Bill Cosby, Newsweek reports.

Courtroom sketch artist Jane Rosenberg is reportedly sorry for her amusingly bad portrait of Patriots star Tom Brady. “I apologize to Tom Brady for not making him as good-looking as he is,” Rosenberg told The New York Times.

Authorities say infamous “San Quentin Six” conspirator Hugo Pinell* was killed and 11 other inmates were hospitalized with stab wounds on Wednesday after a riot involving about 70 inmates at California State Prison, Sacramento, KHTK reports.

“When Did It Become OK For A $12 Sandwich Not To Come With A Side?” Wow—I could not agree more.

Former President Jimmy Carter announced today that a recent liver surgery revealed that he has cancer. From his statement:

“They told us in J-school, to make it is not common/ And if you do, get used to the taste of Top Ramen/ Go to the first place that likes your resume tape/ It’ll be a small town there the weather ain’t great.” Here is a rap track about being a TV reporter. [Previously; Previously]

Videos and photos posted to social media show series of enormous explosions in the northern Chinese city Tianjin. Early reports indicate the explosions, which caused a huge mushroom cloud and triggered shockwaves that could be felt miles away, occurred on a dock near a giant fuel depot.

Another day, another Uber driver arrested for allegedly sexually assaulting a passenger. At this point, could you blame a person far more cynical than I for concluding the mandatory $1 “safety fee” is complete and utter bullshit?

On July 25, the day after she was arrested and jailed on charges of alleged assault, 37-year-old Ralkina Jones asked officers for medical treatment, saying, “I don’t want to die in your cell.” Less than 15 hours later, she was found dead in her cell.

Thanks to tighter borders and declining numbers of Mexican immigrants, America does not have enough farmworkers to meet demand. Has anyone told the Republicans this???

Chances are you’ve heard about Legionnaires’ Disease at some point over the last month. What is it, how do you get it, and why does it cause grown men to act like warring middle school girls? Here’s what you need to know.

Even (especially?) singles in oppressive, isolated regimes need casual sex, and that’s exactly what Tinder claimed last night during its unhinged attack on Vanity Fair. But is it true? Is anyone in North Korea really using Tinder? Sort of.

If you take a job, and perform poorly, and are fired, chances are that you walk away with a “goodbye,” and that’s all. Unless you are a corporate CEO. In that case, being fired is a richly deserved bonanza.

The latest casualty in the ongoing war against terror appears to be true love.

For about an hour this evening, a scorned sex app went on a series of 140-character tirades, teaching all of us two very important things: 1) Tinder, just like us, cannot handle rejection. And 2) the monster running its Twitter account has no idea what North Korea is.

After 23 hours of talks, Greece and its international creditors reached a tentative agreement for an 85 billion euro bailout on Tuesday, Reuters reports. “There remains work to be done with details,” cautioned Finland’s Finance Minister. “We must take one step at a time. Agreement is a big word.”