Every Candidate’s Impossible First-Day Agendas, Ranked
With the Iowa caucuses officially kicking off primary voting season, it won’t be long before a brand new butt is working a fresh groove into Obama’s old chair. In preparation, our various candidates are already hard at work making wild schedules for their first day on the job. And each one is more impossible than the last.
First, let’s remember that there are still only 24 hours in a day, some of which will almost surely be spent sleeping. And let’s also remember what George W. Bush did during his first day on the throne:
- Had coffee with his parents
- Spent the day “getting accustomed to his surroundings”
- Took supporters on a tour of his new home
In fact, it’s the very same schedule I had the first day I moved into my freshman college dorm. Obama’s first day checklist, while slightly busier, still just consisted of:
- Read the note left behind by Dubya
- Attended prayer service
- Met with advisors
- Swore-in Cabinet members
- Signed an executive order forbidding White House employees from acting as lobbyists
So with those ambitious day-one agendas in mind, let’s take a look at the proposed agendas of our current candidates, ranked in order from most impossible to least.
1. Ted Cruz will...
- Rescind every single executive order issued by President Obama (which total 184 thus far)
- Open a Department of Justice investigation into Planned Parenthood
- “Rip up” the Iran nuclear deal (which would look something like this)
- Order the IRS to end its “persecution of religious liberty”
- Order the Department of Justice to end its “persecution of religious liberty”
- Move the U.S. embassy in Israel from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem
- Send flowers and condolence notes to “all the editors and reporters who have checked themselves into therapy”
2. Donald Trump will...
- Eliminate gun-free zones at schools and on military bases
- Round up and ship out all 11 million “bad” illegals
- Stop all American companies from continuing to build their products outside of the U.S.
- Have the U.S. Treasury Department declare China a currency manipulator
- Rescind every single executive order issued by President Obama (which total 184 thus far)
3. Jeb Bush will...
- Rescind every single executive order issued by President Obama (which total 184 thus far)
- Repeal Obamacare
- Lift the “regulatory burdens” off of business’s backs
4. Mike Huckabee will...
- Sign an executive order supporting “traditional” marriage and “protecting religious beliefs”
- “Direct the Attorney General to protect religious liberty and aggressively prosecute any violations of First Amendment rights of individuals, businesses, religious organizations, institutions and civil servants, including those who believe in traditional marriage”
5. Rand Paul will...
- Shut down the National Security Agency’s various mass surveillance programs
- Repeal Obama’s environmental regulations
6. Ben Carson will...
7. Marco Rubio will...
8. Carly Fiorina will...
- Make a phone call to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to let him know that he has the U.S.’s support
- Make a phone call to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Iran’s Supreme Leader, to demand that he allow the U.S. to conduct random and unrestricted inspections of Iranian nuclear sites
9. Rick Santorum will...
- “Walk away” from the Iran nuclear deal and “open up all these facilities for inspection”
10. Chris Christie will...
- Sign an executive order decreeing that for the next three months there will be “no more regulation by any government agency or department” [Note: This makes absolutely no sense.]
11. Martin O’Malley will...
- Write an executive order declaring the transition to clean energy the government’s number one priority
12 and 13. Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders...
... have yet to release any first day plans whatsoever. Slackers.
