The villainous Recording Industry Association of America, which loves to sue children for millions of dollars for downloading songs that deprived wealthy entertainers of a penny: what is their latest outrage? Pissing on the U.S. Constitution, naturally.

According to this RealClearPolitics.com headline, 'Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam,' and the accompanying story, Rick Perry is probably maybe putting out feelers for a possible 2012 run! It's a rumor that's been floated before. Please let this one be true:

Do you think Ronald McDonald is creepy? Same here. All clowns are creepy. Just don't try telling that to McDonald's executives, who say he is "a force for good" in this cruel, cruel world.

Remember the South Korean taxi driver who was found crucified — wearing only a crown of thorns and underwear, with a stab wound to his abdomen — in a quarry two weeks ago? Police say he crucified and killed himself without any help. Gruesome details from the AP:

After disappearing 19 days ago in Syria and being sent to Iran, missing Al Jazeera journalist Dorothy Parvaz was released and flown to Qatar today, where she is "safe and well" with her colleagues at the network.

The Russian authorities have announced they have in custody a fellow who ate an acquaintance's liver. With potatoes.

20,000 Oprah Winfrey zealots filled Chicago's United Center on Tuesday night for the taping of a two-part farewell spectacular that will air on May 23rd and 24th. It was billed as a "night of surprises," but, like Oprah, I hate surprises. So here's a list of everyone who showed up, as exhaustively docutweeted by The Hollywood Reporter:

This morning, Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a love child with a former household staffer, a secret he kept from the world for more than a decade. And despite his best efforts to avoid discussing the topic on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert couldn't help but be drawn in by the story's scintillating details.

Go ahead and drive your SUV to the plastic factory: The French have discovered the first habitable planet in another solar system. It's called Gliese 581d, and it's a mere 20 light years away. [Gizmodo]

On the same night he told Bill O'Reilly that he'd consider voting against President Obama in 2012, Jon Stewart took to The Daily Show this evening to comment on Donald Trump's now-defunct campaign. Naturally, Stewart and his team of joke writers are saddened at the prospect of a Trump-free campaign season, so he begged him to come back.

On Tuesday, former Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger acknowledged that he had fathered a child out of wedlock. There were scant details beyond a vague timeframe—"more than a decade ago"—and the occupation of the child's mother: "a longtime member of [the family's] household staff." But two tabloids have just identified the woman as Mildred "Patty" Baena, age 50, a former housekeeper at Schwarzenegger's Brentwood estate.

Following a mental health evaluation, accused rapist and International Monetary Fund head Dominique Strauss Kahn has been put on suicide watch at Rikers Island Prison. But don't worry, M. Strauss-Kahn! Hack economist/game show host Ben Stein is on your case!

On tonight's Factor, Bill O'Reilly aired his second interview with Jon Stewart in as many days. After having Stewart opine on the array of 2012 Republican candidates, O'Reilly asked him to grade President Obama. And guess what? Stewart's not completely sold on the commander-in-chief.

Haven't you always dreamed of seeing Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich awash in in the twinkling light of party glitter? Now you can, thanks to gay activist Robert Erickson, who glitter-bombed Gingrich at a Minneapolis book signing on Tuesday night.

A rash of inexplicable watermelon explosions has stricken melon farmers in eastern China. Experts are baffled! Is this the start of the coming apocalypse?

Hey guys! Can I have everyone's attention, please? Where's Heather? Does anyone know where Heather is? Well, can you go grab her? We've got a big announcement. Yes, that's right, we've decided to appoint an acting chief of Al Qaeda.

Today we told you about the man who just ate his 25,000th Big Mac. That's 50,000 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, and cheese on 75,000 sesame seed buns! One commenter asked why not changing is considered such a big accomplishment. Isn't this a bad thing?

In May of 2008, a man by the username of Leftventricle did a rather noble thing. He uploaded a video of an old but memorable commercial to YouTube. The commercial was the first in the series that would become the long running "Got Milk?" campaign. It was the one with the guy in the museum who fails to win $10,000 on a radio trivia contest because he lacked the proper amount of milk to wash out from his mouth the peanut butter sandwich he had been so enthusiastically eating. You remember it...

According to 2005 and 2006 disclosure forms filed by his then-congressional staffer wife, Newt Gingrich owed $250,000-$500,000 to a Tiffany's "revolving charge account." Is this relevant to his campaign? Yes! He'll have nice earrings on the trail.

Despite everything, the French are pretty happy with Mel Gibson right now. Also today: even more network TV news, this time from the CW, plus an update on prestige cabler AMC.