Today we heard the awesome news that marauding pirates will now be fought with fancy, expensive US Navy lasers! Rock on! Electric guitars! Ladies with permed hair and hot pink bikinis! All that. Well, wait a second. Don't party too soon, warns a commenter.

There are widespread reports in the Chinese press that Facebook may circumvent China's ban on Facebook.com by partnering with the dominant local search engine Baidu to create a "new," jointly owned social network. Ten Yuan to one says this new social network will work in a manner suspiciously similar to Facebook.com. Facebook is slippery like that. [BI, image via Getty]

NBC News hero Brian Williams made us laugh last year with a very funny takedown of the New York Times' constant trend reporting on magical bobo borough Brooklyn. Well, he's at it again, only he's skipping the Times stuff and aiming squarely at Brooklyn this time.

Lots of people are talking about Lady Gaga's new video for her song "Judas," including the creative director who worked on the project and the Catholic League, which is up in arms like usual. They disagree on the video's message, but there's one thing everyone will soon be able to agree on: Lady Gaga is ripping off Madonna again.

As she closes in on a possible presidential run, gleefully ignorant Tea Party queen Michele Bachmann says she isn't doing this for self-aggrandizement. She is doing this to save America, in one presidential term or less:

In lieu of drafting a letter to the editor or posting a comment, Donald Trump has responded to a Vanity Fair blog post by printing it out, writing insults on it, and mailing it to editor Graydon Carter with an embossed calling card. He's the closest thing America has to royalty.

Omar Hammammi, the Alabama-born American who ran off to Somalia to join an Al Qaida-affiliated terrorist group, likes to rap about his kafir-killing skillz. He just released a new single: "Send Me a Cruise." He's moving in sort of an M.I.A. direction.

Google and the New York Times have teamed up to bring you A Google A Day, a new daily trivia question that will run next to the crossword puzzle and, more importantly, online. What is the point of having a trivia question with a Google box right above it?

You guys won't believe this, but Willard "Mitt" Romney is running for president! Not that he ever really stopped. But consider today's launch of a presidential exploratory committee an official reboot of the popular plastic Mittens brand.

Good news from the misguided cult members who delivered Travolta-endorsed junk science to a quake-ravaged Haiti: Scientology "volunteer ministers" are in Japan, touch-healing homeless tsunami victims, according to a celebratory press release issued today.

Welcome to the future, people. The U.S. Navy has perfected a high-energy laser that can be aimed from a ship and can set another boat's engines on fire. The military thinks it will be perfect to prevent attacks by smaller vessels, so pirates being zapped with lasers won't be something you'll just read about in comic books anymore.

Fresh off last week's down-to-the-wire spending showdown, President Obama and Speaker John Boehner are locking horns again on fiscal matters — and this time the stakes for the U.S. economy are even more monumental.

A 26-year-old blogger named Maikel Nabil has received a three-year sentence for insulting the Egyptian military by writing about its habit of conducting "virginity tests" on female detainees. Under Mubarak he probably would've gotten like 10 years. So, you know, freedom marches on.

Donna Martin graduates... to a new house! One-time actress turned low-budget reality TV star and scorned daughter Tori Spelling is selling her Encino, CA mansion for a cool $3.2 million. This is like the hundredth house she's lived in over the past few years, maybe because moving to a new house is such good plot fodder for lady-interest reality shows? Who knows why.

A federal appeals court rejected Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss' demand for more Facebook money, adding that the spoiled Harvard twins should shut up already about how Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg stole their idea. The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling gets pretty brutal at the end:

Texas' legislature is moving a bill to increase the speed limit on certain highways and rural roads to 85 miles per hour, the highest in the country. Throw in your "free 10," and you'll be able to drive 95 mph in Texas without much chance of getting pulled over. Maybe even 100, depending on how much speeding ticket revenue is needed to fill local budgetary gaps. You know what? Just floor the goddamn thing and forget the limit altogether. It'll catch up to you in a few more legislatures.

Benicio del Toro's publicist, on Rod Stewart daughter and Paris Hilton also-ran Kim Stewart: "Kimberly is pregnant. Benicio is the father and is very supportive. Although they are not a couple, they are looking forward to the arrival of the baby." Good to know. [L&S, images via Getty]

How's this for a bizarre blackmail setup: A 30-year-old man was arrested for allegedly tricking another man into committing statutory rape against a 16-year-old girl and filming the incident.

Jim Carrey, that nearly forgotten relic of the '90s, tried to improve his image and box office relevance by getting himself a new haircut. It's not working.

The French rolled up in more than 30 armored cars to the compound of Ivory Coast 'strongman' Laurent Gbagbo today and finally arrested him. All hail the French! The civil war sparked by Gbagbo's refusal to step down following his election loss last November is hopefully reaching its conclusion. This will come as terrible news to several prominent evangelical Christians back here in America.