Here's a trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the flashy new prequel to Planet of the Apes. Apes. It's about apes. Did you get that? Yeah, and James Franco is the scientist who makes all the apes smart and take over the world.
Czech president Vaclav Klaus embarrassed his country by stealing a pen during an official signing ceremony. But the Czech people have risen up admirably to mock him: More than 5,000 Czechs have signed up on Facebook to mail Klaus pens. According to the Facebook page, participants will send the presidential office writing implements on May 2 because "Mr. president obviously has nothing to write with." [via Daily What; image via AP]
A poor, unsuspecting guy caught on fire while sitting in a private booth "watching videos" at a porn shop in San Francisco. He ran out of the shop engulfed in flames. It's still unclear how the fire started, but I have been in the back of more than one porn shop in my day, and it has been known to get a little...um...hot back there?
For $25,000, Altoona, Pennsylvania, is changing its name to "Pom Wonderful" for 60 days later this month as part of the marketing campaign for Morgan Spurlock's new documentary Pom Wonderful Presents the Greatest Story Ever Sold, which is about the incessant creep of product placement, none of which makes any sense.
So the deal for the "largest spending cut in history" that no one knew the components of until ~5 minutes ago is coming up for rubber-stamping today, to avoid a government shutdown. The votes are expected to be there. But maybe we'll get lucky and the government of the greatest nation in the history of the world will shut down anyway, over confusing math.
Sarah Lawrence is America's most expensive college. It'll cost you a cool $59,000 to send your whelp there to sit shoeless on a grass lawn, becoming a lesbian. Why so pricey? The school's president has all sorts of dubious explanations.
Last night I made the mistake of watching Modern Family in real time. The problem wasn't that I couldn't fast forward through the commercials (though it did suck) but that I got sucked into not one, but two episodes of the new sitcom Happy Endings that followed it. Even worse, I actually liked it.
Last night's installment of Ryan Seacrest's Fantasy Island involved the eight surviving kids yelling at us about movies. Specifically, they sang songs from movies. That was the theme. Only, it was hardly a theme at all.
Masturbatory American Apparel boss Dov Charney has caused a good deal of cognitive dissonance lately: on the one hand, he's institutionalized sexist objectification at his company, but on the other hand, he may actually be innocent of the most recent sexual harassment allegations against him. So it's good that Dov is always ready to bring clarity to the situation. Even when he's innocent, he's still a sleazebag.
A lot of people use YouTube to upload original content of adorable babies. But a lot of people use it to post copyright-violating clips of TV shows and Lady Gaga videos. Now, YouTube copyright violators will be sentenced to "copyright school."
Mickey Rourke takes back a compliment and trashes his movies. Lindsay Lohan brags about her mafia connections. David Arquette fails to seduce his wife at Disney World. Thursday gossip is full of failure.
This down-and-out actress has been making ends meet with credit card fraud. This actress is sleeping with Oscar winners so the Academy will take her seriously. And this basketball star is cheating on his famous wife. At least he isn't facing jail time.
If there's one issue related to factory farming that our nation's legislators need to address, it's the extreme perils of... people filming what's going on at factory farms, and showing the public. Iowa will put a stop to this!
Royal Wedding hysteria has already reached a fever pitch, and now this happens: A mango jelly bean was found with Kate Middleton's face on it in Britain! Kate now sits atop the supernatural world with Mary and Jesus, whose likenesses have miraculously appeared on pieces of toast and grilled cheese sandwiches over the years. The lucky man who unknowingly bought the magical jelly bean for his girlfriend spoke to the Telegraph:
We officially have a trend on our hands: Another air traffic controller was found sleeping on the job yesterday, this time in Reno, Nevada. And the flight yesterday was an airborne ambulance, and the pilot was forced to land on his own. It's only taken several high profile incidents similar to yesterday's to get the FAA to add more than one controller to overnight shifts at 26 airports across the country. How thoughtful.
Hugo Scheckter is a sophomore at George Washington University. He's also the Managing Editor of the school newspaper, The GW Patriot, and President of Club Sports. In other words, he's a good kid and a go-getter. So when someone lifted his iPad on Saturday night from his dorm — along with some cash and his laptop — Hugo took matters into his own hands.
