President Bill Clinton was born on August 19, 1946 in Hope, Arkansas. Today is his 69th birthday.

Last week, whistleblower Chelsea Manning—currently serving 35 years in Fort Leavenworth military prison—was facing indefinite solitary confinement for possession of expired toothpaste and contraband books and magazines, notably Vanity Fair’s Caitlyn Jenner issue. Manning was convicted of all charges Tuesday, her attorney said, but she won’t be sent to solitary.

According to documents released today by the U.S. Attorney’s office, Subway Jared is going to jail for a while: he’s pleaded guilty to charges that he had sex with two minors and collected homemade child pornography from the president of his charitable foundation.

In 2013, teenage attention-pit Snapchat turned down a $3 billion buyout offer from Facebook, which is only not an insane and arrogant decision if you’re going to reap so much profit that you’re eventually worth more than that. Internal financial documents obtained by Gawker show Snapchat was very far from profitable last year.

Grad school—which is just like college, except you have to do more work and less drugs—is very expensive, for some reason. Grad school debt has long been a worryingly large portion of all student debt. And the problem is not going away.

According to reports, a renowned Syrian scholar was decapitated and his body hung from a Roman column in the ancient ruins of Palmyra, reportedly because he refused to lead ISIS militants to the valuable artifacts he had been charged with looking after.

On Friday, an Australian woman uploaded a chilling 43-second video showing her narrow escape from a relentless, seemingly unstoppable beast.

A former Fairfax County police officer was charged with second-degree murder on Monday, almost two years after he killed an unarmed man as he stood with his hands raised in the doorway of his home, The Washington Post reports.

Tuesday evening, the Food and Drug Administration approved female libido drug flibanserin, making it the first accepted medication for treating low sexual desire in women, The New York Times reports.

Earlier today, Rosie O’Donnell asked for the public’s help in locating her 17-year-old daughter, Chelsea, who was last seen a week ago in Nyack, New York. This evening, O’Donnell tweeted that her daughter has been found and “is safe in police custody.”

The Philadelphia Police Department had an ambitious idea for an anti-weed PSA—recreate the old Saved by the Bell cast’s ‘90s “there’s no hope with dope” ad, starring police officers as Zack Morris and friends. As you can see, though, it didn’t turn out exactly as the department envisioned.

Indianapolis’s WXIN reports that suspended Subway spokesman Jared Fogle will plead guilty to possession of child pornography charges. FBI agents raided Fogle’s Indiana home last month, apparently as part of a long-term investigation.

On Sunday an Imgur user named wasabibukkake uploaded a short video of an orangutan enjoying a lazy bath in what appears to be a kiddie pool (or some other large plastic basin). Full version below:

On January 27, 1991, at a record-release party for the rap duo Bytches With Problems in Hollywood, producer/rapper/then-N.W.A. member Dr. Dre brutally attacked Dee Barnes, the host of a well-known Fox show about hip-hop called Pump It Up! Dre was reportedly angry about a Pump It Up! segment hosted by Barnes that aired in November 1990. The report focused on N.W.A., and concluded with a clip of Ice Cube, who had recently left the group, insulting his former colleagues. Soon after the attack, Barnes described it in interviews: She said Dre attempted to throw her down a flight of stairs, slammed her head against a wall, kicked her, and stomped on her fingers. Dre later told Rolling Stone, “It ain’t no big thing – I just threw her through a door.” He pleaded no contest to assault charges. Barnes’s civil suit against Dre was settled out of court.

This week, fall classes commence at Clemson University, and with the new year comes a new wave of freshmen introduced into the Greek system. At Clemson, mandatory orientation for those looking to rush is on August 22, a date that marks just over 11 months since one pledge, Tucker Hipps, was found dead in a lake near campus.

When two men, armed with one machete between them, ran into a Pittsburgh mini-mart Friday night with the intention of robbing it, they weren’t counting on the store owner having his own sword. And unfortunately for them, his was much, much bigger.

[Russian president Vladimir Putin onboard a bathyscaphe off the coast of Sevastopol, Crimea. Image via Associated Press.]

As police continue to search for the “yellow shirt guy” they say is responsible for yesterday’s bombing in an upscale neighborhood in Bangkok, new video of the deadly blast has reportedly emerged. The terrifying cell phone footage shows dozens of people walking across an overpass when an explosion goes off just feet away.

Granted, this isn’t exactly Marco Rubio’s fault. No matter how old you are, if you’re going to run out for a pass, you should probably at least be able to prevent it from hitting you in the face. That said, “eager young kid unable to come through on the big stage” is a decent metaphor for Rubio’s career in national politics.

Rosie O’Donnell says her 17-year-old daughter, Chelsea, is missing and off her medication. She was last seen a week ago in the Rockland County area.