The New York City Department of Health has released its quarterly STD report. The takeaway here: everyone has chlamydia.

The official unemployment rate fell to 7.7% last month. But that number is misleading. The percentage of workers who are actually considered to be "participating" in the labor force is now hovering around a three-decade low. Persistent, extended, unrelenting unemployment is now a fact of life for millions of Americans. Every week, we bring you true stories of unemployment, from the unemployed themselves. This is what's happening out there.

Everyone knows that after the sun sets on another sizzling Miami day is when things really start to heat up, dale.

You've probably never heard of Manwin or Fabian Thylmann, but chances are good you've spent some quality time with their products. Manwin is a multimillion-dollar, international porn giant that owns more than 35 properties, including popular brands like YouPorn, PornHub and Brazzers. Now its owner, who has built a reputation as a skilled, ruthless businessman has been arrested in Belgium under suspicion of tax evasion.

Scientology damages people. For proof, look no further than this bizarre anti-Scientology rap produced by a who's who of prominent apostate members of the cult—from its former top spokesman to Tom Cruise's former confessor to Cruise's Xenu-approved ex-girlfriend. It's like the We Are the World of the anti-Scientology movement.

Controversial University of Texas at Austin law professor Lino Graglia gave an interview to the BBC in which he claims, among other things, that blacks and Latinos can't compete with white students, particularly because of the fact that so many of them are raised in single-parent households. Graglia's interview was related to the fact, as we've told you, UT is currently in a battle with a white student it rejected who claims that the school's affirmative action program is to blame for her having to go to a second-rate college.

This ridiculous person is a cast member of TLC's Real Houswives rip-off Sin City Rules, which premiered last night. I prefer Real Housewives rip-offs to the actual thing because they manage to be even more visibly pretentious and lower-rent. Through lies come honesty.

Today on The View, things got a little saucy when Emmy Award winner/lady in the street/freak in the sheets Barbara Walters started to share a story about her own forays into the world of 50 Shades of Grey:

Ever since we started reporting on important fruit issues, a lot of desperate biters out there are talking about fruit. Look, let's put this whole fruit discussion to rest so that we can get back to more important matters. Here is the definitive ranking of fruits.

Choosing the most obnoxious internet memes of the year is hard; it's like the opposite of choosing your favorite child: They're all the most obnoxious! Still, we must at least attempt to separate the annoying wheat from the even more annoying chafe. Presenting the most annoying memes of 2012.

Who doesn't love the Ikea Monkey — the seven-month-old Rhesus Macaque found wandering around a Toronto Ikea yesterday in a shearling coat? ("His favorite," apparently, according to his previous owners who were relieved of him following the Ikea incident.) Everyone loves the Ikea Monkey, which is why Ikea Monkey is now a meme. Here are some of the best Ikea Monkey memes.

Kevin Clash may no longer be shoving his hand deep inside Elmo on a regular basis, but he continues to teach America's children how to count.

Girls, Lena Dunham's little corner of the big old world became a must-watch situation for HBO earlier this year. Girls came, girls went, girls lost their pants and lost their shit. The adventures of Hannah, Jessa, Marnie, and Shoshanna (and their various bosses, parents, hookups, husbands, gynecologists, and the like) lend themselves quite nicely to Internet memedom.

In an outcome that seemed inevitable as soon as news broke of Kate Middleton's nurse's suicide, Southern Cross Austereo has announced the "termination" of the radio program that aired the prank call to King Edward VII Hospital in London.

During the Cold War, the U.S. Army pursued a research program that used soldiers as lab rats to test the effects of various chemical agents—ranging "from tear gas and LSD to highly lethal nerve agents, like VX." As a huge class action suit against the government by those who were experimented upon nears its trial date, the New Yorker has dropped a huge piece full of details on just how much crazy shit our military was doing in a single secret facility in Maryland.

Over the weekend, the Australian DJs whose prank call to Kate Middleton's hospital is being blamed for the suicide of the Duchess' nurse sat down to give their first public statements since news of the death broke.

How much longer must we go on, receiving insulting nicknames on our receipts, before congress steps in and Does Something? The latest in this national tragedy: a restaurant bill that called three customers "fat girls."

Mike Bloomberg, who can buy anything he wants except the WSJ or NYT, is considering buying the FT. Consolation prize.

A seven-year-old boy was killed over the weekend when a handgun his father was trying to sell accidentally discharged in the parking lot of Twig's Reloading Den, a gun store in East Lackawannock, Penn.

"The definition of a college president is someone who lives in a big house and begs for money," goes an old line that college presidents like to say to appear self-deprecating. Fortunately, college presidents are very well compensated for their efforts.