George is just your average happy-go-lucky goldfish. Except for the fact that he looks like Adolf Hitler.

Time was, anarchists could simply look askance at a Starbucks' big greedy oppression-symbolizing window and it'd shatter out of sheer terror. But in the age-old battle between anarchists and Starbucks, the coffeemaker appears to have gained the upper hand.

The American Nazi Party has registered its first-ever Capitol Hill lobbyist, a 55-year-old South Carolina paralegal named John Taylor Bowles. Bowles chatted with us by phone from his Greenville-area home (he will commute to D.C.) about his legislative goals, the time he ran for president, and his desire to work with Joe Lieberman.

Katie Roiphe, a well-to-do white woman who will not shut up, has a case of mortal ennui which is relieved only by publishing cretinous trolling articles which draw sweeping pseudopsychological conclusions about womankind from a small handful of vacuous anecdotes mixed with pop culture strained through the special Katie Roiphe Psychic Sexxx Fantasyland Filter. The news today is, she is still doing that.

During a recent interview with Fuse contributor William Goodman, Hole co-founder Eric Erlandson revealed that, shortly before his 1994 suicide, Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain was hard at work on a solo release that "would have been his White Album."

As part of our ongoing project to catalog the 2012 presidential election from a metal point of view, we've been soliciting presidential endorsements from noteworthy American metal musicians. Today: Magrudergrund.

If someone ever bar-bets you that they can drop a coin into a bottle using just a forklift, make sure that someone isn't Daniel Xanthopulo.

Tom Petty had his heart broken last week when he discovered several vintage guitars had been stolen from the The Culver Studios soundstage in Culver City where he and the Heartbreakers had been rehersing ahead of their 2012 North America-Europe tour, scheduled to launch this Wednesday.

Screeching tabloid sex witch Andrea Peyser watched the HBO show Girls on television last night. Did she like it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. But seriously, guys. Andrea located a portly female.

It was the Coachella closer to end all Coachella closers.

In Cartagena, Colombia, for the sixth Summit of the Americas, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was spotted late Saturday night taking a breather from running the world to down a few drinks and dance the diplomatic doldrums away with her staffers and security agents at Café
Havana — the #1 nightlife spot in the city, according to TripAdvisor.

In response to the brouhaha that ensued following Simpsons creator Matt Groening's "revelation" that Springfield is "located" in his home state of Oregon, tonight's episode featured a chalkboard gag which aims to re-shroud the town's coordinates in mystery.

The Hunger Games dominated the box office this weekend — the fourth in a row — but there is serious competition on the horizon. All-star superhero flick The Avengers opens May 4, with a good chance of making big money. Of course, this is America, and we love stories of two brothers facing off against one another. So, hey, let's make this about Liam Hemsworth vs. Chris Hemsworth.

Closing out Coachella's second night, main-stage headliners Radiohead brought out their extensive back catalog for a satiating two-hour set in front of "easily the largest gathering at the festival so far," according to RollingStone.com.

Former Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann is pro-choice. Wait, no — that's not exactly true. She still supports a full ban on abortion, even in the case of rape or for the woman's health. But Bachmann used an odd choice of words when she appeared on Meet the Press.

He's our first president, he could not tell a lie, and he's Britain's greatest ever foe. Yes, George Washington has had this dubious honor bestowed on him by the National Army Museum. Washington beat out such notable adversaries as Michael Collins and Napoleon Bonaparte. I guess now would be the appropriate time to start a "U.S.A.!" chant?

We all want an invite to a mansion in the East Hamptons, but some impatient people simply invite themselves. That's what 30-year-old Quamine Taylor did when he decided to hang out at P. Diddy's for almost 24 hours. The weirdest part of this story: Taylor pulled the same stunt at the same mansion over a decade ago.

If you were looking for NRA president Wayne LaPierre's response to the Trayvon Martin case, you're not going to find it. At the annual NRA meeting, LaPierre said he would not comment "without a full understanding of the facts." He did, however, accuse the media of not caring about other violent crimes — presumably those not involving guns? And then he told us how he really felt.

After her canine companion was run over by a car on Hacienda Boulevard in La Puente, California, a 2-year-old black Lab braved oncoming traffic and other hazards to stay by their side.

Gawker reader Amy Baker sent in this photo of two headless chickens she discovered near the corner of 72nd and Central Park West this morning. Her theory is voodoo, which seems about as likely as anything else.