College professors hate when their students are distracted by laptops in class so much that it occasionally results in assault charges. Some professors have gone so far as to spy on their students to figure out what they're up to on their computers.

Looking for new ways to stymy your appetite? Try the FDA's Food Defect Action Levels Handbook, a great new diet book guide for food distributors and inspectors. It details exactly how many maggots a comestible good may contain before it gets banned for "aesthetic" reasons, i.e., "being too icky."

Nick Ayers is the campaign manager for Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty's bid to be the Republican presidential nominee in 2012. Five years ago, while running a campaign for Georgia's governor, he was stopped for drunk driving. [Jalopnik]

Debbie Georgatos doesn't release "campaign ads" in her quest for the leadership of Dallas County's Republican party. She releases films. Epic two-minuters that challenge our very perceptions of reality, with images: Little elephants flopping around while being blasted with hoses, Charlie Chaplin's surreal critiques of Fordist industrialism, wormholes and super-massive black holes, shattered Detroit buildings from Hell. All of this, and all backed by her meditations on Dallas County becoming a "super-massive blue hole," sans Republicans, until the end of time. This is basically Terrence Malick's new movie.

Scandalous news comes today that Johnny Depp, world-renowned Hat Person of the Year, has too many hats. It seems the National Enquirer (so here's your grain of salt) is reporting that Depp's long-time lover Vanessa Paradis has ordered him to get rid of some of the many, many hats he owns. There are too many hats!

Four 10th graders from St. Ann's—NYC private school to Brooklyn's brownstone elite—have been arrested for setting fire to a public school's playground, melting the slide. Class rage meter: 5%

We Americans are trying to face the important issues to this country, but the Obama campaign only seems interested in perpetuating Silly Season. These carnival barkers are now selling limited edition "Made in the USA" tee shirts featuring images of the president's birth certificate on the back.

Hellish linchpin of the world crap economy Wal-Mart has spent this entire year trying to lure Americans back into their low-priced honey trap. Yes, we know, you already buy everything at Wal-Mart, because it's cheap, and also because it put all the other stores out of business. But it's simply not enough.

I love making out. Everyone loves making out. Unless it's with your sister—that's gross! And illegal! But there's a lot more going on behind the scenes of a smooch than just spit-swapping: brain chemicals flow! Bacteria goes nuts! [Gizmodo]

Yes, there are some things in life that are apparently too exotic to ever covet: a golden ticket, an oompa-loompa, and three good episodes of Glee in a row. Last night's wasn't just a bad episode, it might have been the worst.

Air Force One pilots successfully completed a "missed approach" today as pilots were trying to land in Connecticut. The first landing attempt was aborted due to low visibility, but the second one worked just fine! Barack Obama has great pilots.

Botox Mom Kerry Campbell (who might not be "Kerry Campbell" at all, but a multi-named mystery chupacabra of indeterminate origin) has returned to The Sun, the publication where her insanity spree began, to apologize for shooting botulism into her 8-year-old daughter's face, then bragging about it on TV.

Alert: straight men are editing magazines—in Manhattan! At least three of them. It's enough to make a media reporter lose his mind, contemplating the trend possibilities. Are magazines ready for "dudes?" Masculine dudes?

According to reports, Sony's PlayStation Network password reset system—the one just put in place after the PSN hack—has been compromised, allowing hackers to change a PSN password if they know your email and date of birth. [Kotaku]

International man of idiocy (and occasionally brilliant filmmaking) Lars von Trier is at Cannes promoting his new movie Melancholia, and at a recent press conference the Danish director went off the rails with a weird diatribe about his Nazi sympathies.

Sure, it's a thinly-veiled promo for disaster preparedness, but we can't help but be comforted by the CDC's blog post "Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse." Turns out they know exactly what to do in the likely event of a zombie invasion.

As the gossip hurricane rages on, Maria Shriver stands brave and resolute with her friend Oprah. Meanwhile, the Grammers are having a custody dispute, a Tiger Woods mistress is telling stories, and Kirk Cameron is not Stephen Hawking.

This stage mom is always trying to make a buck off her famous daughter, including selling racy photos of her. This Cannes juror is spending too much time partying. And this big name actor is Scientology's most recent victim. Damn, why couldn't he just have had a naked photo scandal?

A lengthy, in-depth report on the child sexual abuse scandals of the Catholic Church—a report paid for primarily by the Catholic Church—has found that it wasn't the whole "celibate, sexually frustrated men in close proximity to vulnerable children" thing that caused all the molestation. It was hippies.

Gawker staff writer Maureen O'Connor appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today! Check out the clip above. For media requests, please contact Kevin Prince at kevin@gawker.com.