There has never been a time when crazy shit wasn't happening on New York City subways; but what with all the cell phone cameras and salivating blog vultures out there now, videos of crazy shit happening on New York City subways are rapidly becoming the must-have accessory of the summer season.

In London today, Amy Winehouse's family is holding her funeral. Here an America, Amy Winehouse is being decried by flacks.

94-year-old Australian Phyllis Johnson was attacked by a rampaging, psycho "Big Red" kangaroo while she was hanging laundry in her backyard on Sunday. Johnson told the Courier-Mail that she "bashed it on the head but it kept going for me," and she was only saved when cops showed up and pepper sprayed its ass. Then her son, who clearly underestimated his badass mother, wanted her to go to the hospital:

Just when you thought it was safe to venture out into the once poop-infested waters around New York, the city's Health Department yesterday closed four beaches — three on Staten Island and one in Brooklyn — "based on review of both water flow through the harbor and evaluation of actual water samples taken in the harbor and at the shoreline." In other words, if you've been swimming anywhere between the Verrazano and George Washington bridges, well, you get the picture.

The criminal enterprise formerly known at Blackwater USA, Xe Services, is perhaps best known for murdering civilians and ripping America off for hundreds of millions of dollars and getting away with it. Now, after rebranding itself as a "peacekeeping and humanitarian" force (ha), the company is moving up to the D.C. area to kiss some ass and win some contracts. According to the AP: "Xe Services says 20 people will move from Moyock, N.C., to Arlington to foster relationships with customers in and around Washington." Oh God.

The Telegraph today reports that beer sales in Britain have dropped 9.8 percent between April and June of this year, and the same time last year. That's the biggest dip in sales in 14 years. So, why are beer sales plummeting? The paper assigns blame to the outrageous taxes imposed on brewers, a 35.4 percent rise in duties since March 2008, but it failed to include another factor — cocaine has never been cheaper!

It's a terrible time to be a News Corp.-owned UK tabloid, but a pretty sweet time if you happen to be the competition. Case in point: The Daily Mail & General Trust newspaper group is feasting on a schadenfreude smorgasbord over Rupe's recent troubles. CEO Martin Morgan was still picking the gristle from his teeth at a press conference today in which he touted the completely above-board means by which his journalists overturn garbage cans obtain their stories:

Remember that couple who had sex in broad daylight in a public pool in Indiana, in plain view of dozens of witnesses, including children? Well, adult swim is officially over. Their days of playing chicken are long behind them. No one will be doggie-paddling in anyone's deep end from this moment on.

On tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert tackled those recent Summer's Eve ads featuring talking vaginas of various ethnic backgrounds. Colbert's biggest gripe was that there aren't any equally disempowering ads for male genitals. So he made one himself. Video of the segment is above.

It's impossible to wrap one's head around the awfulness to befall Norway this week, so one New Zealand newscast turned to a Kiwi expat who was near the site of the Oslo bombing for an eyewitness account. Unfortunately, however, that's all just a pretense for Cameron Leslie to share what's really been on his mind over the past few days: his totally killer workout!

Yesterday, News 12 Long Island reporter Christine Insinga visited the home of a woman accused of locking her 13-month-old daughter in the backseat of a sweltering Mercedes. But instead of a simple "no comment" from the woman who answered the door, Insinga was instead treated to a face full of flying water. Which is funny, because that's exactly what the little girl could have used when she was locked inside a car in 100 degree heat. [via TVSpy]

Gay-hating presidential aspirant Michele Bachmann represents a district of Minnesota which public health officials have labeled a "suicide contagion area," according to a deeply disturbing piece in Mother Jones. Here's why: In the space of two years, nine teenagers from the area have taken their own lives—the most recent one in May—while "many more" have attempted suicide unsuccessfully. Most of them were known or perceived to be LGBT youth.

Last night, Cincinnati's Fox affiliate, WXIX, debuted Queen City, a reality show about four boring single women and their boring struggle to balance their boring lives in a boring southern Ohio city. If you've ever wondered whether Bravo was going to expand its Real Housewives franchise to Cinci, check out the show's premiere episode above and you'll see why that won't be happening anytime soon.

Whether you're looking to get a head start on a Halloween costume, planning a neighborhood effigy burning, into weird, ripped-from-the-headlines sex games, or just want to scare the crap out of your delinquent kid, this is the Casey Anthony mask for you. According to the eBay listing, the "Tot Mom" mask is one of only nine in existence — so get to bidding, sickies! (Makes a great companion piece with this equally accurate Nancy Grace mask.) [eBay]

Hello, Big Lebowski obsessives! Are you feeling unsatisfied with merely dressing up like your favorite characters from the Coen brothers' stoner-noir classic and attending conventions? Why not go a step further and live in the Dude's house? It's for sale!

Marijuana is an odd drug! Sometimes when you're stoned you fall asleep in the middle of taking a bite of a cookie. And then sometimes you steal an ambulance from outside a house fire at 4 a.m. and drive across your neighbors' lawns.

The stalemate between congressional Republicans and Democrats over raising the nation's debt ceiling has gotten so bad that President Obama addressed the nation tonight in an attempt to publicly shame them into reaching a deal. And on tonight's Daily Show, Jon Stewart angrily piled on Obama's message with an anti-Congress rant of his own. Video of the segment is above.

"I didn't sign up for going mano-a-mano with the President of the United States" — Speaker of the House John Boehner (R - Ohio), overheard by CBS News' Jill Jackson as he left the Capitol building following tonight's televised address.

Do you recognize this guy? If so, you should give the Utah County Sheriff's Office a call at a 801-851-4202. They've had him in jail for a month now and he won't tell anyone who he is.

A South African man spent about 24 hours in a morgue this weekend. Not, like, hanging out! No, as a dead body.