The NYPD is prepared for Charlie Sheen this weekend. "We have a big police force, we're ready for him," New York Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly declared earlier today when asked about the actor who's in New York for two live shows at Radio City Music Hall this weekend. But like preventing terrorism or ending the spread of syphilis, we're going to need everyone's help to ensure the situation is contained. Yes, that's right, you're expected to do your part. The police can't handle all of the dangers inherent in Charlie Sheen's visit to the Big Apple. Here are some tips on what you can do to help.

How can anyone continue to film this? Can someone please scoop up that adorable doggie and place it in a bundle of cushions and blankets?

Five major US airlines — AirTran, Delta, US Air, Virgin America, and JetBlue — have all recently raised (or will soon raise) their domestic round-trip airfare by $10. They say the hike was implemented as a way of countering rising jet fuel costs, but clearly it's just another example of the airlines taking us for a ride. (Figuratively. I understand that they already do literally take us for a ride.) How much more fare-raising will we stand before we resort to the old ways of the locomotive or a weary resignation that we'll just never see California? [AP, image via Shutterstock]

When I first started editing way back in 2002, Avid was an undisputed tyrant who ruled the land of digital non-linear editing with an iron fist. Then Final Cut Pro came along and editors everywhere were given a choice of platform. As this clip makes clear, it's really just a choice between the lesser of two evils.

Here's a trailer for brutalist director Lars Von Trier's lastest film, a sci-fi flecked drama about a miserable bride and the end of the world. The film actually bills itself on its website as "A beautiful movie about the end of the world." So there. Plus naked Dunst!

What factors does New Jersey consider before proposing legislation? Is it the economy, the health and wellness of their citizens, or the desire for law and order? No, it's how much Snooki gets paid.

In this AIDs awareness video that would probably never air in the US, we see a penis doing calculus, writing a memoir, and diffusing a bomb, all the while teaching us one valuable lesson: "clever dicks wear condoms".

The city of Washington D.C. will be hammered by a prolonged government shutdown. The D.C. government manages its own budget, but because of its unique form of slavery, the money technically needs to be appropriated by the House of Representatives. And since "government shutdown" is just the shorthand term for "no appropriations," the city government of Washington D.C. can only offer essential services during a shutdown. In other words, no trash pick up! So some residents are just planning to dump their waste outside Speaker John Boehner's "house" instead, which is kind of mean.

A dog trying to cross the highway is hit by a car and hurt badly, unable to move. Moments later, another dog comes rushing to his rescue and leads him to safety. It is said that the injured dog did not actually survive.

Fox News anchor Greta Van Susteren is married to a guy who just happens to be good friends with Sarah Palin. Now she's complaining on her blog that people are inviting her to stuff just to hang out with her famous friend.

Moral of the story? Teenage fangirls are not to be messed with, especially those part of the degenerate subculture of Beliebers. We just lost Spain people, Bieber Fever is now, officially, a pandemic.

Oh good grief. The worms of the Big Apple came back for a fourth season last night, and boy were they awful! Some new sense of desperation seems to have descended upon the city's social non-elite, and it's not pretty.

Felon rapper Lil Wayne was forced to cancel European tour dates because the UK wouldn't give him a visa. The decision was supposedly made because of his criminal record for weapons and drugs. We think it's really because his passport didn't have the appropriate punctuation for the contraction in his name. Brits are such sticklers!

Notorious Scottsdale porn scribe Rep. Ben Quayle is already making a name for himself during his freshman House term. Unfortunately, most of that is due to his terrible standup comedy. But the boy wonder now has an opportunity to redeem himself and restore the Quayle family name to its fading 1980s glory. He's been tasked with ensuring America's earthquake preparedness, from his chair in a House subcommittee.

Ubiquitous ingenue Amanda Seyfried had a bit of trouble while leaving the London premiere of Little Red Riding Hood last night. No, her eyes weren't bleeding from watching the horrible movie. She was given a parking ticket and refused to take it.

Twelve hours until the government shuts down, people! Actually eleven hours and some minutes! Progress was made last evening, however. The only inflexible issue that hasn't been negotiated out, according to everyone, is the few hundred million dollars in federal subsidies for Planned Parenthood.

Scientists have discovered the first-known case of someone catching an STD from a mosquito bite. And he gave it to his wife! Now is the time to invest in some Off! stock.

With lyrics like "Ima get dumb and bang a wizard", these bad lip reading videos are re-inventing awful songs. The post-Disney Miley Cyrus probably approves, with all the references to blunts, bonfires and industrial windmills?

Because putting his name on Trump Tea, Trump Steaks, Trump Ties, Trump Water, Trump Vodka, Trump Towers, and possibly Trump/Hasselbeck 2012 election posters wasn't enough, Donald Trump just acquired a Virginia vineyard so he can make Trump Wine.

The father-daughter singing team that brought the Internet down with their heartwarming version of "Home" are back, this time covering 4 Non Blondes' "What's Up? (What's Going On?)" Could they be cuter?