A Business Improvement District in the Bronx has cancelled its annual Christmas tree lighting ceremony because they used their budget to hire a security guard to shoo away homeless people, instead. Merry Christmas.

In a landmark ruling today, the Belfast High Court decided that Northern Ireland’s abortion law is “incompatible with human rights.” Currently, abortion is only legal in cases where the life of the mother is threatened or where there is a “permanent or serious risk to her well-being,” and hospital employees can face life in prison if they are caught providing abortions under any other circumstances.

After more than a week of defending himself to 9/11 truthers, Donald Trump today clarified why there’s absolutely no evidence to corroborate the rooftop parties he “saw with his own eyes”: The ancient technology of 2001.

Prosecutors allege that, in January, Thomas Gilbert shot and killed his hedge-fund manager father—reportedly over a drop in his allowance—and tried to make it look like a suicide. At a hearing in State Supreme Court this month, his defense argued that Gilbert is not fit to stand trial.

After being alerted by the FBI to a threat of gun violence posted online, the University of Chicago has canceled Monday classes on its main campus, the Associated Press reports. “It was pretty specific in terms of time and place,” university spokesman Jeremy Manier said in a statement.

Actual buffoon Donald Trump has decided to cancel a planned political ambush of “as many as 100 black evangelical religious leaders” when many of those leaders caught wind of his plan, reports the Associated Press.

Michael McCaul, chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, does not think the deadly attack Friday at a Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood qualifies as terrorism: “I don’t think it would fall under quite the definition of domestic terrorism, although I’ll leave that to the Justice Department to make that determination.”

Ted Cruz, a gnarly gourd slowly depressing a fully inflated whoopee cushion, has an alternate theory about the Planned Parenthood shooter, reports the Texas Tribune.

A waitress at a Waffle House in Biloxi, Mississippi, was shot in the head early Friday morning, the Sun Ledger reports, after she asked a customer to put out his cigarette.

Chris Christie’s presidential campaign took another tough blow today via an endorsement from a newspaper that hasn’t picked a winner in this century.

The New York Post continues its vigorous defense of All Cops Everywhere from the extremely rude Quentin Tarantino, reporting today that the director never actually spent any time in jail, despite repeated claims over many years that he spent at least 8 days in Los Angeles County lockup for traffic tickets.

Lawyers for the family of Tamir Rice, the 12-year-old boy Cleveland police shot and killed last year, shared two outside reports Saturday that found the shooting to have been “unreasonable.” These new reports are at odds with three previously released by prosecutors that found the incident to have been “tragic” but “reasonable.”

“Piercing screaming and shouts of ‘I’m going to kill you’ prompted Australian police to rush to a Sydney home at 2am, only to find an embarrassed man and a large spider.”

You know, the thing about precocious kids is, they’re awful.

In an interview Sunday on CBS’ “Face the Nation,” helpless duckling and presidential candidate John Ellis “JEB!” Bush said that, while the idea of frontrunner Donald Trump recieving the Republican nomination is “kind of scary,” he would support Trump, “because anybody is better than Hillary Clinton.”

Behold, a holiday miracle: Democrats and Republicans can be agree! Donald Trump, a man as unifying as he is orange, has given us all a reason to get along.

After what was likely a heated debate around the editorial desk, The New York Times decided to rework a story that described Robert Lewis Dear, the man who killed three people and wounded nine others at a Planned Parenthood clinic on Friday, as “gentle.”

Kristin Cavallari has previously alleged that the various peep toe pumps and fringed booties she’s designed for Chinese Laundry are “staples.” Those heels are not the only items Kristin thinks a gal should have in her closet, however. In a new post on the Official Kristin Cavallari App for iPhone and Android, she revealed:

Donald Trump, orange-tufted sentient troll doll, is just going to “play cool” until we all get over his big fat lie about 9/11.

Paris is once again in tumult on the eve of the COP21 climate summit, a series of negotiations that activists hope will achieve significant strides where past gatherings have failed.