"Excuse me ladies and gentlemen."

"I am not a monster," is such a monster thing to say.

After two days of deliberation, a jury found former trader Fabrice "Fabulous Fab" Tourre liable on six out of seven counts of fraud on a mortgage deal that cost investors $1 billion when it collapsed in the midst of the financial crisis.

Police in Johnstown, Pennsylvania, say a 12-year-old boy armed with a BB gun robbed a local lemonade stand being run by a group of younger boys.

The Nation publishes a call for racial and economic diversity in journalism; The Nation's interns respond with a letter to the editor asking for better pay. Zing. Well done, interns. (Step three is going to work for a company that makes more money than The Nation.)

Hope and Rose, a pair of adorable English Springer siblings, have been trained by their happy-go-lucky owner to "spin for their dinnertime."

The body of a man who had been missing from his Palatine, Illinois, home for several hours was found crushed inside his building trash compactor. Police say he had been searching for his lost phone at the time of his death.

Here is a brilliantly executed reminder that Guantanamo Bay is still down there, festering.

In November 2012, Liverpool resident Graham Hughes successfully became the first person to ever visit all United Nations member states without flying.

"I had a tail when I was born. It was a tiny tail, about a quarter of an inch, then they chopped it off and stole my tail. That was when I was little. I'm really sad about that story." - Ke$ha, animal

A woman who had her phone stolen while vacationing in Ibiza was given an excellent opportunity to name and shame her victim, but then went and kinda spoiled it by being sorta racist.

America is changing. People these days no longer fly Old Glory, eat apple pie, or take their date a-courtin' before copulation. Instead of mom marrying dad, people are marrying gays, or horses. And our national love affair with TV is being replace by blippity-bloopity-interdigital thingamajiggery.

This morning, perennial candidate Jimmy McMillan—best known for his formidable facial hair and trademark catch phrase-cum-political party—announced his endorsement for beleaguered mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner after a chance encounter at an IHOP in Harlem.

Here is footage of artist Andy Gollub body-painting naked people on 53rd St., and Broadway. He made somebody's foreskin silver, if you're into that sort of thing.

After pleading guilty last week to hundreds of charges, including kidnapping, rape, and murder, Ariel Castro, the man behind the infamous "Cleveland Horror" house, was today sentenced to life in prison.

Bad news: you've been making a horse's ass of yourself for your entire life. The good news is you can read this post, learn the correct, fantastically pretentious way to properly pronounce many typefaces, and then re-enter society.

This morning's birth of a baby on the platform of Washington (DC) Metro's L'Enfant Plaza — Child Plaza! — station practically wrote its own jokes, but hundreds of Twitter users volunteered to transcribe them anyway.

Texas death row inmate Douglas Feldman was executed by lethal injection last night. Last February, Feldman wrote to us as part of our "Letters from Death Row" series; you can read his letter to us here. He is the second one of our death row correspondents to be executed.

There once was a ripped, huge-dicked, extremely attentive, highly organized young man from Australia who was frightfully eager to find the woman of his dreams (within a 50 km radius of his home). To that end, he drafted a 99 page guide (to himself, his life, his future wife; his quirks, his tics, his eleven-inch dick; his orgasms, his bed, his "Fat Cock Head") and emailed it to potential girlfriends in advance of their first date.

The world has 99 problems and women are all of them.