Melanoma cure! Cancer treatment! Expensive drugs! Flaxseed fail! Risky gays! Wrinkle bones! Smoking bans! Swiss prostitution! And ER hang-out shocker! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pusillanimously!

Just shortly after declaring bean sprouts from an organic farm in Germany the cause of an E. coli outbreak in Europe that has killed 22 and sickened thousands, health officials have now backpedaled.

Who is the one person allowed to stand up to corporate diva Steve Jobs and criticize the Apple CEO to his face? That would, of course, be musical diva Lady Gaga, who recently talked a little trash at Apple headquarters.

Every time Sen. Rick Santorum mentions his presidential run, something ominous happens. This morning, a balloon spontaneously exploded while Santorum was yammering about his plan for Medicare. Then, while announcing his candidacy this afternoon, an onlooker collapsed a couple feet away from Santorum's podium. Next, Rick Santorum will summon plagues of locust and lice to announce how he will deal with the debt ceiling. [ABC News]

Ever wonder what a hula hoop sees while it winds around and around its undulating subject? Well wonder no more! Someone attached a camera to the semi-ironic-totally-nostalgic fauxhemian toy of the moment and filmed the results. It's actually a very cool and interesting shot that might give you quite a bit of vertigo. Does this mean the Greenpoint set will be moving on to yo-yos any day now? [BuzzFeed]

We asked for your most shocking tales from summer employment, and boy did you all deliver. While there were plenty of stories that were amazing (and sad and gross and scary), there was only one that was good enough to be the winner.

In a tearful statement to the media, Rep. Anthony Weiner this afternoon admitted he posted a picture of his own dick to Twitter. Not only that, he says he's engaged in "inappropriate" online communications with at least six other women.

Anthony Weiner was scheduled to hold a press conference at 4pm to address Weinergate. Well, four o'clock came around and Weiner didn't show up. But Andrew Breitbart, whose Big Government website first published the original Weinergate photo, did.

The flatfoots at Politico have finally discovered the missing bodies of Newt and Cally Gingrich, somewhere off the rocky shores of Greece and Turkey. The two are still alive, which makes sense, since all they're doing is taking a luxury cruise.

Here's a trailer for The Vow, a Nicholas Sparksian drama that, shockingly, Nicholas Sparks had nothing to do with. The film is actually based on the true story of a woman with amnesia struggling to learn to love her husband again.

U.S. Senators have called on the Feds to crack down on the anonymous drug marketplace Silk Road. But Silk Road isn't going down without a fight.

Just when you thought you were immune to the Susan Boyles of the world, along comes Korea's Got Talent's Sung-Bong Choi. With downcast eyes, 22-year-old Choi says he was abandoned at the age of three, then ran away from his orphanage at the age five and lived as a street kid for the next ten years, peddling chewing gum and sleeping outside public restrooms "like a dayfly." Now he's a manual laborer with a penchant for Italian opera. Here he is performing his debut aria, while every single female in the audience sobs uncontrollably.

Apple's iCloud has emerged from the shadows, providing wireless backup and syncing for your apps, songs, documents, books, photos, videos, calendars and contacts. Best of all, it's free. Here's a few of iCloud's more notable features. [Gizmodo]

Roger Ailes, the totally paranoid chairman of Fox News, called up Newsweek/The Daily Beast's Howard Kurtz over the weekend to fight back against some of the bad press he's seen over the last couple weeks. Kurtz dutifully wrote down the things Ailes said irrespective of their truth value, and then published them online.

In your sunny Monday media column: Bill Keller talks mistakes, Paul Begala's new gig, HuffPo is still hiring, Glamour's flagging sales, and Jeff Zucker thinks Katie Couric is boring at night.

The documentary about herself that Sarah Palin secretly commissioned, The Undefeated — a.k.a. Triumph of the Grift — will debut in Iowa at some point later this month. And some lucky film connoisseurs, mostly all for conservative publications, have already viewed advance copies! So does it give Errol Morris a run for his money, or is it undiluted shite? Critics are torn.

Here's a new picture of a bare-chested Anthony Weiner, which a young woman says he emailed her on May 20, 2011. If you look closely, you can see Weiner and his wife, Huma Abedin, cuddling in a picture in the background. You can also see Weiner with Bill Clinton in the picture over his left shoulder. If only Weiner had caught Clinton's stare in the mirror's reflection—he may have reconsidered what he was about to do!

Last night was the season finale of American Sun Fart, and boy was it a doozy. A corker! A real ho-down showdown. Tears were shed, insults were hurled, and drinks were thrown into people's big stupid faces. Let's recap!

Right-wingers have long been fascinated by Ayn Rand, the mid-century pop philosopher who defined moral behavior as doing whatever will make you, the individual, happy, and opposed any government intervention in the economy or charitable giving. Based on her economic beliefs, you can understand why, for example, Rep. Paul Ryan makes each of his staff members read her most famous novel Atlas Shrugged. But shouldn't it bother some of these right-wingers that she was, to use their own language, a "radical atheist," too?

Apple has turned a routine refresh of Steve Jobs' obituary into an occasion for a full blown media war, asking Jobs' associates to stonewall the Associated Press and allowing it to be known that they are "furious" about commonplace journalism.