The head of the TSA told the Senate Homeland Security Committee that airport screeners find an average of five guns per day packed in travelers' luggage.

One day, years from now, Jennifer Christine Harris will scroll back to this week on her Facebook Timeline and regret everything she sees. (She'll also be, like, "I still don't get the point of Facebook Timeline. The interface is so confusing and the pictures are way too big!") The Des Moines native was arrested for having allegedly set fire to the home of Nikki Rasmussen, an old friend, while Nikki and her husband Jim were fast asleep. The person Jim instantly suspected was Harris, with whom his wife was having an ongoing dispute. It had played out on the pages of Facebook.

After spending last week on Broadway, South Park moved downtown tonight with an episode satirizing Occupy Wall Street. After failing a fitness test that brought down 99% of the class, one-percenter Cartman tried to save his stuffed animals from the crowd's misplaced anger as the disenfranchised masses occupied the parking lot outside a Red Robin. You can see how it all ends in the highlight reel above.

Here's a plan that should offer foolproof results: Shorter University, a Christian Baptist institute of higher learning in Rome (Georgia, not Italy, but same difference, really) has sent all 200 of its employees a "personal lifestyle pledge." The pledge promises that the signee will refrain from all acts of homosexuality — as well as lesser transgressions like adultery, premarital sex, doing drugs, and drinking in the presence of students — but mainly homosexuality.

Here's a delicious template for peace in the Middle East: Coney Island Bialys and Bagels — at 91, the oldest bialy shop in New York City — was on the brink of shutting down after the founder's grandson had called it quits. But the bialys will live on, thanks to two Muslim businessmen harboring a deep fondness for the ways of the shmear.

Even though the cost of having a pet in the U.S. is skyrocketing, Americans aren't abandoning their cute little companions. In fact, many pets are now living more comfortably than unemployed humans and on tonight's Report, Stephen Colbert proposed a pretty unique solution to the financial problems plaguing so many Americans: If you can't beat the pets, be the pets.

When Jon Stewart covered Herman Cain's sexual harassment scandal on Monday's Daily Show, the story was in its infancy. As media coverage of the allegations spread, so did the number of inconsistencies in Cain's story, and tonight Stewart took a look at the GOP presidential candidate's ever-evolving statements on the scandal.

Here's William Adams, the Texas court-at-law judge who was filmed beating his 16-year-old daughter with a belt, giving an interview to Corpus Christi's KZTV. Think he could come off any less sympathetic after the abuse video? Think again.

Here's the trailer for 21 Jump Street, the latest in a long line of incredibly good, successful, award-winning, hilarious, and terrific movies that take beloved (or at least, well-remembered, in a fond if kind of vague way) old dramatic television shows and turn them into comedies involving vomit jokes. It stars skinny Jonah Hill!

Who leaked the Herman Cain sexual harassment allegations? isn't just Encyclopedia Brown's worst book—it's also a question that incredibly annoying people are asking, right now! Cain's living-comedy-skit campaign manager Mark Block was just on Fox News accusing the Perry campaign, in his characteristic "intense neighbor reads demands to police while keeping family hostage" way. (See above video.) Yet the Perry campaign denies Block's accusations, and suggests that the Romney campaign is the true culprit. A shocking twist! Cut to commercial! But, okay, who's the real culprit? Why not Herman Cain himself? After all, the allegations launched the guy into his biggest 24-hour fundraising stretch. So, him or Bugs Meany. [Fox News, CBS]

What's hotter than a habenero pepper stuffed with chopped jalapeño? The hot time Gawker commenters have live-blogging Top Chef together! A new Texas-themed season kicks off tonight, so why not saddle up and join us in the comments?

Today we learned that Julian Assange, everyone's favorite long-haired leaker, was denied appeal against extradition to Sweden. This is very bad news for Julian because it is in Sweden that he faces those sexual assault charges he's been trying to wriggle and writhe his way out of. One commenter eloquently captured his life in a single stanza.

A handful of anarchists besieged an Oakland Whole Foods a few minutes ago, after false rumors circulated that managers had threatened employees with termination if they participated in today's Occupy Oakland general strike. Whole Foods hasn't seen such strife since the Great Kombucha Shortage of 2010!

Technology might be democratizing information, but it hasn't ended the power of old money. Witness David Tisch, who jumped into tech investing with remarkably little experience under his belt. You might think his young, moneyed start had something to do with the $70 billion family business his grandfather built, but no! Tisch made his seed capital "from life." Listen and learn.

Hey, look, essayist and This American Life contributor Jon Ronson made a documentary about Rebecca Black and "Friday." It's actually really fun, with a funny cameo from Benni Cinkle aka That Girl In Pink.

Seven years (almost eight, at this point) after Janet Jackson's intentional "wardrobe malfunction" at the Super Bowl and the $550,000 fine leveled against CBS is still being argued in court. Just today an appeals court in Philly threw out the case. Now it might be headed back to the Supreme Court.

It's make or break time. Metastasizing corporate basketcase Groupon is going public Friday. Are stock investors crazy enough to value the unprofitable company at $11 billion?

Having apparently let up on her well-meaning but not entirely thought out campaign to make bullying illegal (More jailtime for juvenile delinquents? In place of hate crime statutes, or in addition to them? What about kids who are alternately bullies and bullied?) Lady Gaga is now launching an anti-bullying foundation:

A third woman has accused Herman Cain of "what she considered aggressive and unwanted behavior by Herman Cain" when she worked at the Herman Cain-led National Restaurant Association in the 1990s.

Occupy Oakland is calling for a general strike today, the first since 1946, according to the New York Times. A few thousand people have gathered in downtown Oakland for a march, and the San Francisco Chronicle reports 260 Oakland public school teachers didn't show up to work, not to mention the stark solidarity shown by the owners of this Men's Wearhouse. (!)