Obama Jerks Off Fish by Accident

Kelly Conaboy · 09/03/15 03:30PM

As a lady it brings me no pleasure to tell you that yesterday while President Barack Obama was doing a little fishing in Dillingham, Alaska at Kanakanak Beach, a big salmon jizzed all over him. Our President: President Barack Obama.

Google Docs will now type words you say except words like f***

Andy Cush · 09/03/15 02:22PM

I’m sitting in the phone room trying to use Google Docs new voice typing feature so far it’s working pretty well. it turns out that voice typing won’t punctuate your sentences for you. Capital R. I’m not sure how to capitalize the first word in a sentence. also, it censors your curse words.

Teen Girls Give the Best Dating Advice On This Period Tracking App

Allie Jones · 09/03/15 02:00PM

My new favorite app is: myPill, a pink- and purple-colored period and birth control pill tracker that costs $4.99 in the app store. I bought it this week on the recommendation of my younger sister, and I’m glad I did. The price is probably not worth it for the main pill reminder feature—just set a regular alarm!—but it pays for itself considering how much good advice from teen girls is on there.

France Can "Confirm With Certainty" That Plane Debris Belonged to MH370

Taylor Berman · 09/03/15 11:42AM

The piece of debris found in July on Reunion Island definitely belonged to missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370, French prosecutors confirmed Thursday. Their announcement comes three weeks after Malaysia’s prime minister publicly “confirmed” the same thing, though France at the time—citing, in part, inexplicable barnacles and a missing ID plate—said further tests were needed to determine the debris’s origin.

DWI Barbie Jeep Girl, Please Drive Straight to My Heart

Sam Biddle · 09/03/15 11:30AM

DWIs are fucked up and bad, but driving a tiny electric toy car after your real wheels are taken from you is fucked up and great? What I’m trying to say is Texas State student Tara Monroe is maybe the antihero we deserve.

Alabama Governor Robert Bentley Won't Say Whether He Fucked a Staffer

Jordan Sargent · 09/03/15 08:55AM

Last week, Dianne Bentley filed for divorce from her husband of 50 years, Robert Bentley, who has served as the Republican governor of Alabama since 2011. While Dianne Bentley’s initial petition refers to “an irretrievable breakdown” of her marriage, several Alabama media outlets—along with many local political insiders—have put forth a much more specific explanation: Dianne Bentley came to believe that her husband had an ongoing affair with a female staffer many decades his junior. No one involved—not the wife, the husband, or the alleged paramour—have attempted to refute the allegations.

Remember Concussion Director Peter Landesman's Sketchy, Unprovable Sex Trafficking Exposé?

Allie Jones · 09/03/15 08:00AM

Emails released in the Sony hack reveal that Concussion director and screenwriter Peter Landesman altered his upcoming film, which seeks to shed light on the deathly consequences faced by NFL players after getting hit in the head repeatedly, to prevent possible legal action by the NFL. Landesman, a former journalist for The New York Times Magazine, admitted as much to the Times on Tuesday, explaining that he wanted to be careful with the facts and evidence presented in his movie to protect its credibility.