Supreme Court Associate Justice Clarence Thomas likes to have sex with two women at the same time! He's also, according to his former lover Lillian McEwen, who has written a book about what it's like to have a three-way with someone who would eventually become a fundamentalist Supreme Court justice, basically a human fucksaw: "McEwen gushes over Thomas' prowess and 'fantasy [package],' describing his body as 'coffee-bean ... velvet-covered cement.'" Rock hard, baby.

Last night, the rejected bachelorettes gathered to rehash old grudges, complain about each other, and whine about their failed relationships with Brad. There were tears! Insults flew! Ladies be acting a fool! In other words, an entertaining two-hours of television.

Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly has a question: "A man beats a 100 pound woman into a coma over a parking space. He claims she deserves it. Could he be right? In Kelly's Court!" Never have so many wrongs been contained in the space of a single tweet. Let us count them:

On today's episode of The View, one of the "Hot Topics" was—duh—Charlie Sheen. After playing a clip of Sheen's manic webcast from last night, Barbara Walters got serious, remarking, "This man needs lithium. This man needs treatment."

Last week, the Conan people set up the world's largest game of Angry Birds. Last night, he played it again—but with a twist. This time, the green pigs aren't defending their eggs—they're defending Kim Kardashian's "Jam."

Hey bitches and Kath-eters alike, I'm the new intern at Gawker. Here's my first journalistic assignment. Enjoy these photo captions. Oh, I'm on an Ambien, Adderall & the world's last remaining Quaalude.

Trick shot reels aren't just for quarterbacks anymore.

Last night on the Colbert Report, Stephen called out Mike Huckabee for his recent comments about Natalie Portman's pregnancy. As Stephen put it, Huckabee is now "On notice/Dead to me."

Although we'd like them to, the hosts of Fox & Friends shouldn't quit their day jobs. Watch them all attempt to look like they are better at basketball than they really are.

Is this... it? The heralded jewelry store surveillance tape that either nails LiLo to the ground as a thief, or proves her innocence? Because all I see is proof that helicopter camera angles do wonders for LiLo's cleavage.

Ever wonder what a firecracker exploding in mud or water looks like slow motion? Well, look no further than this video that almost has a Mr. Wizard feel.

What if Super Mario Brothers used realistic sounds to depict him running into pipes and eating mushrooms to grow strong? Well, here he is sounding really life-like.

Alert: It is now virtually impossible to buy a fucksaw. I know; I know. JT's Stockroom, which is apparently the world's leading and perhaps only supplier of genuine fucksaws ("You hold it like a gun, and drill into the ass or vagina with powerful and steady force"), is completely sold out: "Due to high demand, this item is temporarily unavailable. We apologize for any inconvenience. Please check back soon!"

The great thing about the stylistic diversions House has been taking these past few weeks is that they're not just novelties; each gimmick has been used to tell an integral part of the series's ongoing story.

Here's a trailer for the fifth movie in the Fast and the Furious saga, simply titled Fast Five. (They are no longer furious, I guess. Irritated? Irked? Content?) It's the same movie as always, except this time Paul Walker is fully a criminal and they are in Brazil and Michelle Rodriguez is still dead. (Spoiler guys, sorry.) At this point all Paul Walker and Vin Diesel and Jordana Brewster do these days is say they're not going to make more Fast and the Furious movies and then go and make another Fast and the Furious movie. "Naw, we were just playin'. We're gonna make another one. Yeah."

All this guy wants to do is meet a fun-loving gal. But the belligerent yelling and playboy references might be a problem for this Casanova. This is why you should always check for nearby cameras before having an emotional breakdown.

Confessed trespasser and hidden-camera operator James O'Keefe, has released a new deceptively edited video that shockingly documents the fact that at least one NPR executive who has absolutely no newsgathering role is a mainline liberal and refuses to accept money from shadowy Muslim organizations. Let the word go forth that today, March 8, 2011, is the day America was forced to face up to the fact that some NPR executives are liberal elitists.

Before ending his interview with a freestyle rap, Don Glover shared tales of "shocking his junk," how he got his job at 30 Rock, and even threw in an impression of Chris Rock for good measure.

In an act that will undoubtedly revolutionize the sport of surfing, Zoltan "The Magician" Torkos accomplished the first kickflip caught on camera. This is, for sure, totally gnarly.

Journalism legend Charles Pierce makes a great god damn point in a new interview: the idea that a good writer will automatically make a good editor is a farce. The journalism job ladder is broken. What is to be done?