Americans are—we are sorry to say—whiny, dissatisfied, lazy stereotypes of themselves, always looking for a "handout" rather than a "hand up."

This writer/comedian poses as an internet troll and then uses the responses to his comments in his act. This tween star never really went to rehab, it was all just a PR stunt. Sounds like something a troll would say.

"After shopping at Whole Foods on Houston Street, a Manhattan artist returned to his [Porsche Cayenne] SUV to find the window smashed and both his laptop and lapdog missing from the back seat."

Teetering teenage titty tableau titillator American Apparel has been wrestling this week with the question of how to get millions of dollars to keep itself alive while still being run by Dov Charney, a crazy person. They've done it! How? They found the minute handful of people in North America who A) have millions of dollars to invest, and B) do not think Dov Charney is a crazy person. What are the chances?

There's nothing quite like giving the government money to get someone all hot and bothered, right? Kevin Robert Theriault (pictured) had been stalking a woman dressed as the Statue of Liberty advertising a tax service in Tempe, Arizona, flashing her three times in as many weeks, as well as jerking off on the street. And of course, he came back for Tax Day. According to the East Valley Tribune:

What's dumber than getting a tattoo on your ass of the Tasmanian Devil chugging a beer while peeling out in a hot rod? Getting a full chest piece that recreates that murder you committed outside of a liquor store several years back, that's what.

Crazy old coot John McCain landed in the rebel-held eastern Libyan city of Benghazi today. What's the old warmonger doing there? We imagine he's there to size 'em up because, you know, McCain's understanding of Libya's complex system of tribal loyalties probably goes all the way back to Reagan's bombing campaign there in the '80s, and maybe even Back to the Future. He also knows a thing or two about prosecuting a successful war.

It won't be long now before we get the answer to that ancient riddle, "What's an appropriate sentence for a man who ejaculates into his co-worker's water bottle for his own sexual gratification?"

Cannabis Inhaleum! This is allegedly a photo of Rupert Grint, the actor who plays Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter films, smoking from a bong at a Harry Potter cast party. Could be fake, but I want to believe. Something tells me he wasn't just doing extra coursework for Herbology teacher Pomona Sprout!*

What were you doing July 24, 2010? If you'd heeded the call by directors Ridley Scott and Kevin MacDonald, then whatever you were doing, you were filming it. Life in a Day, which debuted at Sundance in January and hits theaters in July, promises to show "the true story of a single day on Planet Earth." Here's the documentary's goose bump-inducing trailer. [via NYM]

Tonight, 30 Rock celebrated its 100th episode with a storyline about—what else?—TGS's mishap-ridden centennial. Following his fake trip to Africa, a despondent Tracy Jordan thought that he could get his mojo back by being offensive on some talk shows, like Rachael Ray, Live! and Today. He was wrong. And it was funny. Also: Two big cameos!

A Justice League of seventeen state attorneys general has formed to conquer a new supervillain in our midst: Snoop Dogg-endorsed malt energy drink, Blast.

On tonight's American Idol results show, plastic bagged songbird Katy Perry appeared to grace us with her underwhelming live voice during an alien-themed performance of "ET," her new duet with Kanye West. Then West himself showed up—fur vest and all—though nobody seemed to even notice.

With a new, allegedly-not-terrible movie called The Beaver opening in limited release on May 6, Mel Gibson has finally faced the music and broken the silence that's followed the release of those incendiary tapes back in the summer of 2010.

On tonight's Extra, Rebecca Black talked to Mario Lopez about the death threats that have been made against her because of her annoyingly popular song, "Friday." Black said she just was surprised that some people were taking it so seriously: "Yeah, um, I think that's kind of weird. Like, why would you, it's a song! Like, it's not like I ran for President and then I said something really bad."

He's not going to take this well: An Egyptian court ruled today that Hosni Mubarak's name and likeness must be removed from any public institution.

In game after game and comic book after comic book, there they are: characters with glasses. And Japan's totally gaga for them. They're embedded into the Japanese subconscious, becoming not only a trope, but an object of desire themselves. [Kotaku]

Time now to check in with the brave men and women of the U.S. Marine Corps embedded in Afghanistan, who can barely contain their sexiness as they dance and lip-sync to Britney Spears' "Hold It Against Me." We think you'll find there's a little something here for everyone. [YouTube via ONTD]

The ballots for Worst Teacher Ever have been tabulated — and we have a tie! And they're married! Gay Davidson-Shepard, 59, and her husband Daniel Alma Shepard, 61, both high school educators from Orange County, have been charged with engaging in illegal sex acts with a 17-year-old boy. They're currently out on $150,000 bail.

Sen. John Ensign, the evangelical Republican who's faced an ethics investigation ever since he banged the wife of one of his aides and then tried to keep the couple quiet by paying them off, is resigning. Last day: May 3!