In your grim Thursday media column: Pigs nab Gessen, newspaper layoffs, newspapers sales, overall newspaper desperation, the real issues in OWS coverage, and Fleshbot could be yours!

A bill passed the St. Petersburg (in Russia, jerk, not America) city parliament almost unanimously yesterday that will fine anyone who spreads "public actions, aimed at propagandizing sodomy, lesbianism, bisexuality, transgenderness among minors." It's the same fine for anyone who says that pedophilia is great. Yay, Russia!

Right-wing blog mogul and political penis fetishist Andrew Breitbart makes his acting debut this week, in the Tea Party's adorable attempt at Hollywood glamour, self-financed drama series Courage, New Hampshire. Breitbart plays the "High Sheriff of 1770 Portsmouth." Here he is ordering the death of a lugubrious criminal who seems to have wandered in from a Monty Python sketch.

Because the entertainment industry is completely out of new ideas, here are the two newest old things that they're trying to make popular again: Woody Woodpecker and The Munsters. Get ready to fall into the nostalgia trap.

Things are heating up in lower Manhattan. Zuccotti Park was placed in "full lockdown" and police in riot gear sealed off the park after a scuffle with a protester caused a near-riot.

Our man Herman Cain had a scheduled interview at 10 a.m. this morning with the editorial board of the New Hampshire Union Leader, the state's biggest newspaper. Every candidate does this interview. Dumb turd Rick Perry even did it!

Mohamed Sudam, a Reuters reporter in the strife-torn country of Yemen, has a second job as a translator. For Ali Abdullah Saleh, the nation's embattled president. And Reuters was cool with that.

In an extensive interview with the Des Moines Register's editorial board, Michele Bachmann defended the practice of waterboarding. But would she herself ever get waterboarded, so that she could more knowledgeably speak about it? Don't be absurd.

Good news, eagle-eyed watchers of economic indicators: women's heel heights are going down, which is a foolproof positive sign for our nation's finances.

California Rep. Mary Bono Mack did not find the Facebook gore-and-porn flood as funny as we did. She's calling Facebook officials in for a meeting with her aides to make sure it never happens again. But judging from Twitter, it's still happening.

Okay, I get that there aren't many good choices out there, but still: Newt Gingrich gets the most support in this Fox News poll asking, "Which Republican presidential candidate would you trust MOST with nuclear weapons?" We're finished.

Last night Gawker founder Nick Denton hosted a little soiree at his Soho pad to welcome the American staff of the Guardian who recently moved their office to the neighborhood. And what is a party without a photo booth and a few boldfaced media names? We didn't save you any tea sandwiches, but you can at least enjoy the pictures.

Kevin Daly, a 22-year-old Long Islander, was driving down the highway last night and drunkenly hit a cop car. Just your standard DWI, right? Oh no, it is far more idiotic than that.

Rick Perry simply has no idea what's happening at any point anymore, or of where he is, or what he's running for. This is the only explanation for why he's challenged Nancy Pelosi, the House minority leader, to a debate.

Occupy Wall Street is looking to roar back after their camp was raided with a big "global day of action" today. Already they've tried to shut down the New York Stock Exchange. Next up: occupying the subways.

Kristin Cavallari feuds with the Kardashians. (Fingers crossed for mutual destruction.) Beyonce debuts her 2008 wedding dress. George Clooney's 11-year-old co-star calls him out. Thursday gossip throws the gauntlet.

We blame the 60s. For everything. Today, we blame the 60s for creating the lax and permissive atmosphere in this great nation that directly caused our "best and brightest" young university students to neglect their studies in favor of LSD, sexual intercourse, and LSD intercourse.

The Michael Jackson estate is reportedly in talks for the inevitable film about the life of the King of Pop. Ivan Reitman's Montecito Picture Company – which has brought us Old School and Up In The Air, but also EuroTrip and The Pink Panther – might produce. According to Variety, "The project would only cover certain periods of the late singer's life." So none of the gross stuff.

This actor is a terror to his wife and kids when he's not getting work. This famous couple isn't as close to reconciling as they'd like us to believe. All these lies make me want to rage!

Uhhhhhh. Ugggghhhh. Ummmmmmfffff. Dude we were like... what time is it? Fuck. Morning in America already?