Lose Hours of Your Life Finding Your Olympic "Body Matches" On The BBC Website

Caity Weaver · 07/31/12 11:37AM

One of the most frustrating things about watching the Olympics is knowing that you personally, would definitely be up there winning mad gold medals if only your mom hadn't let you quit gymnastics in third grade/refused to buy you a bow and arrow in fourth grade/failed to encourage you to pursue discus-throwing as a hobby two years outside of college/etc.

Now Is the Time to Buy a Private Jet

Hamilton Nolan · 07/31/12 10:32AM

Yes, we know that we advised you all to avoid buying private jets during the recession, lest you suffer some bad PR. And hundreds of millions of you listened to us, judging from the number of non-jet owners out there! But things have changed: now is the time to buy a private jet, everyone. Do not miss this buying opportunity!

How North Korea Turned a Missing Dutch Tourist Into a Pro-North Korean Columnist

Adrian Chen · 07/31/12 10:06AM

Last year, Dutch stamp dealer Willem van der Bijl was arrested and imprisoned during a trip to buy posters and stamps in North Korea, alarming relatives in the Netherlands. Perhaps even more alarming was when he appeared in the pages of a state-run newspaper extolling the virtues of the DPRK's elections. Now, one year later, we have the full story of how van der Bijl became an involuntary North Korean propagandist. It's a bit more complicated than "They said they were going to kill me if I didn't."

Subway's Mysterious Olympic Avocado Graph Explained

Max Read · 07/31/12 09:51AM

If you've been watching a lot of NBC's Olympics coverage, you've probably seen this Subway commercial. "Try avocado on any sub," beseeches winter Olympian Apolo Ohno. And then this graph appears on the screen. What does this graph mean?

Report: Yes, You Are Guilty of Child Abuse

Hamilton Nolan · 07/31/12 09:20AM

Guilt: are you carrying enough of it? Likely not. Do you even care about your children? You don't, do you? Don't lie—that's another thing to feel guilty about A new report has finally pinpointed exactly how much abuse you—whether through negligence, malice, or just some other vague action you didn't even think twice about—have inflicted on your poor, innocent children: a lot, probably.

Man Says Penis Robbers Made Away with His Member

Neetzan Zimmerman · 07/31/12 09:13AM

The resident of a small village near the eastern Chinese city of Wenling claims he was asleep in bed when a posse of robbers broke into his home and stole his penis.