Fewer people die during economic recessions. So that's something.

"Just Buy a Bike!" the editors of the New York Observer encourage their readers today. That is, if you must ride a bike—and the only reason the Observer editors can think of that you might want to is "to feel morally superior"—you should not participate in the Citi Bike bike share program, inaugurated this week.

Tired of passers-by pissing in the alley behind their locksmith shop, a pair of pranksters from Allentown, PA, decided to install a surprise shower for future would-be public urinators.

For the time being, at least, Reddit appears to have abandoned trying to find real murderers and is now focused on fictional crimes. First up, the surprisingly convincing "Megan Draper as Sharon Tate Theory."

Now that the Crackstarter has closed, you're probably scouring the internet for another worthy cause to crowd-fund. We've found one for you! Zosia Mamet and her sister Clara Mamet, both children of David Mamet, have started a hipster folk band and no one is giving them a penny to make their music video.

Her daughter Kate proves herself a hero every day just by being pretty and pleasant, but recently it was Carole Middleton who brought glory and honor to the Middleton name by yanking some random bitch off the street (not Pippa).

The Red Cross office in Jalalabad is under attack after a suicide bomber blew himself up at the gate of the ICRC while two other insurgents entered the building. So far, six staff members have been rescued safely.

Support for the death penalty among Americans is hovering around a 40-year low. Nevertheless, enthusiastic legislators from Bumfuck all the way to Hickville are taking it upon themselves to help their states execute death row inmates with greater dispatch.

Child actors Dylan and Cole Sprouse spent their formative years printing money for Disney.

Sure, you love the buttery, chemical-y, cholesterol-y flavor of a nice bag of hot, steaming popcorn. But who has the time or cardiovascular stamina to place a bag into the microwave, push a button, and wait up to three minutes?

Philly comic John McKeever of the sketch comedy group Bird Text (The Real Househusbands of Philadelphia) directs his funny friends in a side project skit about how heterosexuality came to be.

When a 73-year-old man with dementia went missing from his Limington, Maine, home, the news team at local ABC affiliate WMTW did their part by traveling to the region to report on his disappearance.

Remember Josh Weed, the Mormon blogger who came out last year as a gay man who's been happily married to a woman for 10 years? He and his wife Lolly told more of their story last night on VH1's I'm Married to A... last night. Josh and Lolly's love bears endless dissection for the questions it raises (specifically those that meet at the uncomfortable intersection of sexuality and agency).

Denise Garrido managed to hold on to her Miss Universe Canada title for a solid 24 hours before officials yanked it away. It seems she was crowned by mistake.

Seeking a job? Who better to turn to for advice than mustachioed simpleton Thomas Friedman, reliable font of platitudinous excreta? Why, Thomas Friedman knows just who to talk to about this...

The tornado apocalypse of 2013 is expected to continue today.

Prehistoric fertility god and former CNN host Larry King is bringing his current show, Tales from the Cryptkeeper, to Russia Today, and adding another show, Politics With Larry King, to the Kremlin-funded cable news and YouTube channel. "I would rather ask questions to people in positions of power, instead of speaking on their behalf," King says in the promo spot.

Michele Bachmann is packing up her trolling operation and marching it out of the House of Representatives: After eight years of faithful service (and now facing an FBI probe) the congresswoman/presidential candidate/Christian/beard has said she won't run for re-election next year.

According to a letter obtained by the Associated Press, the bosses in Al Qaeda are not unlike the managers at your job; lower level terrorists in the group's North African division reportedly have to fill out expense reports, attend meetings, return supervisor's phone calls in a timely fashion, and, of course, produce (terror-inducing and deadly) results.

The new strain of coronavirus is a "a threat to the entire world," according to the director-general of the United Nations' World Health Organization.