Action hero Kiefer Sutherland pines his high school crush Susan Glenn in a brooding Wes Anderson-esque spot for Axe Body Spray.

For centuries, Americans have strutted about boldly as masters of our natural domains. Forest? Clear it. River? Dam it. Lake? Drain it. Endangered species? See if it is tasty when covered in Cheez™. We have comported ourselves as gods, and expected that the rest of the world would bow to our haughty demands. So this summer, as your lawn withers and your faucets run dry and your neighbors arm themselves for the coming Water Wars, rest assured: we deserve this drought.

Twee indie duo Jack Conte and Nataly Dawn — AKA Pomplamoose — have apparently resolved to lay waste to the World Wide Web and bring an end to civilization as we know it.

At last night's exhibition game between the American and Brazilian basketball teams, First Couple Barack and Michelle Obama were thrust into the long and storied tradition of forced Public Display of Affection when they appeared on the Verizon Center's Kiss Cam.

Dr. Thomas Michael Dixon, an Amarillo plastic surgeon with not terrible online ratings ("Very Good" at scheduling appointments, says healthgrades.com), allegedly hired a hitman to murder another doctor, who had been dating Dixon's ex-girlfriend. According to reports, Dixon paid David Shepard three silver bars, worth roughly $3000 each, to murder Dr. Joseph Sonnier III, the chief pathologist at Convenant Health in Lubbock.

If you were, say, a world-class athlete, or anyone who had just spent twenty-hours on a plane not including customs and security, the thing you'd most want to do after leaving the airport is get lost, right?

Kitty Wells, best known for her 1952 hit, "It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels," died today from complications from a stroke. She was 92.

On Monday, 83-year-old Edith Windsor asked the Supreme Court to review her legal challenge of the Defense of Marriage Act, which Windsor originally filed in 2010. Windsor, who has a heart condition, seeks to by-pass the U.S. Court of Appeals, who are set to hear the case in September. The New York district court has already ruled in Windsor's favor.

Just over a year ago, we broke the story of Silk Road, the underground online market that's like an eBay for illegal drugs. It's been thriving ever since. But as the summer drags on, Silk Road users are becoming increasingly paranoid over a series of unexplained disappearances. And the Drug Enforcement Agency has now revealed it's investigating the site. Is Silk Road really as invincible as it seems?

Hapless troll Mitt Romney's attempt to retaliate against Obama's anti-Romney "Firms" commercial, which absolutely destroyed Romney, was thwarted earlier today when BMG blocked the video because it used parts of Obama singing Al Green's "Let Stay Together."

Life in business class is better. You get to board first, so you can sneer at the tired, disheveled proles as they walk through the cabin with their sick children and burlap sacks full of poor person food. You receive free drinks, which is always the best. You have more leg room, making it easier to pass out after downing your Ambien and/or Xanax (chasing them with your free champagne, naturally). But that's not all: if you fly business class on Delta from Amsterdam to Atlanta, you also get sandwiches with needles in them.

So it's come to this.

WKRN-TV in Nashville reports that police arrested 37-year-old Henry Baxter for the murder of his adoptive father last Friday, but that's not the weird part.

Google VP Marissa Mayer has appeared in Vogue and Glamour; she shut down a good portion of San Francisco in order to install a massive Dale Chihuly glass sculpture in her home, where she hosted legendary ragers. Now, after 13 years at Google, she's been tapped as CEO of drab content chum bucket Yahoo.

World-renowned large-penis-haver Jonah Falcon was reportedly stopped by a TSA agent at San Francisco International Airport and asked about the "very noticeable" bulge in his pants.

Last week, Ralph Lauren, the official outfitter of the U.S. Olympic team, released the first images of the team's uniforms for the opening ceremonies of the 2012 games.

New Yorker editor David Remnick, who really is a mighty fine journalist in his own right and who has shepherded his magazine through an extended period of excellence, is a man whose opinions on matters journalistic should be paid heed. Except for his opinion about that twee little pastry fetishist Francophile yuppie shit, Adam Gopnik.

Police in Chicago say two teens took turns recording video on a cell phone while a third teen brutally beat a disabled man to death.

O.G. Chicago house vocalist Robert Owens teams up with retro-obsessed UK producer Mark E for something as idealistic and late-night uplifting as a Trax original. Lovely.

Unhappy about his 15-year-old's predilection for "10-year-old pair of pants," one angry dad doesn't hold back in scolding his son for trying to leave the house wearing extra-tight skinny jeans.