Staffers at Indonesia's Taru Jurug zoo are hoping that moving Tori the orangutan away from visitors will help curb a decade-old smoking habit that has become a full-blown addiction.

Tomas Lopez was hailed as a hero by many after he rushed to save a swimmer from drowning at Florida's Hallandale Beach earlier this week. But for his sense of duty, the 21-year-old was rewarded with a pink slip.

Mitt Romney is getting hosed. Admittedly not in an existentially threatening way, like watching his job get sent to Bangalore while a good health plan evaporates in front of him. But he's still getting hosed—in conservative media, of all places.

Jesse Jackson's talentless son Junior has just enough talent—none!—to be a congressman based exclusively on who his daddy is. And pursuant to the grand tradition of congressional scions, he seems to have disappeared on a bender and ended up in detox.

A Queens man who broke into rap mogul Sean Combs' East Hampton house this past spring, tried on his clothes, and drank his Hpnotiq has just been charged with trespassing and petit larceny, The New York Post reports.

Eric "The CandyMan" Nash recently introduced the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica to his "enhanced" take on Michael Jackson's iconic Moonwalk — the Super Moonwalk.

Prosecutors called William Lynch a vigilante for beating up a Jesuit priest accused of sexually abusing him and his brother nearly 40 years ago, but the jury sided with the defendant and acquitted him of felony assault and elder abuse.

Slater's 50/50 is a trinity of Southern California burger joints best known for its eponymous 50/50 burger: 50% ground beef, 50% ground bacon.

In the latest installment of their ongoing web series "Elders React," The Fine Brothers expose members of the Greatest Generation to dubstep by way of Skrillex and ask them how it makes them feel.

Arizona, the worst state in the country, is such a terrible place that even the two-year olds have turned to drink. When Valerie Marie Topete saw her two-year old son reaching for her pitcher of beer while the two were dining in a pizzeria in Phoenix, she did what any sane mother would do: she filled the toddler's sippy cup with delicious, cold suds. If your child was facing such an obviously awful existence, would you have acted differently? Not me. Well, sure enough some teetotaling, probably concealed-gun toting narc took it upon himself to snitch to the police, who not only arrested Ms. Topete but also had the nerve to take away the tot's beer. Now Topete is being held on suspicion of child abuse. And, from the AP report, "Police didn't know if she has a lawyer." Of course they don't know, because police in Arizona are know-nothing monsters. Anyway, if you guys want to start a Kickstarter to get her out of jail, let's move to the comments.

For those of us with family members prone to quasi-racist, half-coherent Thanksgiving dinner rants, it's a relief to know the rich and famous sometimes go through the same thing. Celebrities: they're just like us. Brad Pitt's mom is apparently just such a loon, although she's more of the letter-to-the-editor kind, which is dying art these days and should be applauded with a slow, cautious clap. Anyway, Jane Pitt, Brad and Doug's mother, wrote a letter to The Springfield News-Leader which, amongst other things, says:

Above is a video of awesomely-named Colombian drug dealer Fritanga, or Fry-Up, (nee Camilo Torres) being arrested at his Caribbean wedding on Sunday. The wedding, which cost Fry-Up an estimated $1.41 million, was set to last a full week and featured various Colombian entertainers (including the appropriately named band, Los Mortal Combat) and soap opera stars, all of whom were forced to lie facedown on the ground as the arrest was made. Fry-up's model wife, whom he'd just married minutes before, was in tears as they lead her new husband away.

Several months after a nearly unanimous decision by the LA City Council to make condom use mandatory for all LA-based porn shoots, a similar measure is headed to the ballots in Los Angeles County in November. If passed, the ordinance would expand the city's regulations, which doesn't cover shoots inside of movie studios; the county's initiative would include all shoots showing sex and/or explicit nudity. Some 370,000 people signed the petition to qualify the initiative for the ballot, almost 140,000 more than the 232,000 required.

US Border Patrol Agents in Arizona celebrated America's then-upcoming birthday in the best way they know how: by being Constitution-abusing dicks. 96-year old Raul Castro, who served not only as Governor of Arizona (the only Latino governor Arizona has ever had, natch) but also a former US ambassador to Bolivia, El Salvador and Argentina, was on his way to a birthday party last month when he was detained by the Border Patrol for an estimated 30-45 minutes at a check point 22 miles away* from the Mexican border for giving off "possible" trace levels of radiation. Even after being told who Castro was and that the radiation was most likely from a medical procedure Castro received the day before, the Border Patrol insisted that the former Governor, who was wearing a suit, leave his air-conditioned car and stand inside a roadside tent, in temperatures nearing 100 degrees, while they tried to determine exactly what kind of dirty bomb the nonagenarian was smuggling. After deciding that the well-decorated public servant wasn't some illegal immigrant planning on blowing up Flagstaff, the Border Control let Castro and his friend/driver go.

Maryland-based hacker collective Unallocated Space demonstrate the latest version of their homemade fan-powered Fire Tornado rig at last month's Baltimore Reddit Meetup.

Live! with Kelly could soon be transforming into an extended Saturday Night Live skit in which the two flirtiest daytime talkshow hosts on the planet try to get through a single episode without stripping down and fucking one another right there on the soundstage in front of wildlife expert Peter Gros, if a pervasive Internet rumor is to be believed: Showbiz411 reports that SNL's Seth Meyers is the frontrunner to join the show this fall as Kelly Ripa's permanent cohost.

The hilariously undignified right wing conspiracy reaction to the news of that seventeen year old Georgia kid's public defection from the right wing conspiracy got me thinking: could the radical right's time-honored Tween Indoctrination traditions actually start to backfire? Because if so, here's a worthy nomination for the next big victim of "Krohn's Syndrome": Dorian "Libertarian Lolita" Gomberg a.k.a. Dorian Electra, who was "first introduced to the ideas of liberty in the ninth grade" and still purports to be "intimidated by the awesomeness" of her internship in the preeminent rap video production wing of the Koch Brothers reality denialism empire.

Marcel Pohl, a student at The School of Economics and Management in Essen, Germany, says he couldn't believe it when he found out the university was suing him for graduating with a master's degree after just three semesters.

Here's Nelly Furtado's second attempt to launch her The Spirit Indestructible album (due in September) following the flop of its first single, "Big Hoops (The Bigger the Better)." You don't win friends with freestyle and her voice sounds accordingly unwieldy and shrill. That said, nothing says freestyle quite like balmy summer days, and for that reason alone, this one is doing it for me.

The 90-minute, needlessly 3D documentary Katy Perry: Part of Me is a fantastic document of how guarded our superstars come in 2012. There's more revealed about Madonna in a single snort or eye roll in 1991's Truth or Dare than there is Katy Perry in the entirety of Part of Me. We learn that being a famous singer is Perry's childhood dream come true, that her goal is to make people smile, that she's not yet ready for kids. The biggest revelation is that she looks fantastic out of makeup, and if the words in her Proactive commercial are true, even that shouldn't come as a surprise. No warts at all.