There's a doozy of an essay by the 27-or-so-years-old Alexandra Molotkow in this weekend's New York Times Magazine. "Why the Old-School Music Snob Is the Least Cool Kid on Twitter" argues, in a meandering, ultimately unpersuasive manner, that listening to obscure music was once cool, but snobbery has been replaced by populism. While there is a fair argument to make about the Internet democratizing not just access to independent music, but mass media to those who might otherwise have ignored it were they not confronted by page after tweet after Spotify Facebook update of it, Molotkow does not go there.

Hillary Clinton's handlers are trying to pry scrunchies for her cold, dead hair, Elle reports in an article that simultaneously justifies and apologizes for writing about Hillary's hair:

The Date of the Century may be over, but its memory lives on. Kim Kardashian wandered New York City today with what looked like a hickey on her neck. Might have been psoriasis, though.

Katy Perry to Teen Vogue, on fame:

Yesterday political web magazine Taki's Magazine published a stunning work of overt racism by John Derbyshire, a man so racist (and sexist) that even his colleagues at the National Review think he sucks. In Taki, Derbyshire offers the "nonblack version" of "the talk" that some black parents say they give to their children, warning them how to survive in a racist world.

Fresh off the pseudo-legitimization of their Kanye West-Kim Kardashian "backshots" sex pictures, MediaTakeout is touting "EARTH-SHATTERING SUPER EXCLUSIVE" photos of "two celebs... getting some BOOTY LOVE!!!"

The whole field of philosophy is currently engaged in a self-referential argument over whether or not it is a "science," entirely because philosophers believe that being a "science" would get them more respect. Much of academia suffers from the same competitive affliction. Until now.

Thinking about Scandal put Prince's "Scandalous" (from the Batman soundtrack, haha) in my head. That song's...all right. I feel like he perfected its template two albums later with the similarly slow and explicit "Insatiable." This is my second-favorite sex ballad of Prince's. The incomplete progression goes something like:

One way to spoil a national "health and happiness week" is to take away the one thing that makes people happy (before they become hungover and miserable): Alcohol.

The public relations industry is often called upon to smooth over the errors of others. This makes their own mistakes all the more delicious. This is PR Dummies. Dummies, in PR, every week.

You know when you're reading a book, and the book is kind of meh, and so you decide to roll a joint, but then you realize you ran out of rolling papers and forgot to buy a new pack, because you are a stoner? Sucks, right? Problem solved, thanks to the melted brain of America's favorite burnout, Snoop Dogg.

Teen actress turned Maxim hottie Amanda Bynes, age 26, is currently in police custody after being arrested for a DUI last night, Gossip Cop reports in a rare article where the name "Gossip Cop" makes sense. Feel free to stage citizen gossip arrests on anyone who says it didn't happen.

ABC's new legal-ish drama, Scandal, boldly runs the risk of being despised. Its protagonist, Olivia Pope is so almighty, she can make women cry for making women cry. She bulldozes the men who get in her way. She confronts other guys rabidly and condescendingly. ("You're pretty. And smart. So pretty. So smart," she says to a co-worker who questions her process.) She breaks yet another down, getting an on-record homophobe to reveal his homosexuality, using her will as her magic lasso. She runs her own company (a crisis-management firm, whatever that is), sets the rules, milks her employees 24/7, doesn't believe in, "I don't know." All the while, she is black.

An attempt to get giant pandas Yang Guang and Tian Tian to fuck in a "love tunnel" at the Edinburgh Zoo has failed, to the disappointment of panda fuck enthusiasts everywhere. Zoo official Iain Valentine told The Daily Record that, though an ovulating Tian Tian "called out incessantly" to her would-be lover, she ended up merely "wrestling" him:

Current D.C. councilman and former crack-smoking "Mayor for Life" Marion Barry is "very sorry for offending the Asian American community" by making this astonishingly offensive comment at a press conference:

Bicycle handlebar ribbon Zooey Deschanel looks like her mother.

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: without a goal, you are nothing. Dig it.

"World's most famous McDonald's employee" Mirlande Wilson—who claims she has Maryland's winning Mega Millions ticket but hasn't decided whether or not she'll accept her winning yet—almost definitely didn't win the lottery. But, damn, she has totally won the lottery-centric news cycle. Check out the latest nonchalant multi-millionaire quotes she gave to The New York Post about her supposedly winning ticket:

Stacy Knutson, a waitress at The Fryn' Pan restaurant in Moorhead, Minnesota, is exceptionally honest. When a customer left $12,000 in cash in a takeout container on one of Knutson's tables, she followed the customer out into the parking lot and tried to return it. The customer said, quote, "No, I am good, you keep it." Okay, so, what is the problem here?

It reads like the kind of thought-provoking hypothetical your cool high school history teacher who sat not behind but ON TOP OF his desk and called everyone by their last names might have thrown out: Should Germany have its own Veterans Day?