You know, if there's one thing America could use fewer of right now, it's human beings performing services in exchange for money. What are those called again? Oh right, jobs. Too many jobs! Let's eliminate positions! Like pudding sample dispensation technician, for example. How long have we been pressed under the thumb of those lazy, unionized, pudding-covered thugs? Too long. Luckily, Jell-O has finally done something about it. They have funneled thousands of man hours and countless millions in research dollars into the world's first Jell-O Temptations Sampling Machine, a marvel of technical innovation that squirts out a blob of pudding every time you approach it. But what if a child approaches it? What then? Might the Sampling Machine offer the child some delicious pudding? No! Of course not! That would be completely counterintuitive to the needs of Jell-O's dessert-squirting Frankenstein. From Gothamist:

[Updated below.] A reality show from the Netherlands called Proefkonijnen ("Guinea Pigs") set about tackling the ultimate taboo head-on. No, not that taboo. The other taboo: Cannibalism! The gluttonous consumption of tasty, fatty, crispy-skinned human flesh. Mmmmmm. Peeeeeople. So co-hosts Dennis Storm and Valerio Zeno submitted themselves to what is informally known on Fire Island as "the Gentleman's Agreement" — you eat my meat, I'll eat yours.

Holiday downer time! A couple in their 70s had their vacation cut short when the wife died in the car, somewhere around Pasco, Washington. The husband made the decision to turn the vehicle around and drive back home to attend to his wife's burial. But home was 225 miles north, across the Canada-U.S. border, in Oliver, B.C.

Today we learned all about the shortage of butter in Norway. Very much in keeping with today's pun-filled posts on Gawker, one commenter finds a whey to accurately express their reaction to the lack of dairy in Norway.

Mark Zuckerberg, who personally kills all his food, is ominously proud of his escalating slaughters. Here's the bison he recently shot and devoured, mounted at Facebook headquarters as a "prank" on a less predatory executive.

Sean Parker wants to be taken seriously. Facebook's founding president badly wants to convince people he's not an amoral party boy like Justin Timberlake in The Social Network. Which is why it's strange he basically encouraged the New York Times to paint him as a cokehead.

Theoretical question: What does a congressman who never bothered to tie his tie properly, comb his hair, or button his top shirt button even when he was trying to win elections dress like after he's announced his retirement and stopped caring entirely? It really is an interesting theoretical question.

Are there any more promising words in gossip journalism than "In Touch Weekly got a hold of"? At the bottom of the tabloid pecking order, the primary documents In Touch "gets a hold of" tend to be spectacularly bad. But baby, In Touch will work what it's got, and for that I salute it. Their latest exclusive (as summarized by a Hollyscoop video) is about world's youngest sulking starlet Suri Cruise:

When Kim Jong-Il died Saturday he was on a train finishing up one of his frequent "field guidance tours," which are famous on the internet for the surreal photos they produced of Kim looking at everyday objects. Here are photos taken during the last stop on Kim's last tour, about two days before his death.

The grim situation in Scandinavia worsened over the weekend as the Norwegian government, attempting to cling to power in the face of a severe butter shortage, arrested two Swedes who'd been attempting to smuggle 550 pounds of butter over the border.

We've been trying something different, as Congress has been pretending to nearly shut down the government or arbitrarily destroy the global economic system for the fourth time this year: Not biting! They'll always reach an agreement, after acting out a months-long scripted fight that we've seen before. But now we're at the stage when children lawmakers begin channeling action movies for inspiration, so we'll take that as our cue.

Right now everyone is scurrying around and throwing elbows trying to get their last minute Christmas shopping done at an overcrowded mall. But what happens when you get all your gifts home? You have to make sure the packages look just as good as what's inside. Here are some simple tricks to wrap the perfect present.

Tagging people in Facebook photos makes for superhappyfuntimes. But using your tagging powers to bestow an honor such as the one Gawker is posing via the Patrón IF Tag site is way more fun than your basic photo tag. So here's the scenario:

Christians: where are they hiding these days? There are two billion of the cocksuckers floating around out there. But Richard Dawkins' constant haranguing at various cocktail parties has finally managed to run them out of Europe. From a Pew Center report:

Brutal and cultish North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is dead, and as the news spread last night, Twitter users reflected on the news the only way they knew how: by referring to the same racist Team America song so much that it hit the trending topics.

Here it is, the big moment you've been waiting for, the trailer for the last of Christopher Nolan's Batman movies. Apparently it's about a bunch of villains fomenting revolution to put awful rich people in their place. Uh, a bunch of Hollywood fat cats are going to make $17 bajillion off of Occupy Wall Street? Great!

Hark! Ye harbingers of consumer doom, the Kardashians, have released their 2011 Christmas card. Whereas last year's yuletide feat of airbrushed uncanny put viewers in a trance state, this year's card will make you go, "A-woooo-gah!" while pumping 3-D glasses back and forth in the airspace in front of your face. (Like so.) This year's KardashiKard comes three dimensions, you see. [Image via Kourtney Kardashian]

Neti pots! Sun benefits! Gay marriage! Nuclear death! Celery danger! Heart eyes! Obesity moms! Supplement peril! And holiday hangover cures, right on time! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—every last inch of it!

Zynga was supposed to help launch the market into another tech-stock boom. It has impressive revenue and, ostensibly, a history of profits. And that's why everyone's nervously talking today about how the videogame company's brand new stock is melting: The tech bubble is turning to bust.

There is nothing worse than those letters you get in Christmas cards recapping what someone's family has been doing for the past year. Maybe everyone should start making videos of their year, like this beautiful, sweet, wonderful, and every other positive adjective gay couple.