Here's an antidote to that sad, helpless feeling you get every time you hear Rebecca Black's unkillable ode to hebdomadal cycles, "Friday." In it, a group of brave, young test subjects submit to a screening of the infamous video that turned Black into our generation's biggest anti-star, then answer questions on what they've just seen. The results are reassuring, to say the least. Even the one little girl who actually liked it compares it to "a dessert with a pig on top." We might be leaving the planet in good hands, folks! [The Fine Bros]

I'm not entirely sure why Dennis Quaid has penned a short essay for Newsweek entitled "My Favorite Mistake: Cocaine," but he has, so let's blow through a few lines.

Gawker staff writer Maureen O'Connor appeared on CNN's Newsroom with Don Lemon today. Check out the clip above. For media requests, please contact Kevin Prince at kevin@gawker.com.

It's never too soon to talk to your kids about drinking. A family eating at a Detroit-area Applebee's over the weekend noticed that their 15-month-old son Dominic was behaving oddly. That's because the restaurant had accidentally served him tequila.

68-year-old retired computer consultant Joe Capp has set up a 24 hour UFO hotline and has received almost two dozen sightings so far. Unfortunately the New York Post article does not include the phone number! Must be 1-800-I-SAW-UFO.

The U.S. has released its annual report on human rights! And guess who gets called out by name? Yes, duh, it's China, which has been cracking down on dissidents and activists extra-hard lately. Of course, China doesn't take kindly to being told it sucks at human rights, especially by the U.S., so the Chinese government released its own "I Know You Are But What Am I" report telling the U.S. to butt out and maybe stop locking up black kids. "Stop the domineering behavior of exploiting human rights to interfere in the internal affairs of other countries," it reads, in part. Guys, guys! You're both massive, cruel prison-industrial complexes with no meaningful avenues for dissent. The U.S. has better TV, though. [Reuters; image via AP]

The Achilles Effect, a blog about gender stereotypes and masculinity, took stock of the frequency with which certain words are used in commercials for "gendered" toys like Hot Wheels and Bratz by making Wordle word clouds. See if you can guess which cloud goes with which gender! (Hint: Boys hate friendship, fun and glitter.) [Achilles Effect via Boing Boing]

Think you're only sharing what you want to on Facebook? You're wrong. A new study by Columbia privacy researchers suggests almost everyone on Facebook is sharing something they want to be hidden.

If you're disappointed by your own unemployment or depressed salary in the post-recession era, at least be heartened that some of your fellow Americans are doing well: According to the Times, CEOs at 200 major corporations made a median $9.6 million last year, with Viacom CEO Philippe Dauman pulling in $84.5 million for the top spot. Yes, corporate profits are way up, and along with them executive compensation; and while the Times notes that "so far, this recovery has not trickled down," we're sure it's only a matter of time! And, until then, absolutely no need to tax the super rich at higher rates. [NYT; image via Shutterstock]

In his first public appearance since being arrested for rape and sexual molestation charges in England, free speech champion Julian Assange threw a fit, threatening to sue a guy who said mean stuff about him.

Multimillionaire musician Bob Dylan performed in China this week and, shockingly, did not sing ancient protest song "Blowin' in the Wind." This, writes New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, "is a whole new kind of sellout."

Former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin believes President Obama was born in Hawaii. She said so just yesterday! But even so, she "appreciates" failed businessman Donald Trump's (very public) quest to discover the president's true origins.

It's prom season, which means it's time for the New York Post to roll out its trend story about how New York City proms are more outrageously expensive than ever. However! Our scientific meta-trend analysis shows isn't quite the case.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are playing with fire. Charlie Sheen bounces back. Lindsay Lohan is shocked. And Michelle Williams might be a hipster. Welcome to your Gossip Roundup: Lord's Day edition.

A large tornado swept through the west Iowa town of Mapleton yesterday, damaging up to 60 percent of the buildings. Nobody was hurt. Looks pretty terrifying! In other news, we counted no less than five branded storm chasing outfits that were on-scene and uploaded video to YouTube.These guys are everywhere.

Convicted Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff has a lot of time to kill in jail. So what does he do? Well, for one thing, give jailhouse interviews—such as this most recent one to the Financial Times—where he can rail about the banks he believes (more or less accurately, in our estimation) were complicit in his scheme. But also: Keep up with his mail (of which he gets "lots," all from "well-wishers"); work at the prison commissary ("10 a.m. to 7 p.m., four days a week"); and, apparently, work on "ethics courses," for which he's been solicited by "several business schools," including Harvard and Northwestern. Oh, and also, read:

When Mark Zuckerberg took his "vacation" to China last year, it was largely interpreted as laying the groundwork for a possible introduction of Facebook to China. Now, Facebook is reportedly in talks with partners about a possible move. Bloomberg reports that Facebook has held "exploratory" talks with companies in China. Chinese bloggers have been floating rumors that Facebook is partnering with search giant Baidu for a joint Chinese venture.

Like many of us, President Obama woke up on Saturday morning not completely sure of what had happened the night before—had he averted a government shutdown? "There's only one way to make sure," Ax told him over the phone. "You have to go to the Lincoln Memorial and see if it's open."

Prince William and Kate Middleton are a young, attractive couple who have been living together for ages. If they haven't had sex by now we'd be worried. Luckily nobody in the UK cares about whether their princesses are virgins anymore.

A shooter with an automatic weapon opened fire in a shopping mall in the Dutch town of Alphen aan den Rijn, killing six and wounding 10 before taking his own life. It's the second shooting in as many weeks in the town of 70,000 (two were killed on April 2), though it's unclear if the incidents were connected; the gunman in today's massacre was apparently shooting indiscriminately. He hasn't been identified, though he is apparently "known to police." [BBC; image via AP]