There comes a time, in every man's life, when he's gotta handle shit up on his own. Can't depend on friends to help you in a squeeze. Please—they got problems of their own. These words are just as true now as they were minutes ago, when I stole them from a Pharcyde song.

If you're a woman in this patriarchal world of ours (I imagine), sometimes you start feeling like you'll never get a fair shake. Like you'll always be subjected to the capricious whims of sexism. Like you should just give up. Well, ladies, take heart in the results of a new study: you're absolutely right.

"Your Jewish friend" Sarah Silverman is still on her political kick, this time setting her sights (literally) on voter ID laws and their potential to disenfranchise millions of voters — especially those likely to vote for the incumbent.

Here's Paris Hilton's inevitable apology for getting caught saying that gays are "disgusting" and "probably have AIDS", via GLAAD:

Lindsay Lohan is back in a tailor-made Lifetime movie (see what I did there?) about Elizabeth Taylor's rocky relationship with her fifth (and sixth) husband, Hollywood icon Richard Burton (played by True Blood's Grant Bowler).

Rough day for idiotic morning show, Fox & Friends. Just hours after Gretchen Carlson and company were confused by a three-year old picture of Obama with a pirate, Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update Thursday tore into the show, mocking both its blatant Romney favoritism and its issues with accuracy. In the skit, the "hosts" defend Mitt Romney, played by Jason Sudeikis, as he stumbles through a series of hidden camera blunders. Then, at the end, fake Gretchen Carlson, played by Vanessa Bayer, said there were "one or two corrections from the first two hours of the show." Those corrections, in convenient GIF form:

Ann Romney gave a wonderfully delusional interview on Radio Iowa today on behalf of her husband's campaign, which, as we all know, is going super well right now. Thankfully, Ann was able to do her part to contribute. To her husband's detractors within the Republican party, she had this to say:

According to a recent class action lawsuit, Bank of America has been illegally withdrawing money from bank accounts set up for child actors. Apparenty, there's a statute called Coogan's Law, named after a former child actor who would later play Uncle Fester on the original "Adams Family," which requires employers to set aside 15 percent of a child actors' gross pay in a trust that's only accessible once the kid turns 18.

So it seems that in order to promote their 43rd season, the PR people over at Sesame Street have been recklessly booking all of their cracked-out muppets on (for the most part) already intolerable television shows. Consequently, America's best and brightest TV personalities were forced to interact with furry, 3-foot-tall, talking, moving stuffed animals that can't even appear on camera without some sort of table or podium concealing all of their sticks and wires.

Remember the rogue Amish group that forcibly cut the beards and hair off of rival Amish groups? Today, leader Samuel Mullet Sr. and fifteen of his followers were convicted on charges of federal conspiracy and hate crimes.

So, yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day, and the president's social network team decided to join the parrrrty by tweeting a 2009 photo of Obama pretend-meeting with a pirate — actually speechwriter Cody Keenan in costume — "for use in the President's humorous speech to the White House Correspondents Association dinner."

Great news if you've recently entered the market to buy a moon rock that is big but not too big; the fourth-largest moon rock in the world (available for private purchase) has just been put up for auction.

At least that's what it was.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

What is Honey Boo Boo, if not America's greatest public intellectual? And what is Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, if not an audiovisual genealogy of continental philosophy? And what is the internet for, if not GIFs that combine high culture and low culture to reveal the instability at such a binary's heart, and also for cheap laughs?

A drunk, high, fool of a lady has been sentenced to 122 days in pirate prison (aka regular prison), after stealing a boat and demonstrating to everyone just how dangerous, unstable, and incompetent Captain Jack Sparrow would be if he existed real life.

I feel like I have a new favorite house song of the year every week, but this really could be it. Hot Chip's Joe Goddard transforms his band's flimsy original into something that rocks so fucking hard, while staying nice and uplifting. Virtually every sound in this thing is pleasing.

Last Friday, French gossip magazine Closer published a series of photographs of Kate Middleton sunbathing topless. Yesterday morning, police in Paris raided the publication's offices of Closer magazine, searching the building and inspecting the staff's computers in an attempt to find the name of the photographer. And today, the photos were printed, for the fourth and fifth time, respectively, in Sweden and Denmark.

26-year-old Joshua Scott Albert is finally shutting up. "My attorney said don't say anything to anyone at all," Albert told me on the phone yesterday. "He said don't talk to your mother, although my mother's been dead since I've been 12." Albert should take his advice. He's currently in about as much trouble as you can be for saying things.

Just because Chick-fil-A stopped giving to groups with "political agendas" doesn't mean its president did. Predictable.