The mainstream media is but one slice of the paid writing world. The deeper you go, the murkier it gets.

Hee hee, ha ha, the New York state lottery has a new series of television ads coming out that pokes fun at the idle rich. Oh ho! Lottery advertising executives should be locked in jail for fraud.

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, goes Wayne LaPierre’s axiom, is a good guy with a gun. What if the bad guy’s gun is fake? Another shopworn motto for gun-lovers applies: kill ‘em all, and let god sort ‘em out.

The husband of the mayor of a small Oklahoma town celebrated Halloween by donning a white robe emblazoned with a crucifix and then holding a large wooden cross near torches to make it look like it was aflame.

Tiger, tiger, burning bright/In the forests of the night/What immortal hand or eye/Did you eat this weekend?

Ohio University’s Acacia fraternity chapter has been suspended pending a university investigation, The Athens News reports. The school began looking into the chapter after a student posted a short video of Acacia bros singing a dirty version of “Hey Jude” to sorority girls last week. The new lyrics, per the whistleblower, were as follows:

Metrojet officials announced Monday that the Russian jetliner crash that killed 224 people in the Sinai Peninsula was caused by “an external impact on the plane” that caused it to disintegrate mid-air.

The University of Notre Dame has fired a female academic coach, the New York Daily News reports, after a student filed a lawsuit against the school on Friday claiming that the tutor had coerced several university football and basketball players into having “racially-motivated” sex with her daughter.

“Pro-marijuana group ResponsibleOhio introduced its new mascot to supporters this week... Part Superman, part cannabis plant, ‘Buddie’ has a green marijuana bud for a head, sports six-pack abs and wears a cape. On his chest: The letter B over a cannabis leaf and the state of Ohio.”

At least 14 people are dead after a gun battle at the Sahafi hotel in Mogadishu, Somalia on Sunday, the New York Times reports. The Shabab militant group took responsibility for the attack.

A giant hole has opened up on a Wyoming ranch, the end is nigh.

If there’s one thing all 15 (!) Republican presidential candidates can agree on it’s that pretending televised debates are anything more than a sham—and that network TV journalists are actually journalists—is probably, at this point, a whole lot more trouble than it’s worth.

On the list of Bad Halloween Costume Ideas, “Suicide Bomber” has got to be at or near the very top. There will always be social consequences for wearing such a thing. Then there are the consequences of wearing your suicide bomber costume on a goddamn military base, and those are a whole other matter.

The remains of an affluent Connecticut couple who went missing in August were found Thursday in Weston and authorities will charge their adult son with their murders, reports the New York Times.

Russia’s top aviation official said Sunday that the Russian jetliner that crashed in the Sinai Peninsula, killing all 224 people aboard, broke up at a high altitude shortly after takeoff on Saturday, the Associated Press reports.

The family of Fred Thompson has announced that the actor and Republican who represented Tennessee in the U.S. Senate from 1994 to 2003 has died following a recurrence of lymphoma, the Associated Press reports. He was 73.

Sen. Paul Ryan, the newly-elected Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, will not let the new title go to his head. He will not be moving over to the the Speaker’s office in the Capitol, he will not stop his daily buns and guns, and he certainly will not start sleeping in a real bed in a real home during the work week.

Chipotle’s signature Halloween “Boorito” came with an extra-scary addition this holiday season: pathogenic strains of E. coli, a bacterium that can be fatal in some cases.

As a descendant of Irish peasants and a graduate of a Catholic high school, I personally know that “Catholic guilt” can be a cruel and unyielding master. Little did I know that that same Catholic guilt is used to decide some of the most important decisions in the United States government.

An investigation by the Associated Press uncovered some 1,000 U.S. law enforcement officers who lost their badges for incidents of sexual misconduct, including rape, sexual assault, sodomy, child pornography and having intercourse while on duty. The accusations “reflect a betrayal of the badge,” says AP.