The 20 richest people on Earth lost a combined $11.3 billion yesterday…in their couch cushions.

One former student of Stonehill College in Massachussets is seeking $150,000 in damages following a wild and crazy sex-filled senior year.

Nobel Prize winner Jules Hoffman was recently selected to become an immortal, beating out eight other fancy French candidates in a secret vote held last week.

Famed slut and Missouri native Rush Limbaugh is set to be honored with a bronze statue at the Missouri state Capitol, House Speaker Steven Tilley confirmed yesterday.

"I'm pissed off," the notorious hacker Sabu told me on the phone last September, lamenting the latest arrests in a worldwide crackdown on the hacking collective Anonymous. "I'm getting real sad, with all the bullshit. It's all media hunger on the side of the FBI, my nigga."

At today's press conference with Obama, CBS' Norah O'Donnell informed the president that Romney had called him "the most feckless president since Carter." Big time burn.

Dale Regan (above), headmaster of Episcopal School of Jacksonville in Florida, was shot and killed today by a teacher at the school. The teacher, who had been fired earlier in the day, then took his own life. According to Police, the unidentified man carried the AK-47 he used onto campus in a guitar case. No one else was hurt in the incident.

Did you know that Mitt Romney is a homo-loving pro-gay fetishist who wants your children to be taught by cross-dressing gay soldiers? That's the upshot of a bizarre new pro- Santorum robocall going out to Ohio voters today.

Provocateur, website founder and collector of America's largest wads of spittle Andrew Breitbart died last Thursday morning, when some sentient shred of his cardiac organ kamikazed out of an exhausted sense of justice.

Can you hear it? That is the mingled sound of shrieking and a thousand dressing room mirrors shattering, echoing across the Hollywood Hills.

A.G. "Baller of a New Generation" Sulzberger—son of NYT publisher Pinch Sulzberger, heir to the throne of the Times empire, and natural wisenheimer—has completed his exile in Middle America, where he helmed the Kansas City desk and was forced to endure prolonged periods of subpar vegetarian cooking. He's coming home... TO RULE. To work on the Metro Desk, we mean. Don't fool yourselves; he'll be ruling soon enough.

Perhaps the greatest legacy of Olivia Munn's sexy phone hack (other than the revelation that Chris Pine apparently licks ass) is the comedienne's unique sexting method, which involves superimposing text and arrows over an erotic self-portrait, to create illustrated sex instructions. In the above photo, for instance, Olivia's butt is labeled "put your cum all over here."

SitchNews, Mike Sorrentino's new gossip site, looks, uh, familiar. The site officially launched on February 20th with the introductory message:

Catholic scold Rick Santorum thinks Julian Assange is a "terrorist"—and ought to be prosecuted as such—for his role in releasing thousands of pages of classified documents on the internet. He ought to know: In 2006, Sen. Rick Santorum literally forced the U.S. government to dump thousands of pages of classified records concerning Iraq onto the web, including detailed plans for building a nuclear weapon, so that right-wing bloggers could search them for evidence of Saddam Hussein's phantom WMD.

What is the best kind of soda, all things considered? That's right: it's Diet Mtn Dew. No contest.

The eagerly anticipated sequel to Olivia Munn's "Lick my tight asshole and choke me" sexy pictures has arrived. Here is a new cache of erotic self-portraits superimposed with arrows and sadomasochistic instructionstexts with Skitch, the photo editing application that is rapidly becoming the internet's go-to app for multimedia sexting.

BackStage Pass VIP, a new book by Debra Sharon Davis, "depicts the human side of celebrity music icons." Among other claims, the controversial book paints Mick Jagger as a right-wing conservative and claims that John Lennon had an eating disorder.

Hey Hunger Games creeps, now you can further disengage with the real world and emerge yourself in a fictitious world of Suzanne Collins' making. In anticipation of the upcoming film adaptation of the YA trilogy, visit the Capitol's website, or the "citizen information terminal." You can bone up on knowledge of the tributes, learn district population information, and my personal favorite, view a feature called, "tracker jack incidents." There is also, obvs, a countdown until the movie's premier (16 days, 11 hours, 06 minutes, 3 seconds).

It was revealed today that the notorious Anonymous hacker Hector Monsegnur—a.k.a. "Sabu"—has been cooperating with the Feds for months, and even worked off a computer they gave him for some time. But that doesn't mean Mosegnur is a fed, as he learned last month when he was arrested by NYPD for trying to pass himself off as an FBI agent.

When a blogger writes a blog post about something, that blogger will often put a "link" in the blog post that "links" to a related page on the internet. This is just part of blogging. Works pretty well. Until a massive corporation decides to actively get involved. Then, it becomes amusing.