As social media influencers, we here at Gawker.com are, needless to say, widely revered by young urban gang members. It is to the that we offer this public service announcement: stop talking about all your crimes, on the internet. Okay?
Yesterday's Daily News item about the firing of Jay Z and Beyoncé's bodyguard, Norman Oosterbroek, claimed that the 6'5", 280-pound "Dutch giant" was fired after being found "using the family's passports in a lewd act." But it's even worse than you might imagine.
It wasn't irony so much as a stereotypical metaphor, but it was unquestionably worse than rain.
Titanic financial firm JPMorgan Chase posted $6.5 billion in profits during its last quarter—a company record. For lying to multiple governments and its own investors about losses of $6 billion, however, the bank will have to pay just $920 million, or 0.03 percent of its current holdings. With total assets of $2.35 trillion, JPMorgan could pay the same fine every hour for three months, or every day for seven years, before their coffers would run dry.
Everyone has a friend—a terrifying, beautiful friend—who wields humor the way ranchers wield cattle prods; who jokes, and teases, and Just kidding!s her underlings ("BFFs!") toward the cliff-edge of nervous breakdown; whose sadism is impossible to fight against because it's just a joke, why can't you take a joke? Sometimes, that friend gets married.
Margaret Mary Vojtko was a longtime adjunct professor at Duquesne University in Pittsburgh. Earlier this month, she died penniless. She may have an even greater effect in death than in life.
One angry family is swearing off Coca-Cola products for good after finding the words "You Retard" printed underneath the cap of VitaminWater bottle.
In response to Russian President Vladimir Putin's essay in the New York Times opinion section last week, Senator John McCain has penned an op-ed of his own in Russia's Pravda. The essay lives up to its title —"Russians deserve better than Putin"— and offers a scathing view of the Russian president and his government.
Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto told reporters Wednesday that at least 58 people are unaccounted for after a mudslide buried homes in a town near Acapulco. Deadly storms in Mexico, including now-Hurricane Manuel, have already killed 80 people, damaged 35,000 homes, and stranded 40,000 tourists this week.
If you’ve ever wanted to go to McDonald’s and make one giant sandwich out of every sandwich they offer, the good news is that you can as long as you have $140.33. Nick at Dude Foods, who claims that building the McEverything has been the “number one item” on his bucket list for a few years, recently completed this horrifying feat. But why would anyone want a sandwich that combines a fucking Sausage McGriddle, a Big Mac, and a Filet-O-Fish?
Syrian President Bashar Assad sat down for an interview in Damascus on Wednesday with Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich and Fox News’ Greg Palkot. When asked by Kucinich whether or not he had chemical weapons, he responded “it’s not a secret anymore” and said his government will follow the agreement reached between the U.S. and Russia to turn over his chemical weapons.
Rep. Phil Gingrey, in a discussion about Congress losing its subsidized healthcare: "[Congressional aides] may be 33 years old now and not making a lot of money. But in a few years they can just go to K Street and make $500,000 a year. Meanwhile I’m stuck here making $172,000." Gingrey is a millionaire.
On Tuesday, former congressman Dennis Kucinich and Fox News’ senior foreign-affairs correspondent Greg Palkot interviewed Syrian President Bashar Assad in Damascus as part of a special that will air on Fox News Wednesday evening.
