Former Dior designer John Galliano, who was tried in Paris for two incidents at the same bar where he called people "dirty Jews," was found guilty of hate speech. His only punishment seems to be losing his job, besmirching his name, and being ridiculed in the press.

This former American Idol hates his complexion. This supposedly sober famous father was drinking again, and a race car driver and a pro wrestler are having an affair. Wow, that last one is really going to rock a certain segment of the population.

Perhaps you thought your freshman year would be one long debauchery festival featuring a few term papers here and there interspersed with copious amounts of alcohol, marijuana, ecstasy, hashish, hash oil, opium, ketamine, cocaine, GHB, DMT, DXM, LSD, salvia, amphetamine, methamphetamine, nitrous oxide, ayahuasca, ibogaine, peyote, and various distillations of regional hallucinogenic plants.

Prosecutors in The Hague are bringing up stalking charges against a 42-year-old Dutch woman because she apparently called her poor, beleaguered ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in one year. 65,000! That's a lot of phone calls!

Puerto Rico! The island that just won't become our 51st state, no matter how much we bat our eyelashes. Still, as a U.S. territory, Puerto Rico has the right to have a police force just as brutal and corrupt as any in the USA.

Norwegian terrorist Anders Behring Breivik — a big fan of wetsuits, hazmat suits and Lacoste sweaters — has enraged iconic French fashion brand Lacoste by mentioning the company in his manifesto and wearing it repeatedly outside of jail. In fact, the unwanted attention is getting so bad that the company has written to Norwegian authorities to ask that they stop letting Breivik wear Lacoste. From the Telegraph:

Noted Islamophobe Allen West must not own a television or a computer. Yesterday, West was stirring up one of 2010's dumbest controversies at an anti-Ground Zero Mosque meet-and-greet in DC, where he remarked, "We must never let events like Pearl Harbor or 9/11 go away. We must never forget the things that happened on those two days..." Call me crazy, but I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon.

Resilient crazy person Muammar Qaddafi — despite claims from Libya's transitional forces and just about everyone else that he's cornered in the Sahara, or in hiding in Niger, or sipping cocktails with Robert Mugabe — released a new audio message today to Al-Rai TV and (predictably) it's delusional:

2011 was probably the lamest summer in recent history, due in no small part to the seemingly endless barrage of "position crazes" (I really don't know what else to call them) to wind their way down the internets. First there was planking. Then there was owling. Cone-ing. Pillaring. Hawking. Carmageddoning. Horsemaning. Backlashing. Chenning. And now, Batmanning, which was allegedly thought up by the Purdue students in the above video, and not some Warner Bros. viral marketing department. Right. Either way, it's about as cool as rubber nipples on a Robin suit. Next up, Rodining (recreating The Thinker on the john), Regising (perching on a high chair and staring off in befuddlement) and Bachmanning (pleasuring oneself with a hairbrush handle). Get out there and snap those crazy pics, kids!

Think of it as Thelma & Louise 2: F2M. Two employees of a Phoenix Wal-Mart are in police custody after having robbed the store of $45,000. Half of the money was spent on a getaway car; the other half was set aside so that one of them could have surgery to become a man.

Sarah Jessica Parker visited tonight's Late Show to chat with David Letterman and promote her new film, I Don't Know What She's Talking About. Oh wait, that's not the title of her movie, it's my reaction to the interview. Because what the hell?

The great Texas Governor Rick Perry has smartly aligned himself with Galileo Galilei, that Renaissance maverick who famously took on the scourge known as "the scientific community." And we could surely use Galileo's science-debunking savvy now more than ever, huh, Rick? What with Dr. Alun Hubbard — who purports to be a "leading glaciologist" (whatever THAT is) — claiming that Greenland's Petermann Glacier has all but melted away faster than anyone could ever have predicted.

On tonight's Report, Robin Wright (the journalist/author, not the Sean Penn ex-wife) stopped by for an interview with Stephen Colbert about her new book, Rock the Casbah, which argues that the recent Middle East uprisings prove the United States' post-9/11 policy of "gunboat diplomacy" was both misguided and ineffective. And in a rare instance of earnestness—mixed in with his requisite schtick, of course—Colbert repeatedly challenged Wright's arguments. Here's a video of the interview's more combative moments.

A man in Mexico City apparently kept his girlfriend's two daughters as sex slaves for seven years, fathering five children before killing one of the girls and her daughter. He also used his stepson as a slave, forcing him to collect scraps for recycling and beating him if he returned empty handed.

The next time you frequent an exotic cabaret, you may want to insist your evening's entertainment produce an official stripper's license — for there are impostors afoot! Such was the case at Baby Dolls, a fine gentlemen's establishment in Clearwater, Florida, where 25-year-old Natalie M. Behnke — described by the St. Petersburg Times as a "local transient" and "habitual juvenile offender" — was arrested on Tuesday night after putting on an unsolicited show of her own.

President Obama hasn't even given his big jobs speech yet, but that didn't stop Mitt Romney from declaring it a failure—and unveiling his own 160-page economic plan—during a rambling speech in Las Vegas today. The only thing more obvious than the impracticality of Romney's proposals was how desperate he is to be elected. Or as Jon Stewart put it on tonight's Daily Show: "You want to be President so bad, Al Gore can taste it."

Be honest: If you had a green marker, and you saw the weird-looking car-mounted camera used to take pictures for Google Maps Street View, what would you do? I'm thinking, you would probably not write out a situationist slogan. No, you would probably draw a dick, like the unidentified Australian prankster whose work will forever grace the Google Maps Street View of "Sparrowhawk Road" in "Maiden Gully," Victoria. What is it with the Antipodes and their quest to put as many crudely-drawn dicks as possible on Google Maps? [Google Maps via BuzzFeed]

Reese Witherspoon is recovering from "minor injuries" after being hit by a car in Santa Monica. The driver was the elephant from Water for Elephants. Kidding! It was an 84-year-old woman who was cited for failure to yield. [KTLA]

The bizarre conflict that developed at AOL over Labor Day weekend—over the role of Mike Arrington, the outspoken founder of tech blog TechCrunch, and the AOL-backed CrunchFund venture capital vehicle—seems to have come to a dramatic (if unsurprising) conclusion: With Arrington's departure from AOL.

How badly did Gumby screw up his attempted robbery of a San Diego 7-11? Well, really badly: Not only did he not, in fact, steal anything, he actually gave money to the clerk.