Humans are a notoriously tough species to train.

CCTV footage from a gas station in the Melbourne suburb of Thomastown shows a blockheaded patron flicking his lighter near the pump, causing gas vapors to ignite and nearly torch his car.

Okay, here is the ABSOLUTELY TRUE setup to the jokes which you are about to hear: Chester M. "Chet Haze" Hanks is the Northwestern University-educated son of multimillionaire Oscar-winning Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks. The very definition of a self-made man, in other words. And he's a rapper. Haha. But wait, scratch that—now he's an R&B singer. Haha. I know. Here's his new single. Haha. Stop it, wait, we're getting to the point here. So anyhow, Chet Haze is active on Twitter, for the fans. If you haven't been reading in the past few days, you've missed out, yo:

Hundreds of passengers had to be rescreened and at least eight flights were delayed after a TSA agent at New York's JFK airport accidentally let people pass through an unplugged metal detector.

Earlier this month, a flack named Stephanie Harnett—who worked for Mercury Public Affairs, and whose client was Wal-Mart—was caught posing as a reporter to sneak into an anti-Wal-Mart event in Los Angeles. She was fired soon after we published the story, and both Wal-Mart and Mercury decried her actions. The firm said that Harnett was not acting on their orders. (Later, a different former PR person who worked on Wal-Mart's behalf told us that she had been instructed to use similar tactics by her own firm.)

Ed Shadid, the cousin of dead New York Times foreign correspondent Anthony Shadid, caused a stir over the weekend when he claimed in a speech that Anthony pre-emptively blamed the Times for his death in Syria, telling his wife: "If anything happens to me, I want the world to know that the New York Times killed me." In an interview with Gawker, the surviving Shadid confirms the account and says the Times knew a trip to Syria was too dangerous, but sent him anyway.

The Domino King of YouTube, HRH FlippyCat, spent 11 hours (over the course of several days) piecing together a 7,067-domino-strong replica of Vincent van Gogh's iconic oil-on-canvas, "The Starry Night."

Here is a picture of a man in an Elmo suit being carted away from Central Park Zoo in an ambulance yesterday. Visitors complained that he'd been wandering the park, screaming obscene anti-semitic rants.

Lending further credence to the maxim that everybody's a DJ now, Paris Hilton kicked off her highly unanticipated world DJing tour in Brazil over the weekend, playing an hour-long set for a potentially coerced audience in Sao Paulo.

We joke around a lot in a good-natured fashion about how recent graduates of law school are fucked up, down, and sideways. "You guys are just straight fucked," we often say (joshingly). Well—imagine our surprise when we found out that, in fact, recent graduates of law school really are fucked. Yikes! Touchy subject.

Nearly two decades after being crowned Playboy's Playmate of the Year, Jenny McCarthy returns to the publication that first exposed her to the world with an 8-page nude pictorial in the magazine's upcoming "massive summer double issue."

On a recent visit to YouTube, Brady Haran, AKA Numberphile, took it upon himself to finally answer the one question that has been bugging Internet users since time immemorial: Why the hell does the YouTube view counter freeze at 301?

Below, we're talking with Vikram Gandhi, who went undercover as a guru, gained a following and made a film about it. Watch the trailer above, read more about the movie in our announcement post and fire away below.

Recent reports by the Committee for Human Rights in North Korea estimate that some 200,000 people may be currently imprisoned in one of North Korea's infamous concentration camps, and that as many as 400,000 may have perished in these vast compounds as a result of torture, execution, and the inhumane condition inmates are subjected to on a regular basis.

If you haven't read any of the vicious reviews for Aaron Sorkin's The Newsroom—that heartwarming new HBO show about a rich white man who finally finds the COURAGE to be an opinionated dipshit on TV—go read them. They're a hater's delight (Dan Rather's excepted), and they must have gotten under Aaron Sorkin's onion peel-thin skin, because he took time over the weekend to be a complete asshole to Toronto Globe and Mail writer Sarah Nicole Prickett. But before insulting her, he of course had to make a grand statement about WRITING and about WHAT AARON SORKIN THINKS OF THE WORLD TODAY:

Fabulously wealthy CEO whisperer and newspaper columnist Thomas Friedman is little more than a human-shaped random word generator programmed with the "Computers and Internet" section of a fourth-grade vocabulary textbook and fitted with a mustache. He writes one single column, sometimes using different proper nouns or cycling through slightly new platitudes, in order to allow a new headline to be written. The Only Thomas Friedman Column That Exists—which ran right on schedule yesterday—opens like this:

Appearing on the Today Show for the second time in as many working days, the elderly bus monitor who last week fell victim to the cruel taunts of middle school children from upstate New York finally opened up on her plans for the nearly $650,000 that have been raised so far through Indiegogo.com, ostensibly to send her on the "vacation of a lifetime."

A Central Florida man who was arrested last week was so out of control that Volusia County Sheriff's deputies couldn't get him to sit still for his mug shot — and were forced to hold his head in place.

California, the doomed and sun-scorched absurdity ruled by Bloods, Crips, Mickey Mouse, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, will sink into the thirsty lips of the merciless ocean by century's end, according to scientists. The time to flee is now.

28-year-old Del Taco employee Gabriel Villalba of Southern California was arrested last Thursday for allegedly stabbing a customer who complained about his order.