Country living is dial-up internet living, in America!

On last night's Colbert Report, Stephen revealed the secret behind Clarence Thomas' long-running courtroom silence. Turns out, the Supreme Court justice is a psychic! Too bad the only mind he can read is Antonin Scalia's.

A man says he stole Paris Hilton's fancy birthday cake, and offers photographic proof. Lindsay Lohan goes clubbing, then home with Samantha Ronson. Ashlee Simpson parties until sunrise with sk8er bois. TGIFriday gossip.

Steve Jobs, rumored to be dying of cancer, was healthy enough to sit beside Obama at a dinner for tech moguls in San Francisco last night. Also in attendance: Mark Zuckerberg, who was pried out of his hoodie for the occasion, Google CEO Eric Schmidt, Yahoo! chief Carol Bartz and Twitter CEO Dick Costolo.

This star traded in the big screen for setting up C-Listers on "dates." This actor may quit his show to keep from cheating with his costar, and this fashion editor fired an assistant for not picking up her Xanax. Maybe the madam has an opening?

Understandably, a Michigan woman was not pleased when her mother appeared on the website "People of Walmart." Less understandable is the news reporter's shock at the existence of a website so popular that even Michigan moms know about it.

What do you get when you combine a laser pointer, a blanket on a hardwood floor, and a stack of cups? CAT BOWLING!

Remember when CBS's Serene Branson inexplicably starting slurring while reporting live from the Grammy's? Inside, she explains it was temporary aphasia caused by a complex migraine and cringes as she watches the now-viral footage for the first time.

The debut novel by Kathryn Stockett (pictured), The Help, is the story of black domestic servants working in Mississippi during the 1960s. It was published last year to rave reviews, and has sold more than 2 million copies. But one person's not happy with it: Ablene Cooper, a 60 year-old maid for Stockett's brother, who Stockett apparently used as the basis for one of the main characters in her book, "Aibileen." According to the WSJ:

Before she was Al Bundy's hot wife on Modern Family she was hawking Bally's $5 sign-up fees. You may find her light hair startling, but the gratuitous shots of her body in a bikini will likely ease the pain.

You've got the moves, kid. Now let's make you a star!

Is there any worse pet than a small, yapping dog? No, and that fact has now been confirmed—with numbers.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

When Auburn University beat Alabama in the Iron Bowl last year, something in Harvey Almorn Updyke Jr. snapped. Updyke is an Alabama fan — bitter rivals of Auburn — so the loss was especially tough. In an act of revenge, he phoned into an Auburn radio station to say that he'd sprayed a tree-killing herbicide called Spike 80DF around the school's famed 130-year-old oak trees at Toomer's Corner — where Auburn fans celebrate after wins, do keg stands and puke and make choices that they regret the next day. Updyke ended his call to the radio station with "Roll Damn Tide." Now the trees are dying and there's bascially nothing that anyone can do to save them.

The New York area almost had a huge influx of opium last month! That is, until officers from U.S. Customs and Border Protection at JFK decided to get nosy and crack open a porcelain cat statue that came in on a flight from Thailand. Inside they found a bag of raw opium, and, after opening the other statues, discovered a total of 205-pounds of it, worth an estimated $9 million.

Human Rights Watch yesterday reported that at least 24 demonstrators had been killed in Libya over the last two days, and some speculate that that number could be much higher. In terms of communication and the availability of reliable news, Libya closer resembles North Korea than many of its neighbors. And besides ordering riot police and special forces to crack down on protests in Benghazi and other cities, Brother Leader Muammar Qaddafi has taken a page from the Hosni Mubarak playbook, according to the HRW report:

Perry Moore, executive producer of the Chronicles of Narnia, was found dead yesterday of an apparent Oxycontin overdose in his Soho apartment. He was 39.

A sixteen-year-old was arrested in Brooklyn on Wednesday for kidnapping the daughter of an acquaintance after the acquaintance "smacked" her for eating the last of his hot pockets. Yes! That is what happened, according to the Staten Island Advance, which cites "a law enforcement source"; the suspect, one Aliyah Austin—"a transient from Brooklyn"—was, in fact, briefly cohabitating with the unnamed "acquaintance" and apparently providing babysitting services. ("The source," the Advance tell us, "could not immediately say how Ms. Austin met the victim's father.") In any case, it was the fateful hot pocket-related "smack" (surely that qualifies as domestic abuse?) that set this particular wheel in motion:

Britney Spears—who released a brand-new music video Thursday night—is moving! The pop singer is rumored to have purchased or leased a 19,107 square foot mansion on a 3.39 acre piece of property in Hidden Hills, the Los Angeles gated community where Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony the Osbournes, and the Kardashian Klan all live.

Wisconsin State Senator Lena Taylor is, along with her Democratic colleagues, on the lam, having fled the state to stop Governor Scott Walker's union-busting idiot bill (introduced to fix a budget crisis he himself created) from coming to a vote. You may have known about the senatorial exodus because you read about it in the news, or, if you are a really plugged-in type person, you may have found out through Taylor's Facebook account, to which she posted, this afternoon, as a status update "brb." And that, social media consultants, is how you do it. [Lena Taylor's Facebook Page via Wonkette; images via Facebook]