Who says you have to leave your living room to have a big adventure? Pee-wee Herman is on Top Chef tonight, and we're live-blogging the show in the comments. Join us!

Last Friday, we published an email from a Starbucks employee we referred to as "Barista X." She had reached out to Gawker to complain about some of the new break room policies at her franchise. We pissed all over her little rant, as did some of you noisy bastard commenters. (Some noisy bastard commenters supported her cause, too.) But Barista X, Katie Pengra, has decided to pen a follow-up for us. To Gawker. To Gawker commenters. To America. We thank her for her contribution.

Uh-oh, guys: Donald Trump just tweeted that he will be making a "major announcement" tomorrow. Is he maniacally ridiculous enough to run as an independent candidate for President? Is he ending his awful reality show? (Is his show even still on? We stopped watching after they got rid of Omorosa.) Is he perhaps going to half-endorse a candidate just to copy Sarah Palin? Did he write a book of Ronald Reagan fan fiction? Oh well, no one cares. Every photon of limelight shed on this peripatetic gasbag contributes directly to the girth of his already morbidly obese ego. Seriously. Therefore, here is a list of five things cool or inconsequential things on the Internets for you to read about or watch tomorrow during his idiotic "announcement" whatever it is, because they are all more interesting than Donald Trump:

David Letterman celebrates 30 years in late-night television tonight. Chances are, though, that you aren't gonna be watching the anniversary episode—especially if you're under the age of 50. It's been a long, long time since David Letterman mattered all that much.

David Brooks is concerned about white people: they're unemployed, they're not married, they're fat. But which presidential candidate can save them? Perhaps the official American Enterprise Institute "are you authentically white" quiz can help us find out.

Facebook just released its first-ever official financial numbers as part of its filing to go public, and they're very impressive. One billion dollars in annual profit impressive. Also: Much of humankind is hopelessly addicted to Facebook.

Look how "Chinese singer/actor superstar" Jay Chou's eyes seem to follow you everywhere you go. That's an optical illusion you can set your watch to.

This morning actress Debi Mazar (who also happens to be my number one fan) found a crazy sight on the front stoop of her house in the Los Feliz neighborhood of L.A. There was a homeless person passed out on the welcome mat. Debi took it in stride, until he started jerking off.

Want to feel old? Listen to some Skrillex. Want to feel really old? You should have been at the first of Skrillex's four New York City shows, late last night at Webster Hall in Manhattan.

12? 6:30? 11:15? Make your best guess in the comments.

Well so, if you couldn't tell I went to summer camp. It is my favorite place in the world because that is where I met all my favorite people in the world. More than that though, most of the things I hold to be true in this world, I learned from my camp friends. And one of those is the Muffled Tailpipe.

A comedy blogger has unearthed Louis CK's rundown of making TV pilots, posted to Usenet (!) in 2006. Between this fantastic, lengthy document and Lorne Michaels' new interview with Alec Baldwin lie some excellent tips for hacking the Hollywood system, which we've distilled and posted below.

Leslie Carter, the sister of pre-Bieber tween star Aaron Carter and Backstreet Boys survivor Nick Carter, is dead. She was 25.

In a recent interview with Harper's Bazaar, plebeian prime minister Gwyneth Paltrow spoke about the joys of motherhood:

That thing you are staring at and trying desperately to understand is a "Chupacabra/Montauk Monster." Or at least that is what the tipster who sent it into Vice called it. It supposedly washed up on a San Diego beach just last week. At approximately two feet in length, it has the face of some sort of tusked boar and makes a weekly appearance in my nightmares. Whether you believe that it is real or not it is up to you to decide, but I am pretty sure that is the most terrible seademon you will see today. And one more for our collection of Montauk Monsters.

Does Wendy's use aborted human fetuses in its food? When we conducted our groundbreaking investigation into the issue last week, we were forced to put the fast food company in the "possibly contains fetuses" category when our queries didn't receive a response. But now our our noble and relentless quest for the truth has paid off.

Saturday Night Live and Suburgatory star Ana Gasteyer signed up for Twitter in August. She loves it — "it's a fantastic way to connect with your specific weird following," she told me — but there's a problem: Twitter won't verify her account. No matter what she does. (Update below.)

The last time overeducated lit mag n+1 wrote a big think piece about a blog, they chased all the smart people away from this here website forever. Now, n+1 is back with yet another in their peerless "How to Overthink Things on the Internet That, In Actuality, Have Little if Any Overarching Theme or Philosophy." This one's for the ladiesssssssss!

Molly Fischer has thoughts about several popular internet "ladyblogs." Like what?

Over-iced Funfetti cupcake Zooey Deschanel will provide vocals for some tracks on the upcoming album from M. Ward.

We are familiar with the James O'Keefe of today, certainly, what about the O'Keefe of yesterday? Before he was a fugitive, professional ambusher and rabble-rouser, James O'Keefe led the life of a simple teen-aged student, wandering aimlessly through the halls of his high school humming "Life is a Highway."