XOJane.com blogger Cat Marnell attempted to write a column about Plan B today. Instead, she ended up with a bizarre 1000-word treatise on why she never uses birth control or condoms, just the morning-after pill, even though she thinks it's murder:

"Can God take a joke?" That is the rhetorical question posed by USA Today, the newspaper with the most direct link to angels of any major media outlet. The answer? "Absolutely!" (Also according to USA Today.)

It's rare that you come across an article and, upon reading it, wonder to yourself "Is this the most horrifying thing ever written?" But occasionally there are things like this, an article on Fox News' website bearing the title "New Crop of Comediennes Combine Funny Bones With Banging Bodies." Terrific!

I really didn't want to like Revenge, ABC's new sudsy drama about a young woman trying to right the wrongs done to her family. I mean, there were all those awful ads (including some on this site) with Emily VanCamp standing in a pile of thorns. It just looked so schlocky! Was I ever wrong.

Who would donate to the Barack Obama reelection campaign now, when everyone hates politics and life and he's not even in a difficult primary or anything? Apparently plenty of people would! He raised $42.8 million during the third quarter for his campaign committee, and another $27.3 million for the national party.

It's good to stir up the mind-meltingly boring world of tech news. Which is why we enjoyed today's Wall Street Journal article, suggesting an impending tech start-up die-off. The cold breath of death on their neck has raised tech insiders' hackles.

Alice Walton, billionaire daughter of Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton, was arrested for DWI on the night of her 62nd birthday in Mineral Wells, Texas. Last time she got a DWI, Alice screamed, "I'm Alice Walton, bitch!" No such outbursts this time. That we know of. Yet.

Former hedge fund heavyweight Raj Rajaratnam will do a dime and change in federal prison for his insider trading conviction.

Hugh Jackman held a woman in his arms, and it made him pee. Whitney Houston throw a tantrum on an airplane. Hilary Swank "deeply regrets" war criminal fete. Ashton worries about ratings. Thursday gossip is all wet.

Following the U.S. Army's establishment of a wuss workout program and, more broadly, the year-long erosion of American masculinity, it's little wonder that our nation's fighting forces are now more concerned with eyebrow grooming than with removing the digits of enemy soldiers to bring home as souvenirs. Is America's metrosexual Army going to be able to endure the harsh skin-drying effects of the Middle Eastern climate?

The following email just went out to New York Times newsroom staffers. These are the first buyout offers the paper's put out since the real depths of the recession in 2009. "Voluntary," yes. But not a good sign.

Every time someone asked Bethenny Frankel if she sold her Skinnygirl Cocktails for $120 million, she just smiled and said, "I can't say." Well, Beam Inc., which bought her company, had to say in an SEC filing. Turns out it only paid $8 million for her business.

This TV gabber employs hookers around the world. This Hollywood husband is cheating (who isn't?). And this famous wife was investigating her husband because she thought he was January Jones' babydaddy. He may not be, but she found even more secrets.

For the past two years, fewer and fewer Americans have been shopping at Wal-Mart. Historians know this as the "National Wising Up" period. Alas, Wal-Mart is now luring us back in. What is wrong with us?

Community college student Marc Bechtol says he was pulled out of class and then banned from campus all because he disparaged his school's stupid branded debit cards on his Facebook. Marc Bechtol deserves a failing grade in Campus Brand Ambassadorship 101, otherwise known as An Introduction to Selling Out.

Holly Van Voast (pictured, center) is a woman with a bold name and an equally bold cause: breasts, breasts, breasts. Holly Van Voast's breasts, specifically. In public! In a courtroom! Breasts everywhere, for all!

What was supposed to be an enjoyable sexual experience for a California woman and her boyfriend turned into a bloody, painful horror show that involved the untimely death of several innocent maxi pads and required a trip to the hospital. The alleged source of all this violence and anguish: a vengeful vibrator.

Zimbabwean Authorities have arrested three women for allegedly committing at least a dozen "ritualistic sex attacks" on male hitchhikers over a two-year period. For their rituals, the women reportedly collected used condoms and stashed them in "the boot of a car." Don't they have a Container Store in Zimbabwe?

Republican Florida state Rep. Brad Drake entered a Waffle House and emerged a man with ideas. Bold ideas, about breakfast. But also some ideas on how to kill Florida's death row inmates with firing squads. Regular Florida folks might be tapped to help shoot some of these condemned critters, because government employees shouldn't have all the fun.

Earlier this month we told you about the man in Italy who stood up during mass and gouged out his eyes right there in front of all his fellow worshipers. Then last weekend, a bull gored Spanish bullfighter Juan Jose Padilla through the face and the eye and rendered Padilla blind in that eye.