Here's a sweet Australian ad for—well, I don't want to ruin the surprise (you will probably be able to guess what's going to happen anyway), except to say that the United States could stand to see more campaigns like this.

Let's not allow the pepper-spray clouds, bullet showers, and mounds of bloody Brawny towels to obscure our view of the hard-working cashiers, stockers, and other retail workers who staffed the stores and enabled Black Friday to happen. How did they fare yesterday?

Kris Humphries' stunning pattern of gas-passing is revealed. Jennifer Lopez and her boytoy escape to Hawaii. And Prince Harry is still partying out west. Saturday gossip rode Revenge of the Mummy, twice.

Bad news: The federal government has once again made it harder to find the best online shopping spots for all your counterfeit sports jersey and fake Louis Vuitton bag holiday shopping needs. Why? Because they want your family's holiday gift-giving experience to be authentic.

Four-year-old Savannah Harp can't read or write, because she's four, and you know how toddlers are (not very literate!). But that didn't stop a Safeway security guard from making her sign a document banning her from Safeway supermarkets until the end of time.

Former congressman Anthony Weiner resigned in disgrace earlier this year for sending pictures of his erect dong to various strangers on Twitter. Now, months later, attempting to rebuild his life with his pregnant wife, State Department aide Huma Abedin, he has settled on the exact worst strategy to look like a normal guy who would never even consider sending dick pics to women: growing a wispy moustache. (We understand that it's probably for "Movember," the prostate cancer-awareness event. Even so.) [images via Pacific Coast News]

Right now, several miles above the surface of the earth, a huge wheeled robot is on its way to Mars, where, armed with "rock-zapping laser," it will seek out evidence of ancient extraterrestrial life.

When 33-year-old Zainab Bibi of Pakistan allegedly killed her husband Ahmad Abbas, she had an excellent plan to dispose of his body: cook him. Unfortunately, either Bibi is a bad cook, or Abbas was a bad source of meat.

An off-duty cop reportedly sprayed "a single puff" of America's top chemical food while dealing with a disturbance at a Kinston, N.C. Walmart. A witness claims that 20 people were affected by the spritz. This sideways-angle video shows the aftermath.

Too much Holiday Family Time arousing feelings of hopelessness and despair? Here's a feelgood story to get you through the weekend: a woman who spent much of her life as a paraplegic has just become pro racing cyclist. And she's not even Lance Armstrong's cyborg sister.

Even without waffle-iron rioting and bloody police beat-downs, the standard Black Friday shopping experience is utterly terrifying. Just watch this video featuring hundreds of shoppers storming the Urban Outfitters at Thousand Oaks Mall in California and tremble at the sight of so many people running toward the khaki fashions.

As part of their ongoing investigation into Oneal Ron Morris—the Floridian fake doctor accused of injecting "cement, 'Fix a Flat,' mineral oil and super glue" into people's butts—police have arrested Corey Alexander Eubank, Morris's alleged assistant. Now both are unemployed.

We all know that the Smurfs movie ruins people's childhood memories, but does it also ruin people's very lives—namely, by leading them to reach frighteningly high intoxication levels in an effort to cope with its awfulness? "Yesssshhhhhh," traumatized mom Sarah Boushey might say, before sideswiping another car.

A protective grandfather received a complimentary pile of bloody paper towels as part of his Black Friday shopping experience, after police slammed him to the floor at a Walmart in Buckeye, Ariz. What did he do to receive this amazing offer?

What's the funniest thing about this video of people nearly rioting over a $2 waffle iron at Wal-Mart? Probably the bit where it embodies everything awesome about America, including a horrible economy, aggressive consumerism, mindless violence and a complete lack of concern for one's fellow human beings. And let's not forget internet rubbernecking and smug class hatred, sure to arrive soon in comments on all the finest sites on the web! Happy Black Friday, everyone! [@HurrAKAneCam19 via Short Form Blog]

Today, we give thanks to Brandon Gephart of Roseville, Calif., who, by having a seizure in the middle of Twilight: Breaking Dawn has given an actual, medical excuse to significant others everywhere who are doing their best to avoid the movie.

"The Romney campaign suggested that Gingrich was using the quote out of context." — Poor Mitt Romney, being misquoted like that! Too bad his campaign just said misquoting opponents is A-OK, as long as it gets people talking about Romney.

Lady Gaga poses nude for an American legend, and previews her next video. Jennifer Love Hewitt denies herself her favorite things. And a model is very mad about the release of her sex tape. Black Friday gossip is very serious at restaurants.

Sam Brownback, the Republican Governor of Kansas, is an enormous wussy mama's boy tattletale. How do we know? Because a member of his staff literally went to the principal when a high-school student Tweeted that he "sucked."

An angry (and strategic) shopper in Los Angeles pepper sprayed about 20 people trying to get X-Boxes 360 on Thursday night, sending at least one person to the hospital. In North Carolina, a shootout broke out at 2 a.m. outside a mall where shoppers had gathered. Yes—it's the most wonderful time of the year. Happy Black Friday, everyone!