When lifelong Billy Joel fan Michael Pollack stood up to ask his childhood idol a question during the Piano Man's recent Q&A at Vanderbilt University, he had no idea the answer would stay with him for the rest of his life.

If you're a hip and trendsetting young urban affluencer like me, you can hardly count how many times you've purchased a new brand of bottled water, only to be disappointed with its lack of that... certain something. "I dunno, this just takes like water," you grumble, tossing the disposable plastic bottle onto the mountainous pile of similar empty plastic bottles that have built up in your tastefully decorated apartment, a testament to your restless search for a bottled water brand that speaks to your lifestyle. I am here to tell you that there is finally hope: a bottled water that comes from Brooklyn.

Here is leaked audio of portions of Bradley Manning's statement at Ft. Meade.

There are two kinds of phone users in the world: people who leave voicemails for other people and people who ignore voicemails from other people.

A now-former computer engineering student at Florida State University Panama City has reportedly admitted to "hacking" the school's wireless Internet network, causing all users to be automatically redirected to the infamous shock website meatspin.com.

In the olden days, if you wanted to buy some pants, you'd go to the clothing store (which was the same as the hardware store, and the pharmacy) and pick out some god damn pants, and buy them, and take them home. Now, thanks to wonders of technology, we live in a time when it is possible to go to the clothing store, pick out some god damn pants, and not buy them, because sir—sir?—I'm afraid those aren't for sale.

Roman Catholic cardinals gathered today to start the process of electing a new Pope, kicking off the morning with a solemn Mass and prayers that they would select the right leader. Because these guys are great at symbolism, they will vote in the Sistine Chapel below the painting of the Last Judgment.

Need some brain bleach after that penis peeling story? Dip your cranium into this vat of squee:

A former temp employee at an Orlando-based foam manufacturing plant is suing the company and the temp agency that sent him there after losing his penis and testicles in a horrific onsite accident.

A group of apparently Russian hackers, working on the website "exposed.su," claims to have published the private personal information of—or "doxxed"—17 politicians and celebrities. Victims include Michelle Obama, Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Attorney General Eric Holder, FBI Director Robert Mueller, all of whom had credit reports posted to the website, as well as Hillary Clinton, and Joe Biden, whose social security numbers were published.

Saturday night, undercover NYPD officers opened fire on and killed Kimani Gray, a 16-year-old resident of East Flatbush, Brooklyn. While reports of what exactly happened vary, the NYPD said the plainclothes officers approached a group of men at 11:30 pm, at which point Gray split from the group and reached for his belt in a "suspicious manner." After police reportedly asked to see his hands, the two officers said Gray turned and pointed a .38 pistol at them. The officers then fired 11 rounds at Gray, striking him several times. Gray was later pronounced dead at a nearby hospital. The .38 recovered at the scene was never fired.

The Bud Light Platinum spokesperson and five-time Saturday Night Live host is streaming his long-awaited new album, The 20/20 Experience, on iTunes for free a week before its scheduled release. What do you think? Do you care? Is it better than the mediocre lead-off single "Suit and Tie"? Should he just go back to his overrated acting career? Let's discuss.

Former Senator Scott Brown is going to work at a lobbying firm, but as a lawyer, not a lobbyist. Wink wink.

Clogged arteries, or in scientist talk, "atherosclerosis," has long been associated with our modern, gluttonous ways, including our propensity for smoking and obesity. Americans, naturally, considered such diagnoses a matter of national pride, an example of their freedom to choose. But according to a recent study, this particular form of heart disease was relatively common thousands of years ago, with roughly one third of the ancient mummies examined showing signs of the disease.

It's been almost nine months since Ann Curry's body was roughly shoved into a supply closet marked "FOR EMERGENCIES" at 30 Rockefeller Center, and her former co-host Matt Lauer has just given birth to a whopper of a story about her departure.

A high school teacher in Israel incited a major student protest today after she accidentally emailed several juniors an internal "burn book"-like document containing many disparaging and insulting comments made by the school's teachers about their students.

Caye Caulker, Belize—

Here's everything you need to know about this eminently entertaining video, courtesy of the "big nature nerd/mountain man boss" himself, John Griffith:

There is something about achieving great financial success that seduces people into believing that they are life coaches. This problem seems particularly endemic to the tech millionaire set. You are not simply Some Fucking Guy Who Sold Your Internet Company For a Lot of Money; you are a lifestyle guru, with many important and penetrating insight about How to Live that must be shared with the common people.

Two people were arrested for punching police animals in Key West last week. One victim was a dog and the other a horse.