The teenage girl at the center of the prep school rape trial testified this week that she worried about offending her alleged rapist, a popular senior student at St. Paul’s School, even as he “scraped” the inside of her body, bit her, and spat on her during their alleged encounter in the school’s mechanical room.

At a press conference this morning, former President Jimmy Carter elaborated on his cancer diagnosis, telling reporters that he has four small melanoma spots on his brain.

“I’m lucky because what I make either succeeds or fails. Some people undoubtedly would tell you that’s why it’s crap art, but that’s the way it is. I feel sorry for Abstract Expressionists—how do they know when to go home?”

A crowd of angry protestors devolved into a cloud of tear gas, broken bottles and arrests last night after St. Louis police fatally shot a black 18-year-old suspect while executing a search warrant Wednesday.

Three firefighters were killed and at least three others were injured on Wednesday while fighting a 1,500-acre wildfire near Twisp, Washington, USA Today reports.

According to police, Rosie O’Donnell’s missing 17-year-old daughter, Chelsea, was finally located on Tuesday at the Barnegat, New Jersey home of 25-year-old Steve Sheerer, a convicted criminal she met on Tinder.

According to a newly released survey by Public Policy Polling, the vast majority of North Carolinians say they are “not sure” how they feel about Deez Nuts, and those that do have an impression of the presidential candidate overwhelming say they do not care for Deez Nuts.

After today’s earlier revelation of Josh Duggar’s paid Ashley Madison account hit, tipsters and Twitter are pointing out that if you search Josh Duggar’s highly unique Ashley Madison email handle, “joesmithsonnwa,” this OKCupid profile is the only other result you get.

On Wednesday, prosecutors charged Baltimore Police Officer Wesley Cagle with attempted first-degree murder, accusing Cagle of standing over an unarmed suspect who had been shot multiple times, calling the victim a “piece of shit” and firing a bullet into his groin.

In 2013, conservative reality TV star Josh Duggar—of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting fame—was named the executive director of the Family Research Council, a conservative lobbying group in D.C. which seeks “to champion marriage and family as the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society.” During that time, he also maintained a paid account on Ashley Madison, a web site created for the express purpose of cheating on your spouse.

United Airlines recently issued the iPhone 6 Plus to all its flight attendants, a move that’s been in the works since last year. The phones replace safety manuals and handle onboard food and drink sales, and, according to one tipster, they’re also loaded with all the personal info the airline has on its passengers. Wait, what?

Channing Tatum rescued a horse. He’s the best of course, of course. When it’s time for them to ride, on what destination will they decide?

“Passports! Translation!” yelled the Russian soldier after bursting into the hotel room. He was carrying a bottle of vodka — it was, after all, a Friday afternoon.

Dave Grohl, a man who believes that his music has the power to make grown men cry, also believes that those grown men who cry over his music should be made into a public spectacle. This is all well and good for Dave Grohl, except for when the sad men at his concerts are not crying over his very earnest rock songs, but, instead, their dead mothers.

I believe in the power of an almighty God who is both just and terrible in his wrath: America’s least favorite gathering of startup dorks on MDMA is swarming with a plague of nightmarish, biting bugs.

A gigantic online list of people who’ve cheated (or tried to cheat) on their wives is an internet worst case scenario. If you’re one of those people, you’re probably wondering, How fucked am I? Here’s a guided tour of what hackers just made public.

The Chinese stock market’s sickening recent plunge potentially endangers the entire global economy, but do not worry: China’s richest investors have already cashed out. Ignorant middle class investor-gamblers, don’t miss this unique chance to jump onto a sinking ship. Buy now!

Despite a surge in support that culminated in a New Hampshire poll lead over Hillary Clinton—his first lead in any state poll—and a well-received and thorough racial justice platform, Bernie Sanders is faced with a malignance eating away at the core of his support base. No, it isn’t Black Lives Matter protesters, who jostled him off two podiums in past weeks. Rather, it’s the mostly white liberal voters who make up his dedicated base. Their replies—a mix of disgust and shock—to the actions of black protesters have exposed an old hole in the heart of Progressive politics.

Nineteen-year-old Owen Labrie, a former prefect at the elite St. Paul’s School in Concord, New Hampshire, stands accused of raping a 15-year-old student in 2014 as part of the school’s unofficial, traditional sex competition where senior men try to sleep with as many underclassmen as possible. Labrie’s defense, presented by his attorney J. W. Carney Jr. at trial this week: the girls totally asked to be a part of this game.

In his chat with wizened television shaman Larry King Wednesday, professional sadster and glib racist Morrissey discussed his battle with depression and offered what King says “could be considered a controversial take on the act of suicide.” Hmm, yes: “It’s admirable” could be considered a controversial thing to say about suicide. Very astute observations all around, gentlemen.