The state of Wisconsin was deeply disgraced over the weekend as its foremost representative, Miss Wisconsin USA, admitted to identity theft. Shaletta Porterfield, who worked at a marketing company last summer, told police that she forged the signatures of clients in order to meet her commission goals. She likely won't see any jail time (according to her lawyer, she didn't benefit monetarily from her actions, and stopped working at the firm in August), but she will have live with the knowledge that she brought deep and abiding shame upon the Miss USA pageant. [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel via NYDN]

Given that the nation's credit rating bureaus have names that are somewhat nightclubby — "see you later on at Club Experian!" — it almost makes sense that they maintain VIP lists. Almost.

Two New York City police officers disciplined for "hooker trouble" are apparently being investigated in relation to the murders of four prostitutes whose bodies turned up on a Long Island beach earlier this year.

Child Protective Services drops by the hospital to pay Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon a visit. Miranda Lambert "harvests" some venison for her wedding. Arnold and Sly go out for lunch. Sunday gossip is just friends with Salman Rushdie, really.

The next time you're getting drunk in some bar — let's call it Boomer's — and a stranger suddenly offers to take you to the bank and help you open up a new account, maybe don't go with them. Yeah, just keep on drinking.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the head of the International Monetary Fund and an likely candidate for France's upcoming presidential elections, was arrested on Saturday and charged with attempted rape for allegedly sexually assaulting a cleaning woman at his hotel room.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee won't run for president! The Fox News host, who led in several polls released over the last few months, said it was a "spiritual decision," which we think means he used a Ouija board.

It's been a while since Saturday Night Live has aired "The Ambiguously Gay Duo"—its classic animated sketch about a couple of superheroes who may also be an actual couple—so when it appeared on screen during tonight's episode, many were pleasantly surprised. But then the sketch suddenly transformed into a live-action one—featuring appearances by Jimmy Fallon, Jon Hamm, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and host Ed Helms—and "pleasantly surprised" instantly became a huge understatement.

Earlier today, an estimated 125 million people watched Azerbaijan win the 56th Eurovision Song Contest, an Olympic-sized television extravaganza/singing competition across the pond. But don't worry if you missed it, because this so-bad-it's-good performance by the squad from Moldova is the only one worth watching.

According to another groundbreaking study, rejection doesn't merely wound your psyche, it actually physically hurts, man. And we're talking about a pain not unlike "dropping something on your toe or getting lemon juice in a papercut." [Jezebel]

Yesterday, a New York City hot dog vendor celebrated Friday the 13th—both the day and the horror film—by slashing up a rival vendor's face. Though "authentic," slashing your competitor isn't an effective marketing strategy in the long run.

Today marked a proud moment in the lives of graduating students and their families at Catholic University. Years of hard work and determination had finally paid off. And then John Boehner rolled in to deliver the commencement speech.

Self-described "math nerd" Hannah Surber, who is female, has earned a master's degree in aeronautical engineering. What? Aeronautical engineering is a "very challenging discipline, particularly for a female student," as a professor at her school astutely points out.

Most people who wait out the long, slow-moving line into the Sistine Chapel at the Vatican leave with an overwhelming feeling of inferiority, slumped over at the feet of the great Renaissance artist Michelangelo. Not this guy! Nope, a U.K. man named Robert Burns has this to say: "One day I saw some photos of the Vatican in Rome and thought, 'I could do that.' I never looked back."

Everyone knows that bedbugs are gross jerks that attack war veterans. But were you aware that they're also gassy? Luckily, you can use their flatulence against them thanks to an "exciting newly patented product" called the BBD-100.

While this is by no means a quantum leap for HIV treatment in humans, any AIDS progress is AIDS progress. Especially when the progress is in our furry monkey relatives, who are responding terrifically to a new AIDS vaccine. [Gizmodo]

This summer, as the remaining U.S. troops are pulled out of Iraq, we'll be taking some cultural icons with us: Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway and Cinnabon are leaving the country, too. That's right — not only will Iraqis be missing the sight of heavily armed foreign troops and the comforting buzz of Predator drones, but they'll no longer catch a whiff of an oven fresh Meat Lover's® pizza wafting over the concrete blast walls of their local Forward Operating Base. All of the restaurants are scheduled to be pulled out by year's end.

Poor little Tiny the lowland gorilla is dead after sustaining injuries caused during an attack by his surrogate father Kesho, who was apparently became "jealous" of the defenseless tot and started a fatal fight. Kesho is definitely on our "Worst Gorillas in the World" list today.

This is the end of National Etiquette Week. Did everyone use the right fork when they were at dinner last night? Glad to hear it. But there are still a few matters that we need to clear up.

Former singer Michel "Sweet Micky" Martelly was sworn in as Haiti's new president today in a ceremony where, unsurprisingly, the electricity cut out. Sweet Micky has a long road ahead of him.