Before suspected murderer and confirmed creep Joran van der Sloot allegedly killed 21-year-old Stephany Flores in Peru last year, he was tapped out from gambling and considered selling his services for some quick cash. The mad Dutchman was racking up debts with a hotel and "others," according to the National Enquirer. Things got so bad for van der Sloot that he allegedly wrote to a friend, "I'm in such a serious situation that I would prostitute myself in return for help."

There are so many legal ways to impress your lady, like producing funny sitcoms or taking her to P.F. Chang's. Moving her family into a stranger's "multimillion dollar" vacation home that you've broken into is not one of these ways, as young Todd Blauvelt now probably realizes.

Unlike colleague Jon Stewart, who ignored the release of Anthony Weiner's cock shot on tonight's Daily Show, Stephen Colbert took to the Report this evening with a segment about the congressman's member and his apparent affinity for manscaping: "That's not just grooming. That's a scorched earth policy that's going on there."

The taboo against talking on your phone during movies is at this point about as socially established as our rules against eating each other alive, socks with sandals, or marrying our parents. But what about movie texting? Let's explore. [Gizmodo]

Ah, spring! When a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of licking his dominatrix's boots in McCarren Park. A videographer at Brooklyn's hippest park caught the lovebirds—and the nonreaction of their neighbors—and uploaded it to (what else?) the "Animals & Pets" section of YouTube. Obviously, we've got copious video evidence that the New York City subway system is the most fun in the entire country. But did you know that city parks are similarly, uh, stimulating? [via Runnin' Scared/Village Voice]

A photo of Anthony Weiner's cock surfaced earlier today and we learned that his wife is pregnant. With two big developments like that, surely Jon Stewart would cover them on The Daily Show, right? Nope! Instead, Stewart decided to open with a segment about the economy, and then—as you'll see in the above video—focus on the dirty Daily Show-related Facebook messages that Weiner exchanged with Vegas blackjack dealer Lisa Weiss.

Another day, another Weiner cybergirlfriend. Meet Traci Nobles of Athens, Ga., whose roommate, against Nobles' wishes, emailed journalists "a private [Facebook] conversation between Weiner and Nobles." (It's more flirty than sexy). Nobles wouldn't provide more information. [LVS]

What would you do if a man holding a dead weasel burst into your apartment? By all accounts, one resident of Hoquiam, Wash. played it cool when confronted with that very problem:

The moment has arrived: Congressman Anthony Weiner's naked penis picture has gone public. But how does it rank in the great history of dong shots? Resident genital experts Maureen O'Connor and Brian Moylan give their reviews of some famous celebrity dick pics.

Worried your computer repairman is a pervert? Here's a handy guide: If the software he installs suggests that take your laptop to the bathroom when you shower, he's probably using remote-controlled software to take pictures of you naked.

Two new man-made elements have been added to the periodic table after winning reality show Top Element. Elements 114 and 116, both originally formed in Moscow in 2004 and 2006, beat out would-be elements 113, 115 and audience favorite 118, all three of which were rejected by the international judges' panel after weeks of grueling, dramatic competition between the extremely unstable substances. The two newcomers will be the heaviest elements on the periodic table (their names refer to the number of protons in their nuclei) and have been awarded a record contract with Island/Def Jam. [WSJ]

You don't usually remember the stumbles you take when drunk—in fact, usually, you have to reconstruct them the next day, based on a makeshift forensic analysis of cuts and bruises. But thanks to London's commitment to violating basic privacy rights through the use of an extensive network of security cameras, this as-yet unidentified gentleman shouldn't have a problem figuring out how, exactly, he got that huge gash on his head. (From flipping over a bannister.) [The Sun]

Today we learned that the real reason Emma Watson, brainiac wizardess, dropped out of Brown University was because she couldn't get a date. (Or something.) "Huh???" we all wondered. Beautiful, smart, charming her? Yeah, apparently. But why? Why c/wouldn't she date? One commenter speculated.

Mary Wycherly is a photographer and former indie rocker. Her husband, Martin Carr, is a songwriter and former frontman of shoegaze band the Boo Radleys. Mary recently gave birth to daughter Sailor. As @marytwocats, she tweeted throughout:

For ultimate proof of Steve Jobs' salesmanship, look not to the Apple CEO's keynotes, but to this one-minute presentation of a new Apple headquarters to the Cupertino City Council. It will make you consider buying an actual office park.

A new study from Australia's La Trobe University has found that there is a connection between caffeine and auditory hallucinations. That is, drinking coffee, you might hear weird things.

Here's why Huma Abedin, the digitally cuckolded wife of Anthony Weiner, has kept a low profile in the wake of her husband's humiliation and quietly signaled that their marriage will survive: She's in a family way.

A whopping 16.4 million people watched Oprah's final episode, besting even the prime-time competition for the week, but her highest-rated show remains "Why I Love Older Women" from 1993. And that, ladies and gentlemen, will be her legacy.

Bad news for Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and idiot Republican candidates on the campaign trail who have nothing better to talk about: They'll no longer be able to scare listeners with the prospect of Democrats reviving the Fairness Doctrine! Because FCC chair Julius Genachowski has agreed to take the dated, unenforced rule out of its books, once and for all.

Midtown nightlife hellhole Lavo has become known for their celebrity bottle service and hard-partying weekend brunches. Now it's taking the tackiness to a whole new level: "Bikini Brunch". Yes, female patrons will be encouraged to wear the skimpiest item in their wardrobe while eating their omelets.