“Jeb Bush is my son,” Barbara Bush seems to acknowledge in a 35-second commercial released Friday—and just in time for Jeb’s birthday!

Hillary Clinton delivered a rousing five-minute speech at a rally yesterday in Iowa, thrilling fans who were only there to see Demi Lovato anyway. And the reviews are in:

It’s getting colder and colder and no one’s taking them seriously anyway, so it’s little wonder that this week, Head Oregon Militia Idiot Ammon Bundy opened negotiations with the FBI.

A judge has ruled that Walmart must offer to rehire 16 workers that the company illegally fired in 2013 after they participated in a strike at Walmart headquarters. Stop acting like Walmart, Walmart.

On Wednesday, the Archdiocese of New York announced, through its official newspaper, that Father Richard Gorman, the archdiocese’s director of prison chaplains, as well as a prominent local political leader, was suspended after being accused of sexually abusing minors 30 years ago.

Oh man, this changes everything! Just kidding.

This kid has better stage presence than Jeb.

A grand jury in Georgia has indicted DeKalb County Police Officer Robert Olsen on felony murder charges, WSB-TV reports. Olsen shot and killed 27-year-old Air Force veteran Anthony Hill, naked and unarmed, outside an apartment complex in Chamblee, Georgia, last year.

This afternoon, the Environmental Protection Agency accepted the resignation of Susan Hedman, who as Region 5 administrator oversaw the section of the country that includes Flint, Mich.

Daniel Wessel, press secretary for Clinton super PAC Correct the Record, is giving journalists “off the record” story pitches and tips, the Burlington Free Press reports. Has Correct the Record (or another PAC!) tried to pull this with you? Let us know: tips@gawker.com or brendan.oconnor@gawker.com.

On Thursday afternoon, in Jamaica, Queens, a cow escaped from a slaughterhouse. It was scheduled to die on Friday. If you wanted to anthropomorphize, you might imagine that it was fleeing for its life. We wouldn’t recommend it, though, because it got caught, and is going to die anyway.

In an early contender for the greatest coming out of 2016, Tory MP Crispin Blunt told the House of Commons on Wednesday, “I use poppers. I out myself as a popper user.” It’s moments like these that make being a gay guy with a jackhammering pulse, spotty vision, and brain full of dicks just a little bit easier.

The president of Oberlin College says he “will not respond directly” to a list of “unmalleable demands” from students—demands that include specific faculty members that the students insist be promoted, granted tenure, or fired. Damn. It would have been awesome if that shit had worked.

There’s a blizzard coming! (Again.) People are freaking out! (Again.) And thank god for that. In situations like this, constant, irrational panic is your best course of action. Because do you know what happens to people who think everything’s going to turn out fine? Why don’t we ask a hungry little group called The Donner Party.

Ever since commissioner Bill Bratton took command of the NYPD in 2014, the department has placed special focus on arresting people who commit small crimes like public urination and panhandling. If a widely supported new legislation package in City Council is any indication, that may soon change. Get your pee on! Because this is excellent news.

In two letters drafted yesterday, Governor Kate Brown of Oregon requested direct and immediate help from the White House and Department of Justice to end the militia standoff in her state, calling them “armed criminals” and “[insisting] on a swift resolution” to the occupation.

In December 1950, Woody Guthrie signed his name to the lease of a new apartment in Brooklyn. Even now, over half a century later, that uninspiring document prompts a double-take.

Stephen Schwarzman, a private equity billionaire who threw himself a zillion-dollar birthday party during the recession and compared raising taxes on the rich to Hitler’s invasion of Poland, has a question: why are people in America so mad these days?