If you thought you couldn't hack a double hack you'd be wrong.

The number of cancer survivors has increased 20% in only six years. Finally, cancer is cured! According to numbers released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Cancer Institute, there were 9.1 million survivors in 2001. By 2007, the number of survivors had risen to 11.7 million. Impressive, as 40 years ago there were only three million.

Japan is still trying to account for the total damage from last night's devastating 8.9 magnitude earthquake and ensuing tsunami. The death toll is still rising, and, ominously, there may be a radiation leak at one of the country's largest nuclear reactors. Meanwhile on the other side of the Pacific, tsunami waves reached America's west coast today without taking much of a toll. The latest news updates are below.

Ellen showed a hilarious clip of a young fan who was recovering from a wisdom tooth operation and ended up saying many quote-worthy statements from "Did he put buried treasure in my mouth?" and exclaiming "I need a tic-tac"

Who wouldn't want to hear George Michael's Careless Whisper played on a saxophone in random places? Apparently security guards.

Republican Iowa State Rep. Jeff Kaufmann, speaker pro tem of the Iowa State House, was caught joking on a hot mic that a proposal which would allow state residents to carry weapons in public without permission from a sheriff and without any training or a background check might better be called the "give-a-handgun-to-a-schizophrenic-bill."

Concerned her beachside pad might get hit by a tsunami, Lindsay Lohan has evacuated herself and temporarily moved inland to the Peninsula Hotel. What is she in Twilight now? And doesn't she have bigger concerns at the moment?

Last night's American Idol was a result show, which, though rife with human suffering, is sort-of boring to recap (Ashthon went home. Bye, Ashthon!). Instead, let's compose an open letter to former contestant and last night's guest, Adam Lambert!

While what comes before the @-symbol may include the letters and characters you picked out, what comes after it still says a whole lot about you. A new study breaks down the types of people that use different types of free email services.

Congressmen Ed Markey of Massachusetts lays the smack down on Republican attempts to kill current environmental protection laws.

Republican Utah Sen. Mike Lee simply does not care for Google. It dominates the search engine field with near-monopoly power. More importantly, corrupt Barack Obama is friendly with some people at Google. And so Lee wants to conduct "vigorous" antitrust oversight into the corporation, like a socialist.

ABOVE: Flickr user daveweekes68 snapped this photo of his local news anchors in Japan this morning: "The helmet wearing news people reflect the reality of the situation in Tokyo as aftershocks continue very frequently." [Flickr]

Here's a trailer for the live action/animation hybrid The Smurfs, which has swapped Jason Lee for Neil Patrick Harris and the Chipmunks for shiny blue Smurf creatures. "I just Smurfed in my mouth" is an actual line from the trailer. Is there more to be said about this picture? Probably not, no. I think we all just Smurfed in our mouths.

The Sahara Hotel and Casino, one of the anchors of old Las Vegas, where Sinatra sang and the Rat Pack played, is closing, due to money problems. It's been around since 1952. It's seen the entire rise and fall of the Las Vegas legend unfold, and its loss will be, in many ways, a sad sign of a once-great desert oasis kingdom returning, slowly, to the very sands from which it came.

Joan Rivers was on The Talk to discuss her reality show with her daughter Melissa. Proving to be more entertaining than the rest of the hosts combined, any chance we could just have her there permanently?

The search for survivors continues in Japan following the worst earthquake in the country's history, and the monumental damage caused by the quake—and tsunami that followed—remains incalculable. Here are some photos of the scene on the ground from the past 24 hours. [Images via AP]

Do you know what today is, in addition to being a tragic day of global devastation? It's Rupert Murdoch's 80th birthday! No need to comment on any issues of karma. Born into a newspaper-owning family in Melbourne in 1931, Rupert parlayed a single small newspaper in Adelaide into a national—and then global—media powerhouse. Who among us can say we have not had our lives affected by Rupert and his properties? Every time you watch The Simpsons or Bill O'Reilly, read the Wall Street Journal or a London tabloid, or watch a rerun of Napoleon Dynamite, you are, in your own way, being touched by the News Corp empire. It's amazing and not a little bit scary.

Remember that childhood toy that you imagined to be real? The Velveteen Rabbit is the story of how that loyal, loving stuffed animal felt when you kicked it to the curb during your adolescent growth spurt. Horse Fly Filmworks would like to bring you back to that time, with their film adaptation of the story and the chance to win an adorable prize pack, which will include a first lineup 20" plush from their Kickstarter project.

Congratulations to GitEmSteveDave for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame.

A study of bipolar disorder (sometimes called manic depression) in 11 countries showed that the highest percentage of bipolar people (4.4% of the population) are here in the U.S. of A. We don't know whether to be excited or sad.