One Boston politician is promoting new legislation that would call on parking attendants to keep drunk drivers off the roads.

Back in 2008, President Obama's political opponents made a lot of predictions about what an Obama presidency would do to America. The reality didn't quite live up to their socialist, fundamental Islamist hype. What are they doing in now that it is 2012 and Obama is seeking a second term? The exact same thing: making ridiculous predictions about what will come in the next four years.

Yeah, you can.

When it was suggested a while back that, based on its rapid rate of genetic decay, the male Y sex chromosome was bound for extinction in five million years' time, women everywhere were like, "Haha, five million years' time can't come quickly enough—Am I right, ladies, am I right?"

It's time for the penultimate episode of everyone's favorite show, "Top Chef Jumps the Shark in Canada By Way of Texas." And no matter how silly this season gets, it's always a blast to live-blog the show together—which we're about to do in the comments under this post. Join us!

There's no denying that, for the most part, having a substitute teacher is pretty fantastic.

Today in the New York Times, restaurant critic Pete Wells compares eight well-regarded New York City burgers — leaving us to wonder, if these are the best burgers in New York, which is the worst? We want to find out. But we need your help.

Dinner parties and obituaries could become a lot less interesting if the Supreme Court votes to uphold a law which makes it a federal offense to lie about having received military honors.

SNL's on a rerun week, so the writers have plenty of time to prepare for the return of LiLo on March 3. But here's a quick sketch pitch: Replace Russian oligarch and presidential candidate Mikhail Prokhorov with Fred Armisen and run this actual segment from an actual Russian comedy show word-for-word. Do not change the set. Do not change the words. Do not change the way they all bob their heads to the beat. Do nothing. In fact, maybe just get the rights and lift the entire thing. This is perfect as it is.

Chicago's Brookfield Zoo introduced a healthy baby aardvark to the media today. The baby was born on January 12, complete with all its aardvark fingers and toes and little aardvark nose. But you know what the newborn is missing? An aardvark vagina and/or penis! That little critter is over a month old and its sex has yet to be determined.

Tickets went on sale online today for the eight concerts that seminal electronic band Kraftwerk is playing at the Museum of Modern Art in April (one for each album). As is often the case in these situations, a lot of people didn't get tickets. (Your blogger included.) The internet's Jake Fogelnest noticed, and faked a retweet from Kim Kardashian claiming that she'd gotten tickets. And who'd have thought? People bought it.

A handful of Mormons, the Mormon they call Romney specifically, have been in hot water for supposedly performing "proxy Baptisms" on Jews who died in the Holocaust. But with the advent of a new website, aptly named "All Dead Mormons Are Now Gay," you can perform your own proxy conversion and turn a deceased Mormon into a gay one.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell said in a lengthy statement today that he would not support the proposed bill that would require transvaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortions—a procedure that many considered akin to "state sanctioned rape."

Armando Bigo, a second grader, was struck by a stray bullet while in Papa Yali's Deli last night. The footage shows Armando browsing the chips selection when he was hit in the upper chest/shoulder area. According to his mother, who was in the store as well, he is recovering at Jacobi Medical Center, where doctors are treating him for a punctur lung, a fractured rib, and an injured spinal cord. No one else was injured in the shooting.

At 23.5 inches tall, Junrey Balawing is currently the shortest man alive, or so says Guinness World Records. But 74-year-old Chandra Bahadur Dangi, who measures in at 22.56 inches, is now a contender for the title.

Last night, the AP broke the news that the New York Police Department had spent months spying on Muslims in Newark, N.J. "The result was a 60-page report," AP reporter Adam Goldman writes, "containing brief summaries of businesses and their clientele." But was it a surveillance file... or just a guide to Newark's best Muslim restaurants?

GQ profiled manic pixie rap waif Kreayshawn for its March issue, and the result is a mesmerizing feat of shit. Smoking shit, talking shit, and literally shitting.

Maggie Meier, who went into a coma after suffering a seizure in 2008, was somehow still able to shoot a beach ball through a hoop while in her, to use a Margaret Atwood-ism, fallow state. Meier had played basketball for years, and doctors believe that the motion of shooting a basket was so deeply ingrained in her that she was able to do it without thinking.

Not for the faint of heart, Marie Colvin's last report from Homs, Syria shows the slow death of a baby boy. The city has been under siege for 18 days, resulting in thousands of casualties. Colvin was killed earlier this morning in the home where she was staying.

Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin's hometown, is currently embroiled in some deep genitalia controversy. A vagina sculpture, or rather a sculpture resembling a vagina, has been placed in front of Wasilla High School and not everyone is happy about it.