Hurricane Irene is churning up the East Coast like an angry 17th-century dairy maid. Obama has canceled his vacation to make us feel safe and evacuations are underway in New York City. Here's the latest news, with updates below.

5:21

  • Apparently MSNBC contributor Toure X just called Hurricane Irene a "total bitch." He was trying to be funny, but must have just read the first dumbass hurricane tweet he stumbled upon on his iphone? We'll have video shortly, hopefully.
  • Atlantic City is closing its casinos for just the third time in the city's history. This means the Hurricane is serious, because you do not get between gambling addicts and their video poker. Look for angry elderly people to charge the hurricane with their walkers.
  • Here's a new, terrifying space image of the hurricane.

3:22 pm

  • As of this writing, Hurricane Irene is currently a high-end Category 2 storm off the southern coast of North Carolina, with gusts of wind up to 125 mph. It's expected to make landfall around 8am Sat. morning.
  • Obama has cut his Martha's Vineyard vacation short to personally blow the hurricane off track with his own lungs.
  • NYC has ordered the mandatory evacuation 270,000 low-lying residents in "Zone A," prompting strange inferiority complex among those safely in Zones B, C and "whatever, you'll be fine."
  • If you're flying in the Northeast this weekend, it might be best to go outside with a golf umbrella and let the hurricane blow you away. Hundreds of flights have been cancelled up and down the East Coast.
  • Here's an amazing whole earth shot of Irene from NASA
  • Tonight's Dave Matthews concert is not cancelled!
  • How big of a pain is it to evacuate from a hurricane? A huge pain.
  • North Easterners are the least prepared for hurricanes, according to a CNN poll. Wait. You're supposed to prepare for hurricanes?

[Image via Getty]