Forty six billion tweets don't lie: We're collectively getting more depressed. Or at least those of us on Twitter are, judging from our use of sad words like "greed," "terrorist," and "suicide." We've been in a depression spiral since April 2009, according to science. How dismal!
Deangelo Mitchell and his brother Wayne were taken into custody by the cops in South Carolina when the po-po suspected they had drugs in their car. While in custody, Deangelo convinced Wayne to eat the ounce of cocaine he had hidden in his ass. Then Wayne died.
Why does Hollywood do everything in duplicate? After Lindsay Lohan dropped out of Linda Lovelace biopic Inferno, Amanda Seyfried announced she would be playing Lovelace. Shortly thereafter, Malin Akerman announced she would replace LiLo as Lovelace. Why are there so many mixed signals in the casting of this role, I wondered.
Rachel Yoder, a 15 year-old Amish girl in Ohio, was riding home in her buggy from a Christmas party last week when she was, mysteriously and without warning, shot in the head and killed. Now police have found the killer: a man who fired his "muzzle-loading rifle" into the air while cleaning it, more than a mile away.
Five people and a dog were killed around 10 a.m. today when a small plane crashed on I-287 outside of Morris Township in New Jersey. The single-engine turbo-prop plane, which was piloted by a managing director of the investment bank Greenhill & Co., and carrying his wife, two children, and a coworker, had taken off from Teterboro Airport and was headed for Atlanta when it disappeared from radar. The Newark Star-Ledger writes that it "appeared to nosedive and disintegrate"; although no one on the ground died, the debris was strewn across a half-mile area and the wreckage was horrifying:
There are those moments where your life changes in an instant and you don't see it coming: a mugging, an accident, the phone call that a family member has died. You were just having a wonderful day and then—slam—something snaps and all the gears come tumbling out of the watch in a comical and tragic disarray. That's sort of what happened to Taylor and Russell last night. The carousel finally stopped.
Like us, you've probably always assumed that schools with really good football teams are also full of stupid meatheads simply because stupid meatheads like football, and therefore go to those schools. That's not quite right; good football teams actually make students worse. Guy students. Cause guys like the football!
The axe is falling at HBO today just like it fell on Ned Stark's head on Game of Thrones (spoiler alert!) and the networked cancelled Hung, How to Make It in America, and Bored to Death. But don't worry, seven people who watched Enlightened, it's coming back for more.
Now this is strange. What compels a Speaker of the House, as he's (supposed to be) trying to reach a deal to preserve various expiring government goodies before Congress recesses for the year, to move a resolution that would "commission the placement of a bust of former British Prime Minister Winston Churchill in the Capitol"? Here he is, talking about it, softly crying, of course, but not in full Boehner Bawl mode. Winston Churchill, he was one helluva a guy. Anyway, this is all about race.
For years upon years, we here at Gawker have been bringing you stories of the sheer fuckery of incompetent superflack Ronn [sic] Torossian (pictured), head of 5WPR, the most shameless public relations firm in New York City. Here is a bit of news that we view with exceeding interest: Ronn Torossian is caught up in a federal investigation. A very serious one.
The trailer for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, the sequel to the 2007 cinematic masterpiece, Ghost Rider, has it all: creepy precocious child actors, talking skeleton demons all ablaze, the devil taking on human form, a guy with blond hair. Topped off with the ultimate coup de grâce that is Nic (insert facial tic) Cage. Already we see him on a motorcycle, we see him cracking jokes, we see him doubled over, his body racked with sobs. Ah yes, right where we left him.
It is written in the official Communist Dictator Handbook that when a leader dies he must be laid out like a meat-and-cold-cuts tray at a regional sales conference. Today mourners paid respects to Kim Jong il's dead body.
Wondering why everyone unfriended you on Facebook? Most likely it's because you're really offensive. But it might be because you're really depressing!
Bloomberg reporter Max Abelson should receive every last Pulitzer for his story today, "Look at These Atrocious Rich Fuckers Hang Themselves With Their Own Quotes." Or if you prefer the "formal" headline, "Bankers Seek to Debunk Attack on Top 1%." Good god. I mean really. It is almost Christmas. You bastards.
This mogul's daughter paid $50,000 for her "boyfriend" to spend the night. This celebrity family is feuding over something stupid, and this married singer is cheating. Let's hope someone paid for the privileged.
Though the fear of a violent and unprovoked home invasion resulting in who knows what horrors to your precious bodily cavities stalks your psyche daily, the fact is this: you are paranoid. Watching too much local television news, I suspect. America is so safe these days it is absolutely sickening.
I have a cup on my desk filled with approximately two dozen pens, which at any given time yields a total of maybe one working writing instrument whenever I need it — usually a dull pencil or crayon. That's just my crappy luck. So you'll forgive me if I experience just a twinge of envy when relaying the tale of the 76-year-old woman from England who checked herself into a gastroenterologist's office complaining of diarrhea, only to learn from an CT scan that she had been carrying around a pen inside her for approximately 25 years. And it still wrote.
