The White House released Barack Obama's long-form real-live actual 100% genuine birther-approved "Certificate of Live Birth" from the state of Hawaii this morning, robbing intelligent Americans of one of their chief sources of amusement and ostensibly establishing his citizenship once and for all.

Garry McCarthy is co-star of the acclaimed Sundance reality series Brick City. In his spare time, he's the police chief of Newark, New Jersey. He's also kind of a dick. Now he's in the running to be Chicago's police chief.

We hasten this morning to bring you the very latest on the Penn Frat Party Camel Abuse Controversy. What's that? You haven't been following the uproar at the Ivy League that erupted after the Zeta Psi fraternity went to a petting zoo and rented a camel for its "Spring Fling" party? And how some people objected to the way that the camel was surrounded by drunken Greeks and petted to within an inch of its life?

Fresh off his Libyan rebel meet and greet, American warhorse John McCain, speaking to Al Jazeera, said protesters in Syria need "moral support," adding, "I don't see a military intervention as a solution." Whoa. Did someone check Maverick's blood pressure?

Of course it's San Francisco — the same city that banned Happy Meals, plastic bags, tasering kids, sitting on the sidewalk and fun in general — that might vote on banning male circumcision in November. A collection of "intactivists" (ha, good one) proposing a ban submitted over 12,000 signatures to the city's Election Board yesterday, with 7,168 verified signatures required for the bill to go to a vote. They should know if the signatures are legit within a month.

Ever wondered how much meth you can squeeze into your sneakers? Between 800 grams and a kilo per pair, that's how much, apparently. Ten people from a Malaysian "tour group" were caught at the Auckland Airport in New Zealand yesterday, each with roughly the same amount of meth in their shoes totaling just over $8 million (USD). Customs agents were tipped off because the smugglers carried "itineraries that were in English but (they) couldn't speak English."

Drawing Hitler moustaches on subway movie posters, yearbook pictures and images of Barack Obama is a time honored tradition in America. But in Britain, drawing one on a Conservative politician's campaign poster can turn a tiny, quiet hamlet into a police state. At least that's what happened to Pitcombe, Somerset, after one appeared on a likeness of Conservative councillor Mike Beech in the village and he called police to cry about it.

In case you haven't been reliving your teenage years recently, here's some news: New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys recently formed some sort of washed-up boy band supergroup called NKOTBSB. They're touring together this summer! And on Tuesday night's Dancing with the Stars results show, each group performed one of their biggest hits.

TelePrompTer inventor Hubert J. "Hub" Schlafly Jr., a man responsible for the device no celebrity has ever used correctly in the history of awards shows, has passed away. Vamp for 20 seconds then throw to commercial. [ABC News]

Starbucks has attracted its fair share of negative attention over the years. Here's another bit of bad news for detractors to feast on. Last week, a group of friends was socializing outside a Starbucks near Richmond, BC when they noticed a rat enjoying the coffee chain's delicious syrup dispensers. Naturally, they filmed the action. And now you're nauseous. [BCLocal via Eater]

Arnold Schwarzenegger's team is shopping around yet another Terminator sequel, in which the former governor would reprise his iconic role as a herniated, lactose-intolerant killing-machine on an unstoppable mission to find a chiropractor who accepts his health insurance. [Hollywood Reporter]

After she was slapped with a 120-day jail sentence last week (of which she served a whole five hours), Lindsay Lohan attempted to do some damage control this evening with an appearance on The Tonight Show.

Behold the jelly-shaking rapture of supreme funk goddess Beyoncé Knowles, seen here performing "Move Your Body" — a high-impact, aerobicized version of her 2007 hit, "Get Me Bodied." You remember that one. It was like "Girls (Who Run the World)" — except it was good.

Mitch Hunter, an army private from Indiana, has become the fourth American in history to successfully undergo a face transplant. The operation took 14 hours and required a staff of 30 at Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital, who have now performed three such groundbreaking procedures.

The International Association of Fire Fighters—the sexiest of all unions—has announced that it's suspending all of its contributions to federal candidates "out of frustration with Congressional Democrats." Which is not an uncommon feeling these days! But the firefighters' union donated nearly $2 million to Democratic candidates for the 2010 elections, so their spending suspension may be taken a bit more seriously than mine. "We're feeling taken for granted," the union's president, Harold Schaitberger, told The New York Times, which seems reasonable—after all, they don't just donate money and support Democratic candidates; they also fight fires, in peoples' homes. IAFF's dough will now go to state and local-level candidates, especially in states where unions are being threatened by Tea Party jerkoffs. Expect Senate Democrats to respond by sucking up extra hard to rich people. [NYT; image via AP]

On tonight's Report—after poking fun at Haley Barbour's pre-entrance exit from the 2012 presidential race—Stephen Colbert defended candidate Mitt Romney against charges that he'd gaffed by suggesting America was in a "peacetime" state. Among other things, Colbert explained, "Congress never officially declared war on any of these countries, so technically, Romney is right—our soldiers are just spending a semester abroad!"

Many have credited Jon Stewart with helping to finally push the long overdue James Zadroga 9/11 Health And Compensation Law—which provides health care for afflicted first responders—through Congress. So when he heard about a seemingly unconscionable amendment to the bill that requires the government to make sure the heroes aren't terrorists before providing them benefits, Stewart was understandably angry. And on tonight's Daily Show, he let it be known.

Janna St. James, who seduced a married woman over the internet by pretending to be a hunky firefighter, may face harsher penalties than the awkward confrontation immortalized in this video: An Illinois appeals court has reinstated a lawsuit against her.

Hey, did you know that NBC premiered a convoluted, Christina Aguilera-headlined singing competition called The Voice tonight? Because, you know, it's not like the network promoted the hell out of it for two months straight or anything. Anyway, as we predicted, the show kind of sucks, and here are two clips—from before the "blind auditions" even started—to illustrate the point.

Donnie Wahlberg isn't just an actor and beloved member of New Kids on the Block. He's also an organ broker! Not in the traditional, wake-up-with-a-huge-scar-in-a-hotel-bathtub-filled-with-ice way, either: Wahlberg helped a fan find a 100-percent legitimate new kidney, using only Twitter.