In today’s New York Times, mustache ambassador Tom Friedman has a new column about how Donald Trump connects with voters’ guts. Don’t worry, I’ll spare you! More importantly, Friedman used his column to inadvertently invent an entirely new card game.

Today we break from our regularly scheduled programming to check in on Lauren “Lo” Bosworth, the perennial sidekick from Laguna Beach and The Hills. She never achieved the same level of celebrity as Kristin Cavallari or Lauren Conrad or even Audrina Patridge, but lo, she’s still here. And doing ads for Crisco!

According to Greenpeace, radiation levels have actually increased in parts of Ukraine that were contaminated by the 1986 nuclear plant explosion. Key isotopes, such as cesium-137 and strontium-90, are still lingering in the forests.

A federal judge ruled this week that the groundbreaking Supreme Court decision affirming the constitutional right of same-sex couples to marry doesn’t apply to residents of Puerto Rico.

I must confess, when the bro feeding a nacho to his bro at a Donald Trump rally briefly became an object of intense internet fascination this week, I didn’t really “get it.” Now, after reading an incredible interview with one of the bros in question, I feel bad for ever having doubted them.

A significant part of the American news in the past year has featured images of angry protests against racism on college campuses. Don’t tell the college presidents.

Last October, five NYPD officers burst into the Brooklyn apartment of John Antoine, 86, and demanded that he drop the kitchen knife he was using to chop onions, then hit him with a stun gun. Antoine hadn’t done anything wrong. He wasn’t even the guy the cops were looking for. According to an NYPD spokesman, the officer who tasered Antoine should be commended for his “intelligent restraint.”

Just a few weeks ago, West Virginians passed a law overriding the cruel, barbaric raw milk prohibition that’s plagued the state for years. To mark the occasion, these same dairy-loving lawmakers downed what else but a tall glass of milk—raw and dirty just like god intended. In totally unrelated news, a bunch of West Virginia lawmakers are now suffering from a severe stomach illness.

Obama does not give a fuck anymore, according to a White House briefing, and certainly doesn’t care about Nancy Reagan’s funeral. Instead, NBC News reports, he’ll be headed to Texas for the annual horror-confluence of indie music and startup culture known as SXSW.

Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski got physical with Breitbart reporter Michelle Fields last night when she tried to ask Trump a question at a press conference in Florida.

Donald Trump, who phoned in all his scheduled TV appearances yesterday because he reportedly disliked the way he looked, did another round of phone interviews this morning—and why wouldn’t he? All the major networks but CBS are fine with it.

A specific genre of news story that has emerged during this wonderful time on earth is “[place of business] refuses to [render good and/or service] for gay wedding.” You may remember the bakery in Oregon or the bakery in Colorado or the pizzeria in Indiana. This morning, after a 39-hour filibuster, the Missouri Senate tentatively passed a bill that would make the state ground zero for all further instances of boutique shops choosing not to do business with gay people.

In 2008, Ryu En Nam, a North Korean defector, was extradited from Russia and executed. He was tied to the train going back to North Korea. “It was horrible. The train started moving and for as long as he could, Ryu En Nam ran with it,” human rights lawyer Lubov Tataretz said, recalling what a Korean diplomat’s son had told her, a few years after she tried and failed to prevent Ryu En Nam’s extradition. Under a recently signed treaty, the few asylum seekers who manage to escape the hermit kingdom and make it to Russia will be forcibly repatriated, to a country where prison inmates have to burn bodies of those who starve to death and use the remains as fertilizer.

United Airlines is retrofitting 19 of its large planes to “10-abreast seating in economy” class, which currently has nine-abreast seating. Someone please regulate airline seating before we are sitting on the wings.

Remember—oh, you know. That one. The one who ruined that computer company? And then tried to run for president? Yeah, her. She’s officially endorsing Ted Cruz.

The most important news of the day in New York City, according to America’s oldest continuously published daily newspaper: A homeless woman with a lot of shopping carts who hangs out in Hell’s Kitchen. Good to know!

Washington Post opinion columnist and Graham Parsons fan Joe Scarborough writes today that Donald Trump’s hostile takeover of the Republican presidential primaries represents “the end of Ronald Reagan’s fabled coalition that ruled Republican politics for 40 years.”

A man suspected of shooting a pastor connected to Ted Cruz was arrested last night outside the White House. It’s still unclear why he was there, but it seems likely related to his manifesto, which details an alien invasion at the highest levels of government.

Another week is here, and with it, another story about the affluent, techie-infested caricature that San Francisco has become. Hey, assholes: step one to surviving this trying time is to build more fucking housing.

With Marco Rubio’s campaign for the presidency likely drawing its last breaths, the candidate’s focus should be squarely on a single, attainable victory—one that is still well within reach. Not a surprise upset of Donald Trump in Rubio’s home state of Florida, but instead a far more glorious triumph—on the mega-popular reality show Dancing With the Stars.