Soon, NYC taxi roof lights on will mean "available," and off will mean "not available." Now, both mean "fuck you."

Well, it's as good as official: It looks like Rihanna and Chris Brown are back in each other's arms after an early November denial by RiRi that the two had reunited.

Last week on Black Friday, we asked you to suggest gifts for cat caretakers who post their feline friends on Instagram, but aren't stereotypically sad lonely weirdos. Many of you were too busy buying cases of discounted Furbies or doing something stupid with your families and didn't bother to help us and I'll have you know my cat is seriously pissed. But those of you who did offer us help, here's a note of gratitude from my cat: ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc43df jmy6 RT n09t69.* nm2œΩ3yyyyyyyyy45 uyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. <—-That's real by the way.

As our wonderful presidential debates constantly reminded us, China is the biggest foreign threat to American world domination since Usain Bolt or something. I don't know, I don't remember the debates. Do you remember the debates? Pouches full of something, am I right? Anyway, China is going to ruin us and our children and our children's children because they simply do things better than us. That now includes political sex scandals, which means we're really in trouble.

Because someone will sue you, and you'll be forced to pay it.

This is the kind of shit that happens when you're Lindsay Lohan. You go to a club and get into a fight with a "well-known psychic," who you then punch in the face. Also you call her a "fucking gypsy," because white, coked-out socialites can't help but be a little racist. Yes, Tiffany Mitchell, the woman who Lohan was arrested for decking at Club Avenue last night, approached Lohan in order to tell Lohan her fortune, or whatever it is "psychics" do.

It's nearly December, which means we should have resurrected the long and bitter War on Christmas weeks ago. For shame Bill O'Reilly, you're better than this tardiness.

Bad-ass vigilantes have a new hero today. Her name is Sonya Yu. She spends her days taking pictures of food and also criminals—OUT—with unconventional weaponry.

Singer-not-rapper Chris Brown is on the cover of XXL's December/January issue, because everyone in the hip-hop industry is obligated to embrace Brown with open arms because he will make them a bunch of money. Last weekend, Brown managed to out-awful awful Twitter comedian Jenny Johnson by saying, amongst other things, that he was going to shit on her retina per his mom's orders. This latest outburst of violent threats from Brown once again turned the spotlight on his rage issues, unrepentance for having viciously beat Rihanna and general horribleness.

Canada's National Post and the AP note a photograph, posted to link-sharing website Reddit, of failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney visiting a McDonald's sometime yesterday. "Mitt Romney loves his McDonald's and has said so on many occasions," the article reads.

Bo Obama, the First Family's loyal Portuguese Water Dog, conducts "a final inspection of the 2012 White House Christmas decorations before 90,000 visitors come through the doors of the People's House this holiday season."

Twitter typos are way worse when you're Tweeting as the United Nations.

A Beijing-based model was sentenced earlier this week to nine months in jail for impersonating a police officer after she posted several photos of herself dressed in a revealing police uniform to a social networking site.

We've called him a "seed-spilling sex creep," a "pale nerd king," and "a real-life The Matrix extra," so we figured it was about time to talk to Wikileaks founder and megalomaniacal Bond villain Julian Assange. In order to promote his new book, Cypherpunks: Freedom and the Future of the Internet, Assange agreed to a phone interview on the condition that we speak only about the book. I agreed, which was a lie.

The U.N. General Assembly has voted to grant Palestine "non-member observer state" status. The U.S. and Israel opposed.

Flick some cigarette ash into your Red Bull and knock it back in one big shot: we're about to go deep cut Lindsay Lohan drama.

This week, Chris Carter and Cosey Fanni Tutti released what would have been the final album from industrial music's parents Throbbing Gristle were it actually allowed to be called a Throbbing Gristle album. Desertshore/The Final Report features one disc of covers of the 1970 album by Velvet Underground collaborator Nico (that'd be Desertshore) and one of new, original material. It does not, however, include any contributions from former TG frontman (/people) Genesis P-Orridge, who left the group (or was forced out, depending on who's telling the story) in 2010. This is a point of contention — its release caused a Twitter spat between Carter and P-Orridge. P-Orridge called for its boycott; Chris and Cosi pressed on, regardless. If this double album, which features their last work with Peter "Sleazy" Christopherson (who died in 2010), counts as revenge, then it's a bizarre piece of revenge fit for Throbbing Gristle: an arid take on a cult album by Nico that features on vocals the likes of porn's Sasha Grey, Enter the Void director Gaspar Noé and Antony Hegarty. I bet if P-Orridge weren't so close to it, s/he would appreciate it.

A weeks-long investigation by a interdepartmental task force into criminal activity involving the mayor of a northern Kentucky town concluded last night after he was arrested for allegedly selling marijuana to a police informant.

The Economist Intelligence Unit has ranked its list of the best countries to be born in in 2013. That's exciting for a number of fetuses out there, whose impending entrance into the world might just be made in the number one best place.

Lawrence Mitchell is the dean of Case Western Reserve University's law school, ranked #67 by US News, not that a doctor of jurisprudence like Lawrence Mitchell would concern himself with pedestrian matters such as his law school's low, low ranking. No—Lawrence Mitchell is concerned with more elevated matters, such as the wanton meanness of mean people who say mean things about law school. Have persons no respect?